Poetic thoughts

I watched the proverbial sunrise, coming up over the Pacific and you might think that I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics. You see, I don't want you to know where I am, because then you'll see my heart in the saddest place its ever been and I know that this is no way to try and live my life. When I go down, I go down hard... I've given up on giving up slowly. I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from the whole rest of the world that shares my fate. This is my one last shot at redemption, because I know in order to live you must give your life away. I've got to get out of here -- in Reno, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. And of this "life sentence" that I'm serving, I'll admit that I am every bit deserving... but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. I've got to let it all out, completely remove it... I know I'm scared to find out what life is really all about. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose it but I know that all along this is exactly what I need. I'm just crying out for consistency. God said, "I know that this will hurt you, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. And if your burden seems to much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get you there." I am sorry for the person I become up there and I'm ready to make sure I'm never that caught up in too many things again... but who I've been makes who I am, right? When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and it takes all the things I learned to teach myself some more disregard. I do wish my problems would go away if I ignored them, but no... that's not the way it works... However, I do know that when I do "go down" all I have to do is lift my eyes to Jesus and I don't have to look very far because He will be there with open arms to lift me up again... Don't worry about me....

Not about the Bunny

The following is written well... a good friend of mine wrote it for his bible study... I liked it, so I'm sharing it! I hope you enjoy!!

"I find it very sad and frustrating that we lose our focus on Christ and on to so many meaningless things. We see this on most Holidays, Christmas seems to be about giving and getting stuff and some fat guy trying to squeeze down our chimneys, instead of being about Jesus. Oh sure, we might take a moment and say “happy birthday Jesus” but then what?

This month many will have fun with eggs, bunnies, and candy, but do we stop and think about what it’s really about? The day that most call “Easter” is named after “Eastre” the goddess of fertility. (Don’t get me started on that). This 27th is not some goddess day, its Resurrection Sunday and we need to remember that. It’s all about Jesus and what He did on the Cross. Its sad most Christians don’t really understand the awesome display of love, obedience, power and horror that took place at Calvary…. Earthquakes, rocks breaking, veils ripping – Powerful!!

He took all sin, disease, guilt, rejection, and grief to the cross so we could be free from it!

But maybe that’s why many struggle so much with sin, because they don’t understand what Christ did and what happened because of it.

Do you understand that only because of what Jesus did, the blood covered our sick and disgusting dead selves and redeemed us, broke the power of sin and death, bringing us to salvation?

We use the word “saved” way too lightly, there are so many out there that say without thought “yeah, I’m saved”.

I would hope that you know what you are saved from, but let me ask you this; do you know what you are saved into??

Salvation means: deliverance from sin and from the penalties of sin; redemption.
It is through Christ’s blood that was poured out; we have redemption, forgiveness of sins. (Col. 1:14)

We have been saved into much more than what people may think. We were brought out of the power of darkness and into His Kingdom. (Col.1:13) We are now a part of His Kingdom, not the kingdom of darkness. It’s time we start acting like we are citizens of His Kingdom.

Do you know that a lot happened in the spiritual realm during Calvary? Because Adam and Eve sinned, they lost the authority and dominion God had given them and the devil took it and ran with it. Because of Calvary, Christ took back all authority in Heaven of on earth (Matt. 28:18) and He disarmed the evil principalities and powers and made a public display of them, triumphing over them. (Col. 2:15)

Because Christ took back the authority, we now have that authority and we can use it to tell the devil to get lost!

Because of the Cross, we have been set free from sin and death, just read Romans 6.
Romans 6:14 says that sin will not have dominion (ownership) over us, because we are under grace.

So why do we struggle with sin so much? Could it be because we have believed a lie that we should expect to sin a lot? Could it be because we haven’t understood Calvary and the power of the blood? Do we dare say the blood wasn’t good enough?? See here’s the thing. Yes we do have a sinful nature, but we need to crucify the flesh and walk in the Spirit. You may say, “Well, it’s just not that easy”. I say if sin does not own me anymore, why should I let my flesh run wild? I’m not doing in it in my power or my might, but in God’s. We are temples of the Holy Ghost! (1 Cor. 6:19) We have the living God inside of us, the whole Godhead! (Col. 2:10) We are under grace! We think of grace as mercy. Grace is a divine influence upon the heart. It is the thing that makes it possible for us to be Christ-like. According to James 4:6 (Amplified):
“But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully)…”

Isn’t that too cool!? We have the power of the Holy Ghost to meet evil desires.

Because of Calvary, we can walk in freedom and power, and enjoy the love, joy, and true soul peace, without getting beat up all the time. Praise God!! There is freedom and healing power in the blood! There is so much more to say about Calvary, I encourage you to study for yourself and find out all the amazing aspects of Calvary this Resurrection Sunday.

Remember, it’s not about the bunny, it’s about Christ!!"

I'm still waiting for

The following song is from Relient K's newest CD, "MMHMM" they're a fun secular/Christian band. But I heard this song and I always feel like they wrote and sang this song especially for me... So, here it is!

The way that girl can break a heart

It’s like a work of art

And this is the worst part

She knows it

And she’s so confident

That she’s what everybody wants

But nobody wants

Her to know that

So fall back on all of your premonitions

And just learn to listen

To those that have more wisdom than you

And just stop

Putting so much stockIn all of this stuff

Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for

You to be the one I’m waiting for

The way that girl can turn a head

Well she is such a threat

But don’t ever forget

She knows it

And she’s got it all

All figured out

And she won’t let you doubt

She knows it I’m still waiting for

You to be the one I’m waiting for

Something tells me that this is going to make sense

Something tells me it’s going to take patience

Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

I am fearful, hear me cluck.

Last year on Common Fire we had coyotes running around outside out house at night, making all kinds of frightful noises. They scared me. They really did. I always thought that the coyotes were going to eat someone, even though I was assured this would not happen. It still scared me. It still does, actually... the memory of them waking me at night and me shaking alone in my bed as I would sit up and watch them run in the yard below. Coyotes, wolves and large dogs are often what my nightmares consist of. It's slightly pathetic, even sad... I know.

I am also afraid of monkeys. Also rather sad and pathetic. Did anyone hear the story a few months back about a monkey gone crazy at a zoo and attack this man and ate off his nose and thumb... the thought alone of a monkey near me makes me want to curl up in a ball on the purple rug and cry. Monkeys also frequent my nghtmares... what can I do?

I have a fear of deep water... no, more like just drowning in general. I liked to swim as a kid, but I was never very good. Last summer I enjoyed swimming across the lake with Andrea... but I'd usually get half way across, and start to get a little tired and I'd start breathing in quick gasps of air, like hyperventualting... More afraid that all of a sudden my body would just say, "nope, I'm done swimming" and I would sink 20 feet to the bottom and die, and no one would ever know. Terrible.... I am all too aware.

I feel it now.

I know how it feels to be slipping,
I feel it now.

I know how it feels to be alone,

I keep pushing people away.

I want to forget the truth,
I want to live like I never knew it.
I want to forget my promises,
I want to live like I don't care.
I want to rebel from what is right,
I want to take the path most taken.
I don't want to catch myself,
I just want to fall.
I don't want to be bored again.
I just can't hear anymore.
I am ready to let go.

Hopelessly devoted

I saw that beautiful boy, Nick again today. (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I was walking up the stairs and there he was, looking up at me. He said, "Hello" and I smiled down at him... Kind of a Romeo-Juliet-balcony-thing. Honestly, the conversation was nothing to even write about. For all those who think my life is never awkward and that I am always a smart, quick-witted, sweet little girl, be assured that I am not. I could think of nothing more to say then, "So, do you have a class?" and then, "Yea, me too." Oh, Steph Garver... We must work on your social skills. I get so shy and quiet around cute boys. Well, though my chances were slim on seeing him again, I did see him!! So perhaps my chances are not nearly so slim as I thought! Of course, if I wasn't old fashioned and hadn't been so stupidly silent, perhaps we could have gotten coffee... or gotten married. heh heh... No, just kidding. But he has a beautiful face. I wish that silly hopeless romantic in me wasn't quite so "hopeless."

On a side note, I am addicted to Halo. I don't know how it happened... I don't know when it happened -- Oh, yes I do! It was last weekend when I was bored and had nothing else to do... and now I dream about Halo.... I close my eyes and I am running through passages. The guys are drilling me on Halo trivia. I want to get good. Real good. I want to beat the boys and make them cry. I want to be quote a "hot gamer chick." I want to go to Halo parties and competitions and have guys go, "oh, why'd they bring a girl..." and then beat them and make them cry! haha! vI'm being trained this weekend. It should be a good time. I'm excited. Hooray! lol.... I've never played video games before last weekend, so basically, I suck... but I have an enjoyable time!

A chance meeting.

I made a new friend today. His name was Nick. We were on the same shuttle up to the mail boxes. we crossed the street together and he held the door to the post office open for me. Then after we'd both checked our boxes (both were empty) he held the door open for me again. Boys: It's those little things girls like a lot. Then we walked back across the street together. Apparently he was paying enough attention to me to notice I had stopped at the corner (so as not to get run over by a semi-truck) and then we crossed the street together. We stood at the shuttle stop and I felt awkard... I wanted to say something... oh, but I am shy! So he said, "Do you live on campus." I answered yes and that I lived in Argenta. He said he lived in Lincoln. I asked his major, he said he was a theater major with teaching and philosphy minors. I enjoyed him, he was a nice boy. Where have all the nice guys gone to, really? He said he wasn't into the "party scene.." I told him I wasn't either. Then we had more awkward silence until he asked my name. Once the shuttle arrived, we sat near eachother. He said I looked a lot like the girl from the Mummy and told me, "you must get that a lot. You look just like her." I told him I thought she was beautiful and thanked him for the compliment but assured him that was one I had not heard before. He then agreed that he thought she was beautiful and he smiled at me. Then the shuttle stopped and he said, "It was nice to meet you." I told him I'd see him around, though really, the chances of that are slim.... unless we meet again tomorrow on another post-office shuttle run... but the chances there are slim as well. How many shuttles pass by in an hour? And just like that, he was gone. Honestly, I think I've had more fleeting romance on post office runs than I have at any other time during the year here in Reno. Nick was a pleasant boy... And I would enjoy seeing him again.

Making decisions

Whenever you face trials, you should seek wise counsel.

I support this statement. And on occasion I do not seek wise counsel... but I do know the wisest counselor is the Holy Spirit. And wise counsel should ultimately direct you toward Him. Every person I have talked to about my newest "issue" has directed me, in some way, toward Him.

Yesterday I talked to Flan... today I talked to my wisest human counsel (my mommy) then I talked with Sydney and finally to Jamie. Basically, everyone gave the same advice. And honestly, this is one of the widest groups of people I could consult about this "issue."

"What is yout 'issue,' Steph Garver?!" you ask. My issue is overcommitment.

I've lost joy in things by over doing them. I really should not feel responsible toward certain people the way I do. Baisically, the ultimate praise toward God is doing things that glorify Him. Things that my heart finds joy in; by me doing things out of service toward Him and not out of obligation. I do need to prayfully consider the things I have been doing. Do I find joy here? Do I find satisfaction here? Am I content? And is this really where my heart is?

I have a heart for the unsaved, but I do not care too much for evangelism. I encourage people when it comes naturally, not when it is required of me. I love to teach, but only when people are seeking and asking it of me, individually. I love to pray when I am Spirit-led. I love to hang out with people when I feel like it.

I always love to spend time alone with Jesus, but I haven't been able to because I have been doing things I don't like doing nearly as much.

I am thinking hard about going home over Spring Break and not going on the mission trip to LA. That's not where my heart is. I would be very very good for me to be home. For me to be able to find time to breathe... my parents won't be home for some of my Spring Break, but me being home alone would be good... not only for myself and for my soul, but also (random, I know) because my kitties would be taken care of for the week. I can still get back all my money from the LA trip.

Perhaps it seems selfish. "I just need to be alone." But I would get to hang out with Tammi -- my best friend -- who I haven't really hung out with in over a year if I went home for break. I don't know, some stuff to really pray over. But stuff I need to make decisions on very soon. Because when I do things my heart is not in -- which is not glorifying to God -- the ministries I do love and would very much enjoy throwing myself into end up suffering.

A Pleasant Day

Today is a pleasant day. This weekend was pleasant, but left me rather tired. I was never in my room for long this weekend, which was happy simply because it would have been lonely with Andrea Rea not being here, as she was out of town. However, this weekend, I got adicted to playing Halo. Only Heaven can help me now.

Today is a pleasant day. I am currently sitting here enjoying one of our last warm days for a while, as it is supposed to get chilly later this week. I am currently sitting here enjoying an avacado that I bought last Friday at Wal-mart for 79 cents, eating an avacado reminds me of happy days from last year on Common Fire. I am currently sitting here singing along with You're a Good Man Charlie Brown. What a happy musical.

Today is a pleasant day. But I still had to attend classes. In Drama today we discussed the play Desire Under the Elms, by Eugene O'Neil. A few ineresting things came up in discussion that I feel are important enough to mention via Blog. Thus I will list some of the highlights:

• Control your desire so you don't have to face the consequences of your guilt.
• You can not develop as a person when you feel guilty.
• The desire for love can blind you into a temporarily, immoral insanity.
• Desire consumes without realizing it.
• Uncontrolled desire brings disaster and tradegy.
• When you do realize your mistake, it is too late to start thinking and be able to change your circumstances.

Today is a pleasant day. I was realizing that I feel a great amount of community pressure. The communities I am involved in require great responsibility. Many that I can not commit to. I have this idea of freedom from community. I am over eighteen, I have not lived at home in two years. In many ways I can take care of myself. I learned long ago how to brush my teeth, look both ways before crossing the street and that every action has a consequence. I grew up with enough freedom that I was able to learn many many consequences as I was a "bad" kid growing up. (Don't believe me? Not surpring. Ask my Mom, she'll tell you! Its true!)

Today is a pleasant day. I feel that I am doing too many things. There is hardly a moment free for me to catch my breath. There are 8 weeks left, including Spring Break, and I am not really wanting to leave. Weird, I don't want to leave school... heh. No, I wouldn't mind leaving,I'd actually really like to go home for Spring Break... but there is simply too much to do, too many people to hang out with, and too many places to be. I feel over whelmed lately with people calling every hour wanting to hang out all the time. Last semester all I did was homework. I sat in my room and was never social... I didn't know anyone enough to be social. Now I'm too social, and I need to have space an breathe or be alone.

Today is a pleasant day. So pleasant. In a while, Eric and I are going to go for a walk in the park. Then, I will come back to homework and shortly after go to Bible study, then more homework and then sleep... and then it starts all over again.

Today is a pleasant day.

"Happy Birthday, Steph Garver!"

Today, I turned twenty. Many people asked me if I felt any different. I don't really. Its rather crazy to think that I have been alive for two whole decades... twenty years.... What's more unfortunate is that basically, I don't remmeber the first 12 or 13 years... honestly, I can't remember what I had for lunch today, so it's not easy for me to think back 7 or so years. Perhaps I have early signs of alzhiemers...?

Beyond my memory, I had a lovely day. Of course, I still had to go to class, even though several people encouraged me to ditch. (Shame on them.) I began productively by waking up early... actually, I was up until 2 am last night writing a paper... so, I got up about when Andrea woke up, so only 20 minutes or so before my alarm was supposed to go off. Then I started 3 loads of laundry... I had no clothes left. (Obviously, no one does laundry when all their clothes are clean.) Then I went to math and was basicially bored... we learned about the Richter Scale. (woohoo!) After ward, I went to English... where my communist English teacher talked about how she is a "Humanist" and we shouldn't write about or use religious arguments iin our papers... that would explain my low grade on my last paper... heh... it was a Pro-Christian/Anti-Communist paper... or as she put it, "Extremist Anti-Chinese Propaganda." I'll have to post it soon for all of my faithful readers out there. After that was lunch with Andrea Rea... always a good time.

Then I had to finish spell checking and print out my Mid-term essay for my English-Drama. That was an utterly boring class today, and looking out the window at the bright blue sky made it all the worse. It was thenicest today then it has been all year! The sky was bright blue and it nevr got too breezy... it was about 75 degrees, really... basically, it was the first day I was able to wear short sleeves... not quite ready to pull out the shorts because in Reno the weather changes too fast. After class, I hung out in the sun for about 45 minutes with Matthew. Then I came back to the room, just in the same time Flan did! So, we took a smoothie break in which she got a number 5 and I got a number 13 and we sat outside by the lake and watched the geese go crazy. When we got back to the room, I folded some clothes and picked up a bit... entertained some brithday-well-wishers... and at 5:30, Andrea and I headed down to the parkinglot.

From there I was "kidnapped" by Jamie and Eric who had originally planned to take me iceskating... (We'll be doing that Friday instead. Hooray!) But since the times were odd, we went over to the Hilton and ate at Johnny Rockets... where they sang to me, brought me iceream and tied balloons to my wrist. It was cute. But we never heard the song "Brown-eyed girl" over the speakers... even though I put money into the jut-box. Next time!! We wandered around for a while after that before goin over to Marble Slab and having icecream (again). It was a lovely and pleasant day/night. I'm rather exhausted, so I'm glad I am able to sleep in tomorrow.

A Big Thank You Shout-Out to All those who called throughout the day and left me happy messages and even more so to those who sang "Happy Birthday" into the phone. Amazing. Also a big thanks to those who just left me messages over IM or e-cards. Thanks to all!! You helped to make it a GrEaT day!

Each Game of Chess...

I met a man in a coffee shop, just off campus, tonight named Peter. He was of average height, brown hair and hazel eyes. He was friendly and offered me drink selections. He told me, "Go for the French Soda over the Italian." I smiled and asked the difference... I had been planning on getting a 16 oz. white chocolate mocha with a shot of toffee, just like always. He said the only difference was that at the end, a French Soda had half&half mixed in. I decided to live life on the edge and ordered a French Soda. Then, going with the flow I asked him what flavor I should get. He told me Orange was like a popscicle, the Amaretto was "too nutty" and Kiwi was the most often picked, and Banana made the half&half curdle. I told him I'd go with Mango. He told me if I didn't like it he'd me me another for free. I tried it. It was pleasant... not a mocha, but still refreshing.

When I told him I was early meeting people we sat down together, after all, the night would be slow until the stream of Crusade kids would wander in. We talked about our classes. We talked about taking time off from school. We talked about the death of some of our close friends. He needed to talk and I enjoyed listening. When he got passed the things he felt comfortable talking about with a stranger, he pulled out the Chess board and we sat in understanding silence and pushed tiny plastic pieces across the black and red checkered board. It was a mutual silence, neither with strategy, just two stranger playing Chess in a quiet coffee shop.

A new hat.

Today, I bought a hat with some Birthday money that arrived early. I had been wanting a hat and now I have one. It is a white baseball cap with a hole in the back for my pony tail to go through. It says, "Nevada Wolf Pack" in navy blue letters. It is a pleasant hat. I am glad I invested in it. Especially since it was very warm and happy today. So it was nice to be wearing a pleasant new white hat with a hole for a pony tail. It made me feel like it was summer. I enjoy summer... much like I enjoy my new white hat. That's all for now.

When words are not enough

Sometimes, when I talk, I wonder if I've said anything at all.
I wonder if I've made a difference.
I wonder if I've changed a life.
Sometimes, I think over a conversation and wonder,
"Have I said everything I meant to --
Did it come across alright?"
Sometimes, I wonder if I get too caught up in the moment,
When I let passion carry away my reason.
Usually I don't regret my actions or my words.
But sometimes, I do.
Some words and phrases are spoken too easily,
"I hate when..." or "I wish they'd..."
Somethings are supposed to stay locked up.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should have said more.
But most of the time, I wonder if I've said anything at all.

as God answers

I don't know God's plan. I do not know God's plan for my life. I don't know my calling or where many of my gifts lie.

I am waiting.

I find it hard to be still, hard to wait... Hard to stay focused. I grow weak in waiting and often I am ashamed.
When will I know?
Do I dare to fit the whole universe into a single ball that might fit in my palm? "'Do I dare?' and 'Do I dare?'" Is it worth it in the end?
Sometimes I think so.

My heart is full with death... full with life.
Full with interpretations, dreams... longings.
Longings so great at times I feel I may burst open or split in two.
And sometimes full of such pain that it hurts to breathe.
It hurts to be.

There is much to say and yet nothing at all.

Random-ness

On Tuesday night, walking home from Crusade, Andrea and I began walking across the street, and around the corner a car turning right zoomed by, just in time, we jumped back, out of the way. We kind of laughed and continued on across the street and then, turning left a car stopped about a foot from hitting me... once again, Andrea had jumped back, but I had not. It was clearly our turn to walk, but I guess cars don't often pay attention. Jesus was walking with me that night... and always. Andrea said she was ready to "assess the situation" if I had been hit and that she would have moved me to a safe place. I like Andrea, I feel safe with her.

On a side note, I am sick. Sick and dying. I love Andrea, but she got me sick. I slept for 13-some hours last night... it was amazing, but I'm ready to sleep some more. I met with Adrienne for lunch today.. I like her a lot, I could deffinately see her and I becoming very good friends. at 2:30, I'm meeting Joanna for coffee... I may just have tea though. I find that though "Physical Touch" is my Love Language, "Quality Time" is right up there as well. I love to snugle, but I also loving hanging out one-on-one with people.

Its almost my birthday, I'm pretty excited about that... the big 2-0. Just think, almost a year from now I will be able to drink. Too bad I don't really want to do that... If I really did want to drink, what would stop me from drinking now? hmm.. not much. Whelp, then when I turn 21 it doesn't look like my life will be drastically changing... Good. Good to know.

I wish I wasn't feeling weak and sick. I walked across the street earlier and got out of breath. That's no way to live. Adrienne wants me to go see the play "The Silent Woman" with her tonight. I would like to go, but right now I do not feel much like going and trying to be present in mind. I'm rather out of it. After hanging out with Joanna, I can sleep for the rest of the day. Except that I have homework due tomorrow. That's unfortunate.

Lots of my friends are getting married. I feel as though many of my friends are either in serious relationships or engaged (which in itself is pretty serious.) I don't have many friends in casual relationships. Last night Hope, Andrea and I went to dinner at Denny's. I had Chicken-fried Steak with mashed potates. Hope talked of wanting a boy friend. I don't want one. I mean, I'm a girl and I'm a hopeless romantic girl, so obviously I would like one. But I don't know anyone I would want to, or even consider actually dating. I just don't have time for a boy. And thats okay with me. I went through my hooker days and experienced enough boy junk that I'm cool about not needing one right now... or even for a long time yet. I've onlymet one boy I would even remotely consider dating on a serious note... and he did not feel the same, which is fine.

I really wish I felt better. I feel nasty. Okay, I'm going to go meet Joanna and then maybe I'll be able to sleep a little bit later....