Poetic thoughts
I watched the proverbial sunrise, coming up over the Pacific and you might think that I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics. You see, I don't want you to know where I am, because then you'll see my heart in the saddest place its ever been and I know that this is no way to try and live my life. When I go down, I go down hard... I've given up on giving up slowly. I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from the whole rest of the world that shares my fate. This is my one last shot at redemption, because I know in order to live you must give your life away. I've got to get out of here -- in Reno, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. And of this "life sentence" that I'm serving, I'll admit that I am every bit deserving... but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. I've got to let it all out, completely remove it... I know I'm scared to find out what life is really all about. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose it but I know that all along this is exactly what I need. I'm just crying out for consistency. God said, "I know that this will hurt you, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. And if your burden seems to much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get you there." I am sorry for the person I become up there and I'm ready to make sure I'm never that caught up in too many things again... but who I've been makes who I am, right? When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and it takes all the things I learned to teach myself some more disregard. I do wish my problems would go away if I ignored them, but no... that's not the way it works... However, I do know that when I do "go down" all I have to do is lift my eyes to Jesus and I don't have to look very far because He will be there with open arms to lift me up again... Don't worry about me....
2 Comments:
"but who I've been makes who I am, right?"
That's what the world thinks Stephanie. That what you are is just the sum of your experiences. Jesus has a different idea of you. These are your words: "I am a beloved child of God." That's not just because you have experienced Him, it's because He loves you. Jesus, not you, is making you Stephanie.
"I am sorry for the person I become up there..."
It wasn't always like that Stephanie, remember? You just gotta remember what your real focus is.
"Don't worry about me"
You say all this and tell us not to worry. Yeah right, I'm not worried, one of my best friends feels like she's going down the tubes and I don't know anything about it, but 'No worries mate!', yeah, right.
But it's true that I'm not quite as worried about you as I was before, I know Jesus has something awesome in store for you, once you find where you need to be again. But never give up, no matter how far you end up going, you'll never have all the answers because Jesus is the only one who does that. Don't get comfortable and complacent, keep allowing God to mold you into the woman He wants you to be.
You're not a wimp Stephanie, as long as I've known you you've been strong. You have the living Holy Spirit in you, right there inside you. Remember who you are IN HIM.
Steph Garver!
You know sometimes you got to hit bottom before you come up again. I know Jesus is there holding your hand loving you through the rough times. Rough times help you grow and teaches you things. Your an amazing women my friend and I am so blessed to have gotten to know you. Stay strong!!!
P.S. I may be in Reno the weekend of the 23rd. Griff and I really need to get away but maybe Sun or Mon. we can meet up for a smoothie???...
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