Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to.



What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yay! I'm a ballet shoe! YAYAYAY! And by the way, I want it known that I am not "sometimes dramatic" I am ALWAYS dramatic!

After careful thinking, I'm afraid I have to make a change to a previous entry written on February 25, 2004 (Ash Wednesday, if you will.) In the entry I stated that I was going to give up boys. (which was not what it said at all, but I'm merely stating that to save time and space.) Let me explain why I can not "give up boys" for lent. One, that is not at all realistic, Nor is it something one can simply give up on a whim and expect it to stay gone. Not at all realistic of me. It is deffinately something I need to work on, for sure, but as far as here today-gone tomorrow thinking that is not possible. Does this make sense? I can not give up ways that have become second nature to me in a day. However, I do thank you for all believeing that I could, its encouraging and like I said, something I will be working on, though not the oficial thing being given for Lent this year.

What I have decided about Lent is thus: Lent is not always a time for "what can I give up" I think it is more of a time for, "what can I give." For example, my dear Friend Eric is giving two hours of his week to sit and listen to Jesus. He has school and a life, on Common Fire, we work for 8 hours a day and then what do we do for the rest fo the time? Nothing of much importance. What I can give is time. Which is percisely what I need to do. Anyone who knows of Common Fire, I'm sure knows that the TV is always on... The Ranch House sees more movies a day than a movie theater. We all talk about how much we hate it, but its the only way to be near the fire and to have some form of fellowship. As I've stated in previous posts, I want to be intentional and I want to invest in people. So, giving up watching movies is perfect! Each time a movie is turned on, I will leave the room, whether to pray, read the Bible or invest in someone. 2 hours of prayer or 2 hours of good talky-talk... Its not necessarily a fast, but it sure is something that needs to be done.. so why not start with 40 days? Imagine the possibilities!

Once a famous golf player went to visit a foreign King. They played golf and had a grand time! At the end of the stay this King said to the golf player, "I would like to give you a gift. What would you like?" The golf player declined but the King insisted...So the golf player thought about what kind of gift he might like... And finally the golf player told the King, "Well, I collect golf clubs, you could get me a golf club." The King thought about this request a moment and finally answered, "All right, I think I can get you a golf club." The famous golfer returned home and a few weeks went by and the golf club never came... It wasn't a big deal, but the King had said he would get him a golf club... Then one day, in the mail arrived a letter from the King and a deed to a 500 acre golf club.

The point of my story is that Kings, or rather, the King of Kings thinks differently than we do.

Can I share my heart with you? I realized this morning that today is the beginning of Lent. I don't know if you're into that tradition, but my chruch back home was pretty big on it. If nothing else, its a good time for reflexion and sacrifice... and I believe it grows you into a stronger person. You'd be amazed what you can live without. My first lent, I gave up Chocolate. Then all candy things. Then I gave up eating 1 meal a day, and ate only 2 times a day (you'd be really amazed how you don't need to eat that much) Then I gave up makeup and doing my hair, which was huge for me, beacuse at that time I was super vain. Then last year I gave up TV and the internet. Here is what I believe I have decided to give up this year... as I just realized today that was what I wanted to do, its still in the thought process stage, but I will ask your opinion on the matter. I struggle with lust, even in the simplest form, thats what it is and its a sin. How do I get rid of it? What a perfect time to try to stop it before it spreads. Well, these questions forming in my mind, of how to stop it are not the easiest to solve for me. How can I stop what has been planted there but to pull it out by the roots. So... where do the roots begin? Not the easiest of questions... because there will always be an attraction from male to female and visa versa. So, I can stop it at the root of evil itself. Word of mouth. I will not talk ABOUT boys in any way other than brotherly. And why not take it a step further? I will not talk TO boys in any way other than brotherly. (Now me not having any siblings... this will take a lot of imagination on my part... as I'm not sure how exactly I want this to look.) But just speaking, in that form, leaves a lot of room to continue to stumble. I know I don't have control of my mind and the best thing I can do there is just try to change my thoughts when I realize one is trying to ensnare me. But then I wondered about physicalness. Other than hugging, and occasionally momentary snuggling (and since I'm already on a kissing fast) how shall I deal with that? I know that there are times when I purposely place myself next to a boy... so when I have control over a situation, that will stop. Hugs, other than quick ones are not necessary. And cuddling is absolutely unnecessary. All these boys here are my brothers and its time I started acting that way. Anyway, those are my thoughts on Lent this year, they're not well thought through and any suggestions would be greatly appriciated!

Many of my old friends, from highschool have been writting to me. They are all now dating people. "Offical and Everything!" they exclaim. Part of me shakes my head and says, "I told you you'd be engaged before your first year of college was over." Then another part says, "For the most part, I'm pleasant enough... why don't I have a boy friend... or even a crush on someone?" More than all else, I just want a friend. One single and present person that I can invest every thought and moment and emotion into. And someone who will invest the same back to me. Someone who needs me as much as I need them.

Anyone feel like investing?

This weekend really was exciting... and I was in a pleasant enough disposition to have a good day at work today... regardless of the grumpy words and expressions that surround me. I realized today that my birthday was less than 16 days away... Silly fuss. Everyone fusses too much about birthdays... I hate presents. They are given because they must be given, not because soemone randomly thought of you and gave out of the generosity of their hearts. I would much prefer random thoughtful gifts throught the year and on an actual birthday the company of those closest to me. For example, the greatest gift to me this year would be my best-good friend Tammi. Tammi, if you came to visit me for my birthday, I wouldn't be able to think of a happier gift in all my past. Your friendship to me is far far more valuable than any trinket.

Friendship in general is of such high value to me that those who know me best know I would rather have one or two best friends.. someone I tell everything to than a hundred aquaintances. I have always prefered that method of companionship. I like to invest in people. Invest my whole heart and my whole being into a person... That way they know I care and they know I love them more than all others. For example, I have only 3 very close friends outside of this community... one being my accountability partner, Kari... and the others Tammi and Javier (who I really only talk to once every month or so). But even in the community, I think its obvious that I want to invest in and love everyone... but I always find myself in the presence of one or two people specifically... And as I'm finding, one of my friends in this community understands me and supports me... and in my opinion shows me more love than so many of the others. Love in action and in words. That's a ture friend...someone who loves you... A person you can not even imagine your life without. Those few, specific people are the ones always on my heart and always on my mind. I hope that you know who you are... and that I really do love you dearly.

We had Summer Staff selections yesterday! I was really worried -- I'll admit it -- that I was going to be stuck in office all summer. But I'm on Accommo again! YAY! And it gets better. I'm on Accommo with Tammi! And I'm on Accommo with Briches! And I'm on Accommo with Sarah Lowe! And I'm on Accommo with Lamar! And I'm on Accommo with Craig! YAY! (I'm on Accommo with other people too... but I don't know them... but I will... so YAY about them!!) Personally, I've heard who's on all the other teams.. and I have to tell you, I think Accommo is going to rock like no other! Yea Accommo... YEA!

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today, gone tomorrow
A wave upon the shore,
A vapor on the wind.
You here my voice when I'm calling,
You catch me when I'm falling.
You've taught me who I am...
I'm yours.

If anyone can tell me who sings this... I'll love you forever! I heard it while I was driving up from town and fell in love!

Similar Minds Test

So, on Common Fire, we've been taking this test and then seeing just how compatiable we are with eachother... Hook it up! But really, its cool seeing how our personalities come into play as far as bothersome or strange traits.. I suggest you take the test... you'll be pleasantly amused! I am a 3.... and I am prone to starvation diets and cocaine. hehe! I would should hook up with a 7 so that we'll be a "magical couple" and have a ton of energy! So Take the test, find out what your number is and then go to the web site below and learn more! :)

www.enneagraminstitute.com

Its weird how one tiny little thing... that really doesn't affect you in any way... can change your day so much. I'm glad to be the only person in the office today... I was talking with Briches last night...I was telling him that when something about a situation or a person bothers you we can not fully blame that person. As much as something might be thier fault at least half of the fault lies with you. For instance, today I learned news that bothered me. It does not affect me personally, its none of my business... and yet I am greatly affected. Why? Because there is obviously something in my heart that needs to be dealt with. I believe I know precisely what it is... its the same thing everyone else on Common Fire will be feeling when they learn the news. Simply this: Jealousy. Yes... that's what it is guys, plain and simple. Perhaps a bit of awkwardness as well? This is not an easy place to live. The things that happen here are not always easy to deal with. And we can not change how other choose to act or the choises they make.. but we can change our own hearts, attitudes and actions toward the situation. I encourage those on Common Fire reading this to seek your own heart where this issue is concerned....

On a lighter, more cheerful note... I think I have figured out what I would like to do next year. All afternoon and evening I was praying about it and I kept feeling as if the answer would come at some point last night... and Praise Jesus!! It did! And if not an answer, than deffinately an option I plan to pursue. I'll write more on that as inofrmation comes. But I can tell you this much... It involves me traveling with a singing/theatrical Christian Ministry group! Yep.. more on that as it evolves.

Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?

I got an email today from an old highschool teacher. She asked me how I was doing and knowing me, she also asked how many hearts I've broken. I do not want to be known as a girl who breaks hearts. I want to be known as a girl who shows people who their real crush is... their crush on Jesus.. On life! Isn't that what we should all strive for? I'm not good at that... but I desire to be, and I'll work on it.

Last night I hung out with Leslie Mitchell. I gave her a hand, foot and back massage and we talked and played and laughed... She has a desire for life and a true heart for Jesus! We discussed our disspointments.. or joys.. talked about the death of friends and family... Talked about so many things... all of them just make me love her and desire to cling to her... Everyone should have a Leslie Mitchell in their lives. For those of you on Common Fire reading this.. if you haven't gotten to know Leslie Mitchell... you are missing out on something huge. If nothing else, you will see in her pure blue eyes and caring joy that comes only from Jesus Christ.

Hello firends! Sorry its taken me so long to write. I have been busy and getting over being sick. Let me just update you on the life of Steph Garver. :)

Friday night, Joshua David and I sang worship for the jr high Snow-Go. I enjoy Joshua David... We're good friends! Yay Joshua David! (hehe). On Saturday I woke up early early... at 6:15 am... I was so excited I could hardly sleep.. so I woke up. at 8:00, Phillip and I left for his first Bike Race. It was about 18 miles out of Coarsegold.. beauitful! The sky was a bright blue and the grass was tall and thick and green... it was the perfect picnic spot! But I ran up and down the rolling hills with a girl I met who was cheering on her boyfriend. "Yay Phillip! Yay!" I would say when he rode by! It lasted only about an hour.. and was 16 some odd miles long. Then when the race was all done, and the awards ceremony began we found that Phillip had won first in his class! Yay Phillip! I was so proud of him and super excited that I was able to go to the race. When's the next one, Phillip? I offered to buy him lunch and so on Sunday, we went into Oakhurst and spent all afternoon looking in shop windows and had a late lunch at Country Waffle House. Yum! Then we went and watched the movie Miracle... then off to church. Fun fun fun.

Monday started work again. Sigh! I've started to realize that everyone, even phone callers take all their frustration out on the receptionist. Sorry guys, I can't solve all the worlds problems. I'm still trying to solve my own. I'm told there's a lot of tention happening right now on Common Fire. I guess I can see some of it, but not everything... which is good. Oh, on Monday, Leslie Mitchell and I skipped Bible study and went to breakfast and have some fellowship time at the Mountain House Grill. Good times with Leslie Mitchell! Then on Monday night, we all went into Fresno and had Thai Food to celebrate Julie's belated birthday. Yesterday, Tuesday, after work, I went over to watch Kelsea Davis.. we watched Pirates of the Carribbean...I like Kelsea Davis. Oh, this was sweet! Dave Davis brought us both KFC and told me I was like a daughter he never had and he wanted me to know I was special and loved.... aww Dave Davis... :) Then, Katie and I had a pajama party in the kiddy pool in the yellow room with bottle of apple cider! Yay!! Oh Common Fire! What fun! hehe!

I'll admit, there are time I hate the community and feel completely alone. There are times when all I want to do is leave... but then in that moment of utter lonliness, someone reaches out their hand to me... or in today's case, Juana reaches out with a bag of chips, Amanda with a candy bar and Briches with a bar of choloate from Holand.... Its the love that people show you that make all the difference. When those three appeared in front of my desk with smiles and food it made my day. Not because they bought me things... but because they love me. The same with my last post.. I got the 10 most amazing comments I've ever had from any post. Loving and encouraging comments. Then a letter from Javier in the mail saying that everyone should have a friend like me and the world would be a brighter place. In all the excitment of the day... Dave Davis cutting his fingers with a Band Saw down to the bone and getting 16 stitches, my weird strange sickness... I could do with a little less drama in my life for sure. But the love and encouragemnet people are showing is seriously, out of this world.... But that's the love of Christ, isn't it?

Its funny how quickly life can change. From an accident to an unexpected meeting to a sudden change in the weather to a friend's death. Are we prepared for the unexpected? Of course not. But then thats what makes life interesting. If everything were planned out and nothing starnge happened at all, life would be boring. Of course, there are always little incidents we can do without in life... for example, Brian getting in an accident today... or Tony running off the road the other night. Little incidents that we could do without in life. Praise Jesus both were safe.. but car accidents of any kind do quite a number on my heart for multiple reasons. Then a call in the office this morning that a long time supporter has died 2 days past. Car accidents and deaths really do play with my heart.
Unexpected things that we are forced to deal with.

But that's life, isn't it?

Weather today has been very interesting. We started the day expecting heavy snow, but it seems to be heavier than we think. In just a few hours, we've had 4 and a half inches of snow. it was predicted that we'd get anywhere between 5 inches and 3 feet. Crazy. Last time we got 3 feet the power went off too... I like whent he power goes out! :) I know, I'm weird. But, if nothing else, it forces us to be social with each other. Other than snow -- which did not affect my weekend, I went on a ton of walks.. by myself, with Kenna and with others. Walks are amazing. You're just getting into a good conversation and you seem to find yourself back at the house... all too soon. I wouldn't trade any of the walks I took for anything in the world.

I saw the most beautiful thing on Saturday night... A scene that makes your mouth make the shape of a gentle "o" and your hardly dare to blink as if it will vanish like a mist. Which is what it was. A fairy land of white mist. The green (now called The White) was covered in snow, and a thick cloud had surrounded the camp and now rested serenely on top of the snow. The green lights had been turned on for the guest group, that currenly sat warm and cozy in the dinning hall. The lights cast and angelic surealism over the misty fog and snow. I walked out in the middle of the cloud, completely dissapearing in the chilly glow of the cloud and snow. I won't hesitate to tell you that I danced in the cloud and the snow, all bathed in a golden glow. I have seen many beautiful things with new and innocent eyes since I arrived here... but never have I seen in one singular moment God's grace and compassion showered over a scene of of such realistic fantasy and truth.

The boy at church did not smile at me this week... but he has a name.

Brad.