Joshua David has come to visit us again! I like people who visit... Kari Maddox often comes to visit us as well... I like her too. I just want everyone to know that I heard the most amazing thing the other day. "Suffering leads to patience, leads to character building, leads to a future leads to Hope".... suffering and hope in one...thing... um, Okay, Have a wonderful weekend, Dear Reader!

Could I paint something I know nothing about? Tonight we watched a war movie and I jokingly said that I wanted to be a Navy Seal. Of course, everyone laughed at me and then someone responded with, "I don't think I'd feel any safer if you were a Navy Seal." I'll be honest, I was so offended I was speachless. (And everyone who knows me also knows that I am not easily speachless.. and I think that was the first time in my life I had absolutely no words at all.) Of course I don't want to join the Navy. Never have I had any desire even in the slightest to join any of the armed forces; Lord bless them. But I sat in the room shortly after looking at one of my paintings.. it was a happy painting, one of my most recent actually, rolling hills apple trees and a big beautiful sky. Basically the whole painting just speaks the word, "Peace." Could I paint a battle field? Of course I've never personally experienced a war and I realize that capturing the exactness and gruesomeness would be basically impossible due to my lack of artistic painting abilities but I suppose I could paint chaos, darkness and death if portrayed correctly. I would do such a painting no justice, but I think I'd like to try. And though I have always believed that you should write or paint about things you know I think it might be interesting just to try it sometime. It could never hurt.

Firstly, though I thank you all for you comments on my previous post, I think that everyone took it the wrong way. Forgive me first off for not quoting it and giving credit where credit is due. My entire last post was a short monologue I performed in an audition a few years ago. It is from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. It is not supposed to be taken in a depressing and down hearted tone as I fear my readers took this post to mean. Instead it is of courage and holding to ones honor. In the book Ms. Eyre has been proposed to by a man she does love but he is already married. And though is wife has gone insane and is not capable of any womanly, motherly or wife duties Jane refuses to marry him. It is this very passage that I failed to quote in which she contemplates setting aside her principles and her honor to do what her flesh desires: Marry a married man. Jane is a wonderful portrayal of femininity, honor and courage. She truly does "hold to the principles received" by her before disaster struck her life. Because as she says, "Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation, but are for such moments as this..."
I wish I could hold to my standards as well as my heroine always does.

I care for myself.
The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am the more I will respect myself. I will keep the laws given by God, sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane and not mad as I am now. Laws and principles are not for times when there is no temptation but are for such moments as this: When body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigor, stringent are they, inviolent they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? Oh, the have a worth so I have always believed and if I can not believe it now it is because I am insane. Quite Insane with my veins running fire and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to stand by.
There, I plant my foot.

You know, I like praying for little things as well as big things... I've always wanted to pray for big things... because... well, they're BIG! But I've taken lately to praying for little things as well as big... its one thing to pray every night for healing or for people to turn to Christ (and don't take that wrong, we totally need to keep praying for those things!) But when you pray so earnestly and don't get an answer, or nothing changes and you start to wonder if God is still listening...That's when its good to pray for the little things because then you know that God is listening and responding... Like today, and I hope every day, I will be praying for joy... that wonderful inner joy that only comes from the Holy Spirit.. the kind of joy that you can hardly contain and all you want to do is run around outside and dance about... or little things like work for me to do in the office, a friend to confide in or something in me that's holding me back from Christ to be revealed... yea.. those good little things... Suppose today you prayed for one little thing in your life... what would happen?

Today I watched someone in the office walk away with my pen. Not a big deal, I have more pens... I know where to get more pens. But I watched someone walk away with it and didn't say anything. I feel like my life is that way sometimes. I let the really good things just walk away. I watch them go, I know they're going but I don't try to stop them. (whether or not I could stop them is all circumstance.) I'm tried of letting those good things get past me and I'm tired of people pushing me around or into circumstances or conversations I'm not comfortable with. I realized this weekend that I have the right to keep things to myself, I don't have to tell people everything they want to know... I have the right to stand up for myself and my principles. I don't need to let good things get out of my life so easily. For starters, its time to go get my pen back.

There are some days when I feel like never writing again.

How do I know where to invest myself or my time? How do I know what's lasting and what's not lasting? Now that I'm dating I wonder that a lot. Do I invest in him or them? I want to invest in the community still. I'm still a part of it. I still love it. But at the same time, I want to invest in this one person. Is there a balance? I feel like with most couples there is no balance its either one or the other. How long will this last? If its only a short time, of course I want to invest in the lasting things. CommonFire is only another a month and a half long. Not long at all. How well do I know these people? Every time they start to know me, I run away. He runs away too. Why is it that just when people get to know us, befriend us... love us, we push them away and run from them? I want to keep reaching out. Holding out my hand, offering him my friendship, my love...trying to bring him back but the eyes of a cornered puppy are the only response: "Hopeless... lost... run away!" No no... There is hope, I'm with you here... stay... stay, don't run away from me, please. Please. But he runs. How can I get him to stay? How can I get him to trust me? How can I tell him that I still love him... that I always will?

My dear reader, since few people have been commenting to my posts I figure I am losing readers due to boredom. So I have decided to post the list of things I wish to do and accomplish this weekend! (I'm sure this will win all of my readers back!)

Stephanie's weekend to do list:
- Watch the Cosby's cat, Milo.
- Write a letter to my Mom.
- Clean the Ranch House because its sick.
- Read.
- Go on a walk.
- Finish the film in my camera.
- Do my Laundry.
- Crochet.
- Hang out with Michelle and/or Briches.*
- Sleep.
- Paint.
- Help clean Sherry's house.
- Call Javier.
- Get film from my camera developed.
- Write a letter to Grandpa Jean. Call Grandpa Jean.
- Eat dinner on Sunday at Bink & Christy's house.

Well, if this post doesn't win back my readers not much will... And as the weekend progresses, I will be randomly crossing off the things I've done so you'll know that I haven't died of boredom yet! "Oh Joy! Steph Graver has done her laundry! I wonder what she'll do next?!"

* Michelle and Briches are the only other two people on Common Fire sticking around for the long weekend.

Its amazing to me how people hide sin. I am just as guilty to it as the next person. But in this community its so freeing to know you're not the only one who struggles with sin. When sin is hidden and kept a secret because of guilt it becomes far more than it really is and all sin, after all is equal in God's eyes. We are all a broken people and we all sin. But Christ's sacrifice and blood cover all of our pain and sin and brokenness. Only in Him are we made complete. What a great realizaion for me in this Holy week. Jesus really does answer prayers! My prayer for everyone is that they will know Jesus in such a real way that they won't be able to turn away... That they won't be able to turn a blind eye. The forgiveness and peace that comes from his loving sacrifice is indescribable. He loves us so much that He would die! There is freedom in His blood and by hiding our sin from ourselves, eachother and even Him, we are denying His mercy and grace. There is freedom and support in confession to Christ and even to someone you trust who will hold you accountable. Christ knew long before the world was created exactly what would take place, how we would sin and what we would struggle with but He still choose to give himself up for our freedom. I always need that reminder to just embrace Him and trust Him with everything in my life.

My dear Reader, thank you for your prayers, comments and encouragment. I am now back from Las Vegas. I had a lovely time as I wrote in my previous post. Though I wasn't so sure about coming back for a number of reasons returning has proven itself well. Phillip picked me up from the airport and we went to dinner and then hung out at Barnes and Nobel then we headed back up the hill but were too awake to go into the house so we parked and talked for a few hours. We talked about life and had our first real sincere DTR. We made it back to the Ranch House about 1:30 am. Last night a group of us was standing around hanging out and Phillip and I decided to start dating. It will be healthy. So, reader I thank you for your support and love. Know that you are all in my prayers and that I think of you often.

It feels like I haven't written in some time... I've been going through so many emotions its hard to know what to write half of the time. I'm still in Las Vegas, and this is the first time I haven't cried because I'm here... although this is also the first time that I wanted to come home so badly. I've hung out with Tammi a little bit... perhaps not as much as I would like, but still it has been great fun. Last night (only my second night in Vegas) Tammi and I brought home two boys we'd just met, Chad and Ronie. I ended up getting in this morning at 5:30 am... hehe. Kerry, Tammi and I also went to see The Prince and Me... the cuttest movie ever made! Any one know any single princely-fellows? And tonight Tammi and I dressed up and went to our Chriatian coffee house where we saw our two boys again and also met two other boys, Andy and Tim... the two we met tonight were scary. Period. We left early from Holy Grounds and split some food at Applebees before going our seperate ways. She leaves early tomorrow morning. As for me, I'll go to church in the morning do a little catching up with some of my youth and then be at the airport around 5:00 pm.. and I should be back in Fresno around 8:00 then back to camp at the latest around 9:30... and this time, Phillip and I won't be getting lost.