Either Side of the River

"On either side of the river lie, long rows of barley and of rye, that clothe the world and meet the sky, and through the field the road run by to many towered Camelot...." - Lord Alfred Tennyson's, The Lady of Shalott.

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Location: Reno, Nevada, United States

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Pray for me.

I think a good word to describe life right now would be "boring." Yes, sadly, I am bored. I live no adventure... no mystery. I feel simply blah. School is chugging away, with a totaly of 14 days before I leave for Vegas. I'm sad to go and because I hate goodbyes, I am half content to stay up in my room and not come out except for classes and finals, etc. Its hard because I have nothing to look forward to when I get home. No camp for me this summer... but I still have no plans for other things in my life. I want to work, and I'll attmept a job with my dad washing dishes or cleaning for 14 dollars an hour. But otherwise, all of my friends but Sarah will be up at camp. I do look forward to seeing Sarah, and hanging out with my parents. Its been a few years since I experienced a Las Vegas summer.... I'm not realy looking forward to that.

I hope all of this doesn't sound sad and hopeless, because that's not the way I feel either. I am looking forward to what God will do in my life and how He will change me... I'm just passing through a place that sucks right now. I promise that if you give me... 2-3 weeks I will be completely back to normal... or as normal as I can get. There are a lot of people who are praying for me. I was under the impression for a long while that if other Christians knew what I'd been doing they would hate me, judge me, and look down on me. So I never said a word... it came out very slowly and only to a very selected few. Even now, I don't think anyone knows to 100% what I've been going through but I've talked to a lot of people in Cru and they have all helped. I'm excited because I feel that has strengthed our friendships and also my trust in other believers. No one has turned me away yet... because that's just not what Christians do.. It was just another lie a top 10-25 other lies I allowed into my life. So I may have said before that I feel I'm in an in between place... but this is more in between than anywhere else. This is me sitting and waiting and trying to trust in what I'd been doubting over the past 2 months.

You want to pray for me? Pray strength. Strength that I will hold to the will of God and that I will trust Him as I wait. Pray for the people involved in all of my decision making that they will see Christ through my actions and be drawn closer to Him in response. Pray for a spirirt of understanding and acceptance in all those involved, including myself. Pray that all of these things will turn no one away. This is my pray: That people would see the love I have in Christ, to give up all I have achieved and desire to follow Him because of it. Please, if you pray, do pray for me.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Makign Decisions

It is decision time; there are two kingdoms, two choices. Which one will you choose?

The devil’s kingdom is full of rage, hate, violence, bitterness, depression, unforgiveness, hurt, and disease, just to name a few.

The Kingdom of God is full of love, joy, peace, power, authority, grace, protection and much more!

Well, it would seem obvious which one sounds better, but which one will you choose? It is time to choose which one you will serve, no more going back and forth. It’s time to advance the Kingdom of God; live as citizens in the Kingdom and take back everything the enemy has stolen from you! But it is a choice. You can choose to be Kingdom people now or let stupid stuff get in the way and “try” to live in victory. It’s not time to be passive!

Matt. 11:12 says that “the Kingdom suffers violence but the violent take it by force.” It’s time to seize the Kingdom by force! We must resist the devil with violent force! We must kill all compromise with violent force! It’s not time to be wimps; it’s time to be the royalty that God says we are.

It’s time to take a stand for the things of God. It’s time to take back our community in the Name of the Lord! God is getting ready to do stuff and we need to be ready…If you don’t understand what the Kingdom of God is all about, please find out! Ask me anything! I'll give it to you straight. It is crucial that you know what you have been saved into. When you understand who you are in Christ, who He is in you, (or who He can be in you!) and what the Kingdom of God is, wherever you go evil must flee because of Christ in you and the Kingdom of God that is backing you and being established where you are standing.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

One thought

I was struck by this thought today... I don't want it to be taken out of context or over analyzed, because that's not what it was meant for. It was a simple thought, no more -- no less. Its not meant to be answered or philosphized. It is exactly what it is and nothing else. It had nothing to do with anything really worthy of mention which is why I will leave it simply as just a thought... Here it is:

"If you knew it was the last time you would ever see me, would you let me leave?"

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Three Birds

I heard three birds singing in the dark.
While floating by in a brilliant mist,
drifting beneath a sweeping branch.
It decays before my eyes,
screaming out for water,
always wanting more but never satisifed.
Claiming to be strengthened in faith,
recieved by Love,
now overflowing.
Scared to step away,
so scared to stay.
Drinking from a sea of dreams,
near golden fields of imaginings.
Scared to tell the truth,
fearing to be alone.
The silence whispers in haunting echos.
snow falling in lines from the sky,
landing in silence as we walk, you and I.
Haunting me with, "You're going to be okay,
you're going to be okay,
you're going to be okay."
Seeking any other way.
Tired of the load I bear,
seeking shelter anywhere.
Weary from my days of travel,
broken feet from roads of gravel.
Waking at the dawn of day,
turning up my face to say:
"Have we forever lost our way?"
Seeing a thousand shades of gray.
Finding a shimering ray of hope,
light breaks through thickest dark.
hearing birds sing in the night,
and finally, last, that one lone lark.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas

. . . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I mean at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.


I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Monday, April 18, 2005

I'm feeling lyrical, for no real reason. I just "finished" writing a paper that was supposed to be 6 pages and ended up instead being just barely 3. I'm getting really tired of school... but actually, it seems that after this week things should slow down (hahaha!) for the week before finals. I have three and a half weeks left starting tomorrow and I find myself contemplating whether ot not its too late to drop out of school or not. I'll stab in the dark and say it is too late to drop out. Part of me is very excited for it to end... it'll mean that I can pick up my life where I left it at the end of last semester, in December. It will also mean that I can go home... I'll probably be bored for some of it... hopefully, I can get a job where my Dad works, washing dishes or being a maid. It will be so good to be working with my hands again.. and even better to have a fun new schedule. It will also be nice to maybe get to see my Dad! I'll miss Reno, too. Mainly, I'll miss Andrea. Reno is starting to grow on me.. Sure, it has nothing to do and the weather is moodier than an old dog... but generally, its pleasant. I think I'll miss taking classes too... and I've started thinking about possibly taking a summer school class at CCSN Las Vegas... but that will depend on the job that I am able to get... as well as what CCSN is offering that I care to take. In a few weeks I will get to sign up for Fall 2005 classes.. I haven't looked at any classes.. and I'm almost thinking that it will depend on where I end up living next year. I'm half ready to almost fill out a housing form for the dorms again or find a studio appartment. I feel like that would almost be easier. I really want to live with Andrea, but things don't seem to be flowing well and it's hard because I feel more urgently about it than I think she does. I also have the option of living with my friend Suzanne... I don't know her too well, but what I do know of her, I enjoy her. Yea.. I'm kind of up in the air about a lot of things. I also would like to get a job next semester.. and I'm hoping I can find some classes that are a little more interesting than this semester. I won't have to take any Math (assuming that I can pass my Math 120 class this semester). And I only need a few more core classes... 3 semesters of Core Humanities and 2 natural science classes... otherwise, I look forward to lots of English writing classes... Hopefully, I will be able to get into some of the creative writing classes. That should be good. And on that note, I am tired and off to bed!

Friday, April 15, 2005

The newest marketing genius:

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Letter from a friend

This is a letter to my readers from an anonymous friend of mine.

"I’m not a Bible scholar. In fact, I don’t know much about where I can find certain verses or stories in the Bible, but there are some things that I do know. The most important one being that as Christians, it is our job to love as Christ loves. It is not our job (It never has been, nor will it ever be) to judge others. Now, when I say that it is our job to love others, I mean that it’s our job to love our fellow Christians as well as non-Christians.

I guess that’s one of the biggest problems I have with the Christian world today. All too often Christians are taking the concept of holding one another accountable to the next level. Now don’t go thinking that I think there’s something wrong with holding one another accountable because, in fact, I believe that Christians need to be held accountable in our actions. The problem that’s happening, though, is that instead of holding one another accountable in love, Christians have taken to judging each other when they do fall.

Not only do I have a problem with the fact that Christians have taken to judging each other when they fall short of being perfect (Sorry to have to burst everyone’s bubble, but none of us will EVER be perfect. That’s why we need Jesus. Sorry, folks.), I have a problem with the fact that Christians aren’t reaching out to other non-Christians. What is our job here on earth? To spread the gospel. To reach out to those who are hurting. If we separate ourselves from the rest of the world and ONLY surround ourselves with other Christians, we are NOT fulfilling our duties as Christians.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying that we should only ever associate with non-Christians because that’s not true. Remember what I said earlier about the importance of holding each other accountable in love? We need that, but we need to be reaching out to others. If we constantly surround ourselves with only Christians will we ever reach anyone? No. I think it’s very important to have a solid foundation of Christian friends to support you and love you no matter what, but you need to make sure you are feeding God’s other children, too. If Christians are too busy with their other Christian friends who’s reaching out to others and spreading the gospel? No one.

I guess my whole reason for writing this is to emphasis the importance of loving each other. Loving Christians and non-Christians. We should never judge each other. We should love each other. We should know that our other Christians will stumble, they will let us down, they will hurt us. It’s inevitable. They’re imperfect just like we are, but that’s why we are supposed to forgive each other just like Christ forgave us. It’s also just as important to remember that just because we’re Christians does not make us better than anyone else. God loves everyone, and we should love them like he does. If non-Christians don’t see the love of Christ through us, why will they have any desire to become Christians themselves?

Once Christians understand this, they need to understand that we need to be reaching out to others. We need to be supporting each other and helping each other make those steps towards reaching out to others. If not, we’re basically encouraging our fellow Christians to stumble because they have no one to support them. If we let them venture off into the “un-Christian” world alone, they will stumble. It will happen. We need to be supporting them and help them and not judge them.

I don’t know if this has made sense. Like I said, I’m not a Bible scholar, and I’m not an English major either. The only thing I do know is that God loves me, and that it’s my job to show that to everyone else around me, too. If not, why am I here on earth? "

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

On being weak

I was going to write a post about trusting God and not trying to do everything myself... and I might still... only I just noticed that I am alone. I can not think ofa single moment in the last 3 weeks where I have been alone for more then 4 or 5 minutes at any given time. I have been keeping busy. I have been social and I've been working on a ton of homework. Spring break was pleasant... I had a lot of time alone.. a lot of time to prioritize and feel accomplished and not under pressure or careful watch. I was completely myself and it felt good to breathe. I'm ready for another break and thus greatly looking forward to summer in just a few weeks. But I know I must continue to find time alone each day... even if for just half an hour as life is hectic lately. It will also be good over summer to see my dear friend Sarah... I like her a lot... she and I have been talking a lot over the past few weeks and I find I miss her companionship more than I thought possible. Its good to have Christians friends who support you in everything... a lot of times I feel like Christians judge people.. holding people to standards they themselves can not even attain. And its good to have a friend who I know does not judge and has loved me since 5th grade and will continue to do so.....

This is actually a good time to write about how we can do nothing on our own. I amconstantly working to be nobel, good virtuous. I have veen been known to fool myself into thinking that I am in fact these things. But Isaiah says and I know that even my best deeds, when doneto earn favor with God, are nothing more than dirty rags in His sight. I read the other day an ancient Greek proverb that says, "If you wish to be good, first believe that you are bad." The problem with this is that although we come to Christ initially because we know we are bad is that it doesn;t take long for us to forget that we are still just that without Him. I realied today that I do want to be nobel and I want to be good... and so to do so, I must stop trying to be. Instead when I believe that I am not these things and never will be, no matter how hard I try, it's Christ's goodness and His noble character that produces noble character in us. I am am weak, He makes me strong. It is impossible to live the Christian life with out own strength and goodness, because we willalways fail at it. But it is through God's strength that we can know courage and through His power that we know goodness. It is His effort, His work, His goodness, and in all that, my gain.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

As for me...

Here's an ankle update:

Wednesday of spring break, so March 30, I walked on my foot when it was asleep (who doesn't, right?) and it twisted out from under me and went "pop" and I went, "Ack!" and I feel on the ground. Since then I have been limping about, and though walking on it in gerneal is fine, if it moves slightly left or right I have a sharp pain in my ankle. Thus today, after being pursuaded by Eric, I went to the health clinic on campus. They're very nice there, I like them. The wait was not too long, all things considered. And my friend D was with me the whole time making sure they didn't hurt me too much.

So I go in, get my "vitals" checked and find out I'm healthy. Yay! Good for me!! :) Then the nurse presses on a spot on my foot... no I take that back. She presses on the sore spot in my foot (although there are really like 3 of them) and I yelled out, "Oww!" She looked concerned and asked how I felt about an X-ray. I'd never had an X-ray before and I was delighted!! (the cost of an X-ray did not delight me nearly as much but I still agreed. I was delighted, none the less!)

The X-ray man was fun. I told him it was my fist X-ray. He was amazed and said that most kids always have to have an X-ray. I told him I was a very cautious child. He turned my foot this way and took a picture. He turned my foot that way and took another picture. He turned my foot a third, and most painfully way and took the last picture. When the X-rays returned I was able to look at them. I got t see my bones! Happy Footie!! I had very nice bones! So nice infact that there was nothing wrong with them. So much for the cost of the X-rays. Yet, I still got my first X-rays done today! hehe!!

So, I was moved to a third room and the doctor came in told me there was nothing wrong with me other than a sprain, possibly in the ligaments (or did she say tendons?) Which just means I could easily roll my ankle again and possibly do some real damage. So, the fit me for an ankle brace. Very stylish... black and all strappy. Woo-woo! They even wanted to give me crutches, but I figured that I'd been walking on it for over a week now, so I can keep walking. Over all (again minus the total $94 visit) it was a pleasant time! I got to have X-rays done, found out I was not broken and got a new ankle brace accessory added to my wardrobe.

So, life is good, I am happy and when the swelling and bruising go down and I can jump down the stair-well in our dorm again instead of taking the elevator, I'll be even happier! Hooray!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

"If Christians acted as they should, there would not be one Hindu left in all of India."
-Ghandi

Monday, April 04, 2005

1 Peter 1:3-9

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. "