I feel like I have had nothing to write. I feel like I have had nothing to say. You can not write or say anything unless you first experience. But you have to live to experience. You have to notice and be open to beauty and honesty and hurt. One can not live without trusting. At some point in a relationship you must make a choice. You must decide to open your heart with complete trust (which also opens you to the possibility of pain and hurt and doubt) or close off the friendship all but petty exchange. I have not been living. I do not experience every moment of everyday as I would like to. I let my dreams slip away into wonder with no action at all. Perhaps distance brings a lack of care. Lack of care doesn't place themselves in a position of hurt. If one does not get close, open their heart and live, they will be content. Content. But what are the contents of a content life? Lonliness... yes. Lonliness. But wonder. Always wonder. Wonder of what could have been if a different decision would have been made. Suppose when I was fourteen I had taken that modeling/acting job. Where would I be? Suppose I had not done CommonFire and had gone straight to college. In all honesty, should either of these options occured rather than how things did turn out, I imagine myself drunk somewhere. Drunk, perhaps knocked up and no doubt skiny as heck from eating nothing but tofu and celery since the age of fourteen. Oh, but there's still the wonder. And there's still a thankful prayer on my lips that God blessed me with a hearty appitite and a desire not to drink or pop out children. Cautious is not the word for it... but I do believe blessed is. There's still wishes for the future, wishes as simple as a seeing a professional ballet or opera, a long trip to Ireland or riding a horse on the beach. I can not stop myself from wondering what could have been or mentally attempting to erase pieces of my past, or create the future in my mind. Sometimes I do not pray because I do not wish to hear the answer. Usually I hate hearing, "no." But on occasion I also hate hearing, "yes." Oh, I wonder what God would say and I ask but I rush through in an attempt not to hear Him answering. Because instruction requires an action. And I am afraid to live.