I was realizing tonight that I talk a lot about how sensative I am. And though that may have been true in the not-to-distance past, I am not so sensative anymore.... which is both good and bad. I know that not long ago, and those of you who know me well would probably agree, I would cry at the slightest thing or get my feelings very hurt easily. This new change in attitude could be any number of things... It may be that my new environment causes me to be more hardened toward emotion because this culture is basically emotion-free. It could also be that a few months ago I dimmly recall myself asking God that I not be so emotional. Of course anyone who knows me well would say that I count compassion as one of my spiritual gifts... but I also don't enjoy having my feelings so often damaged over little or imagined things.

Now, why all this concern over being emotional, you ask. Well, when it comes to worship I feel dry and emotionless. I delt with this before, not too long ago actually; feeling nothing while singing, not even feeling a desire to sing because the words were meaningless to me... why say things I'm not really feeling, agreeing with, or promising? My good friend Jonathan said once that the only time he ever feels any kind of emotion is when he's talking about Jesus, to Jesus, or for Jesus. Any other circumstance and he won't get emotional. Part of me really admires that. Part of me wants that! And the part of me that has recently suceeded in that, so far, is very distant from God. Though that may be good for Jonathan, and it is in his ministry, and though its good for me as far as relating to people who think logically and not with their hearts, I rather miss my emotional side. The side that was sensative to peoples needs, wants and hurts and more importantly sensative to God's soft calling. Heaven knows I worried any number of people durring prayer when I would just start "randomly" crying... Oh, I miss those days. But I am so BLESSED to be able to experience this season at all!

I'll have to pray about it and see what God says about this emotional winter.

~ . ~

I'm leaving for Oakhurst tomorrow with Flan. We'll be back on Monday. Call me if you are in need of my long-distant services.