Why is it that I have been feeling so left out of community lately? There are so many wonderful people here with stories and lives and hearts full of Christ, yet I don't feel as if I belong right now. There's no where else I could imagine myself but here. I see the world full of possibilities and yet I am here stuck in rutine. A rutine that I know I was called to. A rutine that I know I am continually called to. I think of UNR next year.. that doesn't seem quite right... so , what then is right for my life? Last night in possibly the most inspirational, encouraging and beautiful sermon was given at church (given by a dear friend) Expect God to do amazing things. Be prepared for those amazing things. Humble yourself, be a servant. Expect soemthing and you will see it. But my life seems so ordinary. So dull and my eyes seemed closed to Jesus though my heart is crying out with seemingly no response. "I look unto the mountains, where does my help come from?" I know precisely where it comes from, but it doesn't seem as though its coming. I know in my heart that its on its way, that its alreayd here but I don't know the answer. I can't hear that still quite voice that I fell in love with as a child.

Its that point where I think I know exactly what I need to do, but how do I get there? How can I force myself to turn from the things I love so very much to put all my trust in God. I was praying last night before bed and God told me to trust Him. But its trusting Him with a year of my life, a year of my heart. Can I give up that much of myself? Can I give up this thing that I have told myself I love so dearly to be just with my Jesus? Of course I can, I've given things up before... but can I give up my heart this time? The thinsg I've given in the past, for Lent and such, have been trivial, though each year a bit less superficial and more glorifying... but can I give my heart? "The Heart is the Well spring of life." Christ tells us to guard our hearts and know that I can not guard my heart... but Christ can guard my heart... though the only way He can do that is if I give it to Him. Can I do that? Do I have the strength? I don't know the futrue.. and that's what scares me most. Jesus is telling me to give him what I struggle with most, by giving him my heart. and for a moment always think, "Yes God, whatever you want, its yours!" and then in a moment later I think, "Oh, but that's a whole year... that a year that anything could happen in... there's summer and there's school... and there's this place, this person... that person." But that voice is echoing in my heart, "Trust Me."

I know that if I trust, all that I've been praying for will come to pass. Answers will come freely, I will belong again and issues and worries will be solved. Does the fear out weigh the knowledge of this truth of this hope and promise that things will go right again? Of course not.... At which point my only response is thus: Here I am Lord, I trust You. I give You my heart for this year. I trust You.