How can you live a life without goals? With no point to living or waking up each morning? Question of the day was, "Why are you here today? and Why are you here at all?" Of course, this question only made it to one person before I was too troubled by the answer to continue. "I don't know" they said. All right, that's okay, I don't know precisely why I was called here either, but you must ahve some reason then why you live each day. "No, I don't really." was the response. "Well, do you have a long term goal for life?" they thought a moment, "To live each day for Jesus." Okay, good a wonderful goal! "Well, what are you doing to accomplishing that goal every day?" Another pause in thought, "I don't know I'm probably not." "So wait, you don't have any goals?" "Nope, I'm just sort of living." And then the conversation was over... A totally serious conversation! No jokes! Even small children have goals for life, you ask them what they want to be when the grow up and they could rattle off an answer for any number of hours. But this is a teen ager, practically an adult and a child has more goals for their life, more menaign to their existance. Okay,. I can maybe get past that they don't know what their goals are, but I just can't move on from the fact that in the conversation they also stated that they thought about this question a lot and enever came to a conclusion. No goals. How can you live a goal-less life? When will you know you've accomplished something? Keep my friend in your prayers.

Lonliness is still an issue for me. And I started fearing last night that if something did not happen soon, bitterness would begin to creap into my life and into this community. Benny asked me yesterday what thought could make this community better. (I'm sure word has no gotten around now that I am not exactly feeling accepted and loved in our new community.) I told him a few things, hanging out more with no TV, for example.. but really, what I feel it all comes down to are personal choices. We choose who we encourage and accept. We choose who we ignore and who is left out. Whether by subconcious decision or a meanigful act, it happens. And, it's been happening towards me. I was nervous enough about new people coming, and though they have done nothing outwardly wrong or intrusive, have been pushed from community. I don't feel free to even walk into the living room and talk with people. I was walking back to the house last night... feeling like my world was a box, the sky my ceiling, the dirt my floor, totally safe as I prayed that I wanted to walk back onto that house to those smiles and warm laughter... but at the same times, I wanted to run away from that house, I wanted to dissappear into the forest and not return because I would not be missed. But Benny's words of encouragement hung in the air as I walked... "We should talk more about community. No one should be feeling lonely."