Isn't it funny that when you leave a place you love so very much, that when you're lonely you just spend time trying to remember every detail... every knot in the wood, every laugh... every tree, just how the path way curves on the AIM trail... the feeling of waking up early and having an angelic orange glow light up your bed and looking out at the dew-turned-frost on the grass and the roof of the barn... knowing that its about 35 degrees outside but feeling so very warm with that orange glow shinning on your bed-ruffled head. In my stomache is a deep empty feeling... when I think of turning from the bright window to see Janice peek out from under her blanket and whisper with a smile, "hey" in that sweet, raspy morning voice I love every day. The thought of walking down stairs and seeing a crackling fire surrounded by people who'd actually woken up early enough for breakfast... some knitting or crocheting... some playing a card game and some reading... All perfectly content... all perfectly happy... a moment you want frozen in time forever as they look up as you enter with bright joyful faces and wish you a wonderful morning...yes... yes, the thought of that eases my mind... knowing I will go back and it will all be that way again... but its the thought of that that both eases my mind and makes me anxious for home. Yes, I am home sick... but not for this home. Not for this place.... I am sick for my community of Christians. My community of friends... for my family.

My Mom is still sick with the flu... and I'm hoping not to bring it back up with me! She hasn't been to work all week, and we were planning to go to have Thanksgiving dinner with some people from the church... but with her still sick, we called and said we couldn't come. You know you are loved when they tell you that later tonight, they will bring plates of food over so you can still have turkey and such. It is comforting to know that people are so willing to care for eachother. Especially since my Dad's at work today... and if I'd not been home, my Mom still would have been taken care of.

Last night, after hanging out with my Dad for the afternoon... shopping and eating lunch... I called up Javier, probably my closest school friend.... as I only keep in contact with 3 people from my highschool life... Then we hung out with part of my youth group. It broke my heart in several ways. Not because I missed them.. because sadly, I don't. It broke my heart because they changed... and not for the better... maybe boys will just always be boys... maybe they haven't changed at all, and its just me... Maybe I've changed... In fact, I know I have changed.. so that's not an issue at all... Perhaps I'll stop telling people when I'm come back to visit. But what broke my heart the very most is how I became suddenly.... "fake" with them around. I conformed to who they were.. I laughed at their jokes.. jokes I would normally frown at. I turned into my old self. A self I don't know anymore and a self I hate... a self I never want to see again. I fluttered my eyelashes and giggled a lot. I flirted with these people who were my friends.. with people from my youth group.. with people from my highschool... When all was done and the night was over... I felt dirty...I felt confused... I often struggle with who I really am... am I being real... I want to be real with everyone... but how do I know what of myself is real and what is fake?

When I got home last night I wrote in my prayer journal... I filled up pages! Pages of thoughts... pages of confessions... pages of worries and longings and desires.. both of my flesh and of my heart. I filled pages of questions.. about my future... about me as a person... about my time in this present place and about my time up at camp. I filled pages talking about my lonliness and of prayers for people I'd seen that night and for people I missed so dearly my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. And just after writting my last question, I opened my Bible... and where did my eyes fall on the page? Where did I chance to find myself in God's word? Song of Songs 3:1-5... "All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him, but did not find him...I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. 'Have you seen the one my heart loves?' Scarsely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go...Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."