Either Side of the River

2005-09-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been really good... full of late nights, lots of fun and little sleep. Its been grand. This is the fourth day of my 4 day weekend. I was able to finish most of my homework yesterday after church, which is always good... The only thing left is Creative Writing... I have to write a critique on some weird poems (that don't even make sense to me) and then I have to write a poem. That's where I'm having problems. I can not write a poem on que. This year, I have written 3... maybe 4 poems total. Poems, for me are inspired. They are passionate and they are windows into who I am. Poems can hold secrets that can be expressed in no other way. I can't just pop out a poem unless he wants it to mean nothing to me. I'll be honest, I'm thinking about turning in a poem I wrote this summer. Although I do feel a little cheap doing things that way. We'll see I suppose. I promised some friends I'd make them pie tonight... So I really should get going on the English so that I can run to the store and have time to make it and let it sit for a while (at least an hour or two) before they want to eat it. I'm really excited about pie. These guys all take really good care of me, so I feel like I should do the same back. Sometimes they're a little rough around the edges (but really, who's not?) the point is that they have my back in a way very few people do, and that's cool, to say the least. Otherwise, the day here is beautiful! I still ahve five yellow flowers and now a pink one added to my glass cup on my desk. Seriously, this has been the prefect weekend. Today will be a wonderful day and gosh, other than tons of homework -- which is to be expected -- my first week back in Reno, back in college was amazing.

Yellow flowers in a glass cup

2005-09-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today I... don't really have much planned. I kind of want to get some homework done today so I don't have quite so much to do later this weekend... and I know the 4 day weekend thing is just there to drive me crazy and make me think I have more time to do things than I actually do... I have a lot of reading to do this weekend... which is fun for me... but I'm just not feeling much like starting it yet. Yesterday sucked for me... it just was one of those PMSing days, I suppose... it started and ended well, but sandwiched in between was rough. I need to practice prioitizing and saying no to people. On top of many things, I have to read Genesis 1-35 for core humanities... Core humanities made me mad yesterday. The Bible is not just a piece of literature and I don't like it read that way. And it actually is a very historical document, its frustrating when people argue that. Room mate stuff is still going well... its a lot harder to get work done with 7 room mates than it was with one, last year. Four of my suitemates are leaving this weekend, so I guess that ought to give me more time to study and read. Yesterday I tripped and fell and cut my foot... the one that's still hurt from Spring break, of course. I bled all the way up to my room... figures, huh? I always trip physically when I'm tripping spiritually. So, my yesterday was not so good... and then I came home last night to bright yellow sunflowers from Anna's garden. She left them with a note that said she knew I'd been wanting flowers... and they were cheery and she knew I'd love them. And its true: I did.

Social Butterfly

2005-08-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Second day of classes were good... my nose is sunburned. My Tuesday/Thursday schedules are pretty busy. I ended up dropping Latin. So much for sticking with it... Honestly, there has to be at least one each semester that I end up hating. So, I added another English class... it should be fun... and I think I'll still have plenty of work to keep me busy. I still have Geography, Core Humanities (which assigned about 8 huge books to be read), Creative Writing which has 4 books to be read and lots of writing to be done. Then my newest English class, which is a 304 level class, American Literature. Which.. being a lit class, will no doubt have lots of reading as well. And then we can't forget Wilderness survival! Thus, it should be fun fun fun! Otherwise, I have never been busier! I don't feel like I've ever been more social. I say hello to everyone and people are always visiting me... its fun! I feel like a social butterfly... That used to get me in trouble back in Kindergarden, now its the thing to be. I'm pretty tired though... still trying to get over my sickness... my voice is still barely there... I have Crusade in about 40 minutes, but I think I'll lay down until its time to go. Yay for... everything!

I <3 the fair

2005-08-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was fun! I had church , which was so nice... and then Matthew and I went to the Crusade BBQ.... which also was nice. Cru just kind of kicked it and laid in the grass and sang worship songs.. very happy. Then I went to pick up Jason and Adam and the three of us went to the fair! Yay!! I just love the fair. we rode the farris wheel and the Kamakaze and ate funnel cake and carmel apples... I love the fair. That was yesterday!

Today I went to Latin... should be a rough class, but I want to stick with it.. even though I aready have homework. Then I sat with Crusade at the booth and just let people know we were on campus and to come to our meetings... from there I hung out a while with Drew, we had smoothies... and then Anna and I started to remodel our room, and D tried to help.. but nothing worked, so we just pushed our beds together and left for dinner. Tonight we have a room meeting which I called... I hope it goes well. I think before the meeting, Karen and I are going to go get some Starbucks... we'll see... in any case... Yay!

I love Reno.

2005-08-27T23:51:00.000-07:00

've said it before, but I'll say it again: I love Reno. I love my friends here in Reno. I love life and I love being alive.

Life's been great in everyway. My room mates and I bonded a lot today, and it was great! We decorated our common room with a kind of Hawaiian theme... in any case, it makes things cozier and as soon as we finished decorating people showed up and it was fun!

It was a really relaxing day, in any case. Jason and Adam visited me this morning. Then Karen (a suite mate) and I went to Starbucks for my unofficial interview... it went well. It was fun hanging out with her and hearing her story... she loves Jesus too and its way fun! Karen and I have a lot in common. So, then we got back from my "interview" and Andrew and Suzanne brought me soup and cough drops because I'm still dying... I was told I sound "like a poor dying sheepy." its kind of funny. Then shortly after is when we decorated and then Matthew dropped by for a short while and then Adam and Jason came by again... then D came by and so did Kevin (who lives down on the first floor). The boys and my room mates and their boyfriends and I all hung out and it was happy! Then, tonight was the block party for all student. It was alright... Matthew and I kicked it for a little while afterward, and it was nice.

Now I'm here... just really happy and content... but coughing a lot. If it weren't for the coughing, I think I'd be so happy about life that I'd burst. Everything is just wonderful... nothing in particular... just everything. Tomorrow is church, of course, and I look forward to my little cute church! As for the moment, I took some NyQuill asbout 20 minutes ago and its now beginning to kick in.... so yep! Today was lovely... life is lovely... This year will be pleasant.

I hate small talk

2005-08-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am safely in Reno. I love Reno! The weather is perfect and they have trees and green things growing everywhere. However, I am sick. Figures, huh? The last 3 days have been long and very busy. In fact, other than two brief ten minutes in the last 3 days, this is my first time alone. I love being with people... as anyone who knows me knows... but goodness! I'm also an origial only-child, so I got to have some alone time... and this will do. :-) My first night in the dorms I hung out with Tristan and his 5 other room mates until 4:30... good times. Honestly, its like yesterday had me shuffled from one friend group to the other.

My dorm is nice. (White Pine 306A, come hook it up with me!) Its small-ish, but cozy. My room mate's name is Anna. She's 17, and grew up on a farm. She's fun. Then in room B, we have an adorable Japanesse exchange student named Naomi. I haven't talked to her too much yet, but she's sweet. Naomi's room mate is Karen... I haven't actually seen her yet, but she moved in and just never came back. Then in room C we have Kayla, I like her, she's friendly. And her room mate Hannah, who's really cute. Room C seems like it should be a lot of fun. Room D has two girls, Shannon and Faun who are the best of friends so other than the first day of moving in, I haven't seen them much. So that's basically my room mate situation... I think it'll be fun. It will be a busy year... but lots of fun!

Today I'm going to make a walmart run, go back to Starbucks and speak with the manager, get my ID card activated for the semester and buy my books. I'm thinking that I'll wait to buy my books until later today because I'm told the book store isn't very busy around dinner time. I'm really looking forward to school starting... YAY!

Just Stuff

2005-08-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

So... I made it safely to Reno. (I got here just after 1pm) I'm staying the first night at some friends house. Tomorrow I move into the dorms... Sometimes I wish I could really post exactly how I feel about things and what I think. But assuming eventually someone will read it and take offence, I will refrain. Just sometimes I wonder about people who assume the worst... or just assume in general. I look forward to meeting my room mates... I really look forward to seeing them grow this year... I look forward to seeing myself grow too... but I look forward to seeing the intense growth that takes place in the life of the youngers girls I will be living with. I will be anywhere from a few months to 4 years older than my 7 other room mates. I'm excited about tomorrow... not nervous, but aprehensive.
A lot is going to change. I had a long time to think on the 7 hour drive this morning. Should be good as far as I am concerned... others may not see it as such.

Ben Stein's last column

2005-05-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column for the onlinewebsite called "Monday Night At Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people fromaround the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to otherthings in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time. ============================================ How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I puta heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is"eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing thiscolumn for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writingthis column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person andthe world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, whilebetter than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It stillbrings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw SamuelL. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right beforethat, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, inwhich we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton'sis not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood starsare terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, andthey treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman whomakes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of acamera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insaneluxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someonebright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are notriding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trainedin yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamesegirls do their nails.They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me anylonger. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who pokedhis head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met bya bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject SaddamHussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a roadnorth of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S.soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexplodedordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed heraside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolatein California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavishweddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after twoof their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped forthe sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of ourmagazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay butstand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines andnear the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poorvalues, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that whois eating at Morton's is a big subject.There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemenand women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if theywill return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who havebeen in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers andnurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; thekind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the WorldTrade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a realhero.We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happensto us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction; and when weturn over our lives to Him, He takes far better care of us than we couldever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fireourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power overto Him.I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one thatmatters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it anotherway. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier oras good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as goodan economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Oreven remotely close to any of them.But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, aboveall, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to bemy main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well withmy wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared forand paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my fatheras he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then enteredimmortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiersin Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life livedto help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, inreturn for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He hasplaced in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will. By Ben Stein

On Halo...

2005-05-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like people get the idea that all I do is sit around and play Halo. I don't. I enjoy the game, and it is a huge part of the ministry I do with folks on campus. They do it, and I bring myself to "their level" to meet with them...I'm sorry that some people feel the way they do... thats really not my issue. People could be doing a lot worse than playing a video game... I've experienced them doing a lot worse.I have watched people with nothing to do turn to drugs (I've watched people participate in drugs) I watched them turn to alchohol and violence... But I have watched Halo turn people into "team players" and I have watched them take their anger and frustration out on a TV character instead of on eachother. For these certain people Halo can be a very good release. Its true that they can sit and play for many horus at a time... its how you get good... by practice. I am not very good, and I don't plan to be very good. I'm a girl so I'm invited regardless of my skills. But they are my ministry.. and they are my friends. You don't change people to fit your needs. You meet people where they are and bring them around with you by showing them the possibility of soemthing more. I love these boys. I love everything about them, even if they spend "hours and hours and hours" in front of an X-Box. Just like I still love other friends when they dissapoint me, lie to me, are unfaithful, turn away, etc.... Believe what you want about video games... believe what you'd like about my involvement with them and those who play. But until you ask me personally and see my heart for the lost in this situation you will never know.

College Entertainment

2005-05-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

From top left to right: Angel (That's me!), Th3 Fr3nch, (bottom) L3on1das, Bipolar, & Tan Toast.

2005-05-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today a sad thing happened. I went out to my van with two friends to go grab dinner and I noticed that on my back window where normally there is a, "Jesus is the Answer" bumper sticker in the corner there was none. Someone came by and pulled it off apparently. I am sad by this only for a few reasons. First, it was a pleasant blue and yellow color and contrasted nicely with my red van. Secondly, this is not the first or the second time something like this has happened to my van. (Although the other times has all just been writing obsenities in the dirt of my back window.) I understand writing in the dirt... I understand that not everyone loves Jesus. No one is being forced to love Jesus. But I d not understand why someone would go to the extreme of peeling off someone else's bumpe sticker. Mainly, I am confused by this. But there is not much that I can do at this point. It's not going to stop me from loving Jesus or putting a new (and probably cooler) sticker on my car window. No one can stop me from doing that. I'll just keep praying for the people... after all, everytime we are persecuted we should remember that Christ was pesecuted first and take it as a blessing. Honestly, what else is there to do, you know?

The Kingdom

2005-05-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Zack,
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I have been studying like none-other for finals and such. Its crazy! I'm out of college in about a 8-9 days and will be heading home. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that he other guy you've been talking to on my comments is Jonathon (the link to his site -- which he never updates -- is on my side bar.) Keep your questions coming if you have them and I will try to get back to them as soon as possible... I'm a busy girl, so I'll do my best. the response already given to you was very similar to what I would have given to you. So instead, I posted a couple of scriptures from the Bible that might be helpful to you. Basically, the Kingdom of God (or the Kingdom of Heaven) is a very real place and it resides in the hearts of all believers and someday will be a more tangible place where we will live for all eternity. I don't know if you're a Christian or not, or if you go to a church or where you live even but I do encourage you to find a Jesus-centered body of Christians to fellowship with. I em encouraged by your questions and I hope that you continue to seek and ask questions. You're in my prayers, friend!
In Christ,
Stephanie

"The Lord's Kingdom will be an everlasting Kingdom, and all rulers will worship and obey him." Daniel 7:27

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." Matthew 3:2, 4:17

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3-10

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

"Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. "The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' " 'An enemy did this,' he replied. "The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?' " 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' ....Then he left the crowd and went into the house. His disciples came to him and said, "Explain to us the parable of the weeds in the field." Jesus answered, "The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels. "As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear. " Matthew 13: 24-30, 36-43

I'll bring a sweater

2005-05-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

So.. to keep myself entertained lately, I've been doing odd things. I ought a chair at a grage sale. Its a two person rocking chair and the most adorable thing ever. Everyone is invited over to sit with me in my rocking chair!!! It's perfect for holding hands in. I finished applying for housing for next semester. I like having options. Right now I am signed up for White Pine 306A and of course I still have the possibility, if I wanted to live with Suzanne and even Javier and I talked about renting a house together. That makes me excited. I would lve with Javier in a heart beat. I think he andI would live well together... and then I'd get to see him more than once a month.

I lost my cell phone last night. I thought I threw it away and it was raining so I stood outside digging through the trash in the rain... I got some weird looks and someone even tried to help me, but no phone. I was perplexed. But it ended up in the back seat of Javier's car.... which is just really really strange to me. because I swear it was in my hand.. so I must have dropped in on my way out and it slid back there. (?) In any case, I have my phone... Yay! I was so sad about it... I realized I need to not place so much weight in earthly things like that. (and I need to back up all my phone numbers on my computer!) I hardly ever use my phone, actually.. but since I didn't have it I felt cut off from the world in a strange way... and I had no way to talk to my parents! Sad! But, no worries, it's back.

I'm off to a Barbeque shortly... which should be fun if the weather stays nice. Its started off perfect this morning when I left for church... and it's become a bit overcast and just breezy enough to be chilly... but don't worry, I'll wear a sweater.

Pray for me.

2005-04-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

I think a good word to describe life right now would be "boring." Yes, sadly, I am bored. I live no adventure... no mystery. I feel simply blah. School is chugging away, with a totaly of 14 days before I leave for Vegas. I'm sad to go and because I hate goodbyes, I am half content to stay up in my room and not come out except for classes and finals, etc. Its hard because I have nothing to look forward to when I get home. No camp for me this summer... but I still have no plans for other things in my life. I want to work, and I'll attmept a job with my dad washing dishes or cleaning for 14 dollars an hour. But otherwise, all of my friends but Sarah will be up at camp. I do look forward to seeing Sarah, and hanging out with my parents. Its been a few years since I experienced a Las Vegas summer.... I'm not realy looking forward to that.

I hope all of this doesn't sound sad and hopeless, because that's not the way I feel either. I am looking forward to what God will do in my life and how He will change me... I'm just passing through a place that sucks right now. I promise that if you give me... 2-3 weeks I will be completely back to normal... or as normal as I can get. There are a lot of people who are praying for me. I was under the impression for a long while that if other Christians knew what I'd been doing they would hate me, judge me, and look down on me. So I never said a word... it came out very slowly and only to a very selected few. Even now, I don't think anyone knows to 100% what I've been going through but I've talked to a lot of people in Cru and they have all helped. I'm excited because I feel that has strengthed our friendships and also my trust in other believers. No one has turned me away yet... because that's just not what Christians do.. It was just another lie a top 10-25 other lies I allowed into my life. So I may have said before that I feel I'm in an in between place... but this is more in between than anywhere else. This is me sitting and waiting and trying to trust in what I'd been doubting over the past 2 months.

You want to pray for me? Pray strength. Strength that I will hold to the will of God and that I will trust Him as I wait. Pray for the people involved in all of my decision making that they will see Christ through my actions and be drawn closer to Him in response. Pray for a spirirt of understanding and acceptance in all those involved, including myself. Pray that all of these things will turn no one away. This is my pray: That people would see the love I have in Christ, to give up all I have achieved and desire to follow Him because of it. Please, if you pray, do pray for me.

Makign Decisions

2005-04-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

It is decision time; there are two kingdoms, two choices. Which one will you choose?

The devil’s kingdom is full of rage, hate, violence, bitterness, depression, unforgiveness, hurt, and disease, just to name a few.

The Kingdom of God is full of love, joy, peace, power, authority, grace, protection and much more!

Well, it would seem obvious which one sounds better, but which one will you choose? It is time to choose which one you will serve, no more going back and forth. It’s time to advance the Kingdom of God; live as citizens in the Kingdom and take back everything the enemy has stolen from you! But it is a choice. You can choose to be Kingdom people now or let stupid stuff get in the way and “try” to live in victory. It’s not time to be passive!

Matt. 11:12 says that “the Kingdom suffers violence but the violent take it by force.” It’s time to seize the Kingdom by force! We must resist the devil with violent force! We must kill all compromise with violent force! It’s not time to be wimps; it’s time to be the royalty that God says we are.

It’s time to take a stand for the things of God. It’s time to take back our community in the Name of the Lord! God is getting ready to do stuff and we need to be ready…If you don’t understand what the Kingdom of God is all about, please find out! Ask me anything! I'll give it to you straight. It is crucial that you know what you have been saved into. When you understand who you are in Christ, who He is in you, (or who He can be in you!) and what the Kingdom of God is, wherever you go evil must flee because of Christ in you and the Kingdom of God that is backing you and being established where you are standing.

One thought

2005-04-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

I was struck by this thought today... I don't want it to be taken out of context or over analyzed, because that's not what it was meant for. It was a simple thought, no more -- no less. Its not meant to be answered or philosphized. It is exactly what it is and nothing else. It had nothing to do with anything really worthy of mention which is why I will leave it simply as just a thought... Here it is:

"If you knew it was the last time you would ever see me, would you let me leave?"

Three Birds

2005-04-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

I heard three birds singing in the dark.
While floating by in a brilliant mist,
drifting beneath a sweeping branch.
It decays before my eyes,
screaming out for water,
always wanting more but never satisifed.
Claiming to be strengthened in faith,
recieved by Love,
now overflowing.
Scared to step away,
so scared to stay.
Drinking from a sea of dreams,
near golden fields of imaginings.
Scared to tell the truth,
fearing to be alone.
The silence whispers in haunting echos.
snow falling in lines from the sky,
landing in silence as we walk, you and I.
Haunting me with, "You're going to be okay,
you're going to be okay,
you're going to be okay."
Seeking any other way.
Tired of the load I bear,
seeking shelter anywhere.
Weary from my days of travel,
broken feet from roads of gravel.
Waking at the dawn of day,
turning up my face to say:
"Have we forever lost our way?"
Seeing a thousand shades of gray.
Finding a shimering ray of hope,
light breaks through thickest dark.
hearing birds sing in the night,
and finally, last, that one lone lark.

T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

2005-04-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas
. . . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I mean at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

2005-04-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling lyrical, for no real reason. I just "finished" writing a paper that was supposed to be 6 pages and ended up instead being just barely 3. I'm getting really tired of school... but actually, it seems that after this week things should slow down (hahaha!) for the week before finals. I have three and a half weeks left starting tomorrow and I find myself contemplating whether ot not its too late to drop out of school or not. I'll stab in the dark and say it is too late to drop out. Part of me is very excited for it to end... it'll mean that I can pick up my life where I left it at the end of last semester, in December. It will also mean that I can go home... I'll probably be bored for some of it... hopefully, I can get a job where my Dad works, washing dishes or being a maid. It will be so good to be working with my hands again.. and even better to have a fun new schedule. It will also be nice to maybe get to see my Dad! I'll miss Reno, too. Mainly, I'll miss Andrea. Reno is starting to grow on me.. Sure, it has nothing to do and the weather is moodier than an old dog... but generally, its pleasant. I think I'll miss taking classes too... and I've started thinking about possibly taking a summer school class at CCSN Las Vegas... but that will depend on the job that I am able to get... as well as what CCSN is offering that I care to take. In a few weeks I will get to sign up for Fall 2005 classes.. I haven't looked at any classes.. and I'm almost thinking that it will depend on where I end up living next year. I'm half ready to almost fill out a housing form for the dorms again or find a studio appartment. I feel like that would almost be easier. I really want to live with Andrea, but things don't seem to be flowing well and it's hard because I feel more urgently about it than I think she does. I also have the option of living with my friend Suzanne... I don't know her too well, but what I do know of her, I enjoy her. Yea.. I'm kind of up in the air about a lot of things. I also would like to get a job next semester.. and I'm hoping I can find some classes that are a little more interesting than this semester. I won't have to take any Math (assuming that I can pass my Math 120 class this semester). And I only need a few more core classes... 3 semesters of Core Humanities and 2 natural science classes... otherwise, I look forward to lots of English writing classes... Hopefully, I will be able to get into some of the creative writing classes. That should be good. And on that note, I am tired and off to bed!

2005-04-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

The newest marketing genius:

www.savetoby.com

Letter from a friend

2005-04-13T00:17:00.000-07:00

This is a letter to my readers from an anonymous friend of mine.

"I’m not a Bible scholar. In fact, I don’t know much about where I can find certain verses or stories in the Bible, but there are some things that I do know. The most important one being that as Christians, it is our job to love as Christ loves. It is not our job (It never has been, nor will it ever be) to judge others. Now, when I say that it is our job to love others, I mean that it’s our job to love our fellow Christians as well as non-Christians.

I guess that’s one of the biggest problems I have with the Christian world today. All too often Christians are taking the concept of holding one another accountable to the next level. Now don’t go thinking that I think there’s something wrong with holding one another accountable because, in fact, I believe that Christians need to be held accountable in our actions. The problem that’s happening, though, is that instead of holding one another accountable in love, Christians have taken to judging each other when they do fall.

Not only do I have a problem with the fact that Christians have taken to judging each other when they fall short of being perfect (Sorry to have to burst everyone’s bubble, but none of us will EVER be perfect. That’s why we need Jesus. Sorry, folks.), I have a problem with the fact that Christians aren’t reaching out to other non-Christians. What is our job here on earth? To spread the gospel. To reach out to those who are hurting. If we separate ourselves from the rest of the world and ONLY surround ourselves with other Christians, we are NOT fulfilling our duties as Christians.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying that we should only ever associate with non-Christians because that’s not true. Remember what I said earlier about the importance of holding each other accountable in love? We need that, but we need to be reaching out to others. If we constantly surround ourselves with only Christians will we ever reach anyone? No. I think it’s very important to have a solid foundation of Christian friends to support you and love you no matter what, but you need to make sure you are feeding God’s other children, too. If Christians are too busy with their other Christian friends who’s reaching out to others and spreading the gospel? No one.

I guess my whole reason for writing this is to emphasis the importance of loving each other. Loving Christians and non-Christians. We should never judge each other. We should love each other. We should know that our other Christians will stumble, they will let us down, they will hurt us. It’s inevitable. They’re imperfect just like we are, but that’s why we are supposed to forgive each other just like Christ forgave us. It’s also just as important to remember that just because we’re Christians does not make us better than anyone else. God loves everyone, and we should love them like he does. If non-Christians don’t see the love of Christ through us, why will they have any desire to become Christians themselves?

Once Christians understand this, they need to understand that we need to be reaching out to others. We need to be supporting each other and helping each other make those steps towards reaching out to others. If not, we’re basically encouraging our fellow Christians to stumble because they have no one to support them. If we let them venture off into the “un-Christian” world alone, they will stumble. It will happen. We need to be supporting them and help them and not judge them.

I don’t know if this has made sense. Like I said, I’m not a Bible scholar, and I’m not an English major either. The only thing I do know is that God loves me, and that it’s my job to show that to everyone else around me, too. If not, why am I here on earth? "

On being weak

2005-04-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a post about trusting God and not trying to do everything myself... and I might still... only I just noticed that I am alone. I can not think ofa single moment in the last 3 weeks where I have been alone for more then 4 or 5 minutes at any given time. I have been keeping busy. I have been social and I've been working on a ton of homework. Spring break was pleasant... I had a lot of time alone.. a lot of time to prioritize and feel accomplished and not under pressure or careful watch. I was completely myself and it felt good to breathe. I'm ready for another break and thus greatly looking forward to summer in just a few weeks. But I know I must continue to find time alone each day... even if for just half an hour as life is hectic lately. It will also be good over summer to see my dear friend Sarah... I like her a lot... she and I have been talking a lot over the past few weeks and I find I miss her companionship more than I thought possible. Its good to have Christians friends who support you in everything... a lot of times I feel like Christians judge people.. holding people to standards they themselves can not even attain. And its good to have a friend who I know does not judge and has loved me since 5th grade and will continue to do so.....

This is actually a good time to write about how we can do nothing on our own. I amconstantly working to be nobel, good virtuous. I have veen been known to fool myself into thinking that I am in fact these things. But Isaiah says and I know that even my best deeds, when doneto earn favor with God, are nothing more than dirty rags in His sight. I read the other day an ancient Greek proverb that says, "If you wish to be good, first believe that you are bad." The problem with this is that although we come to Christ initially because we know we are bad is that it doesn;t take long for us to forget that we are still just that without Him. I realied today that I do want to be nobel and I want to be good... and so to do so, I must stop trying to be. Instead when I believe that I am not these things and never will be, no matter how hard I try, it's Christ's goodness and His noble character that produces noble character in us. I am am weak, He makes me strong. It is impossible to live the Christian life with out own strength and goodness, because we willalways fail at it. But it is through God's strength that we can know courage and through His power that we know goodness. It is His effort, His work, His goodness, and in all that, my gain.

As for me...

2005-04-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Here's an ankle update:

Wednesday of spring break, so March 30, I walked on my foot when it was asleep (who doesn't, right?) and it twisted out from under me and went "pop" and I went, "Ack!" and I feel on the ground. Since then I have been limping about, and though walking on it in gerneal is fine, if it moves slightly left or right I have a sharp pain in my ankle. Thus today, after being pursuaded by Eric, I went to the health clinic on campus. They're very nice there, I like them. The wait was not too long, all things considered. And my friend D was with me the whole time making sure they didn't hurt me too much.

So I go in, get my "vitals" checked and find out I'm healthy. Yay! Good for me!! :) Then the nurse presses on a spot on my foot... no I take that back. She presses on the sore spot in my foot (although there are really like 3 of them) and I yelled out, "Oww!" She looked concerned and asked how I felt about an X-ray. I'd never had an X-ray before and I was delighted!! (the cost of an X-ray did not delight me nearly as much but I still agreed. I was delighted, none the less!)

The X-ray man was fun. I told him it was my fist X-ray. He was amazed and said that most kids always have to have an X-ray. I told him I was a very cautious child. He turned my foot this way and took a picture. He turned my foot that way and took another picture. He turned my foot a third, and most painfully way and took the last picture. When the X-rays returned I was able to look at them. I got t see my bones! Happy Footie!! I had very nice bones! So nice infact that there was nothing wrong with them. So much for the cost of the X-rays. Yet, I still got my first X-rays done today! hehe!!

So, I was moved to a third room and the doctor came in told me there was nothing wrong with me other than a sprain, possibly in the ligaments (or did she say tendons?) Which just means I could easily roll my ankle again and possibly do some real damage. So, the fit me for an ankle brace. Very stylish... black and all strappy. Woo-woo! They even wanted to give me crutches, but I figured that I'd been walking on it for over a week now, so I can keep walking. Over all (again minus the total $94 visit) it was a pleasant time! I got to have X-rays done, found out I was not broken and got a new ankle brace accessory added to my wardrobe.

So, life is good, I am happy and when the swelling and bruising go down and I can jump down the stair-well in our dorm again instead of taking the elevator, I'll be even happier! Hooray!

2005-04-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

"If Christians acted as they should, there would not be one Hindu left in all of India."

-Ghandi

1 Peter 1:3-9

2005-04-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. "

Poetic thoughts

2005-03-29T22:20:00.000-08:00

I watched the proverbial sunrise, coming up over the Pacific and you might think that I'm losing my mind, but I will shy away from the specifics. You see, I don't want you to know where I am, because then you'll see my heart in the saddest place its ever been and I know that this is no way to try and live my life. When I go down, I go down hard... I've given up on giving up slowly. I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from the whole rest of the world that shares my fate. This is my one last shot at redemption, because I know in order to live you must give your life away. I've got to get out of here -- in Reno, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. And of this "life sentence" that I'm serving, I'll admit that I am every bit deserving... but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. I've got to let it all out, completely remove it... I know I'm scared to find out what life is really all about. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose it but I know that all along this is exactly what I need. I'm just crying out for consistency. God said, "I know that this will hurt you, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. And if your burden seems to much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get you there." I am sorry for the person I become up there and I'm ready to make sure I'm never that caught up in too many things again... but who I've been makes who I am, right? When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and it takes all the things I learned to teach myself some more disregard. I do wish my problems would go away if I ignored them, but no... that's not the way it works... However, I do know that when I do "go down" all I have to do is lift my eyes to Jesus and I don't have to look very far because He will be there with open arms to lift me up again... Don't worry about me....

Not about the Bunny

2005-03-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

The following is written well... a good friend of mine wrote it for his bible study... I liked it, so I'm sharing it! I hope you enjoy!!

"I find it very sad and frustrating that we lose our focus on Christ and on to so many meaningless things. We see this on most Holidays, Christmas seems to be about giving and getting stuff and some fat guy trying to squeeze down our chimneys, instead of being about Jesus. Oh sure, we might take a moment and say “happy birthday Jesus” but then what?

This month many will have fun with eggs, bunnies, and candy, but do we stop and think about what it’s really about? The day that most call “Easter” is named after “Eastre” the goddess of fertility. (Don’t get me started on that). This 27th is not some goddess day, its Resurrection Sunday and we need to remember that. It’s all about Jesus and what He did on the Cross. Its sad most Christians don’t really understand the awesome display of love, obedience, power and horror that took place at Calvary…. Earthquakes, rocks breaking, veils ripping – Powerful!!

He took all sin, disease, guilt, rejection, and grief to the cross so we could be free from it!

But maybe that’s why many struggle so much with sin, because they don’t understand what Christ did and what happened because of it.

Do you understand that only because of what Jesus did, the blood covered our sick and disgusting dead selves and redeemed us, broke the power of sin and death, bringing us to salvation?

We use the word “saved” way too lightly, there are so many out there that say without thought “yeah, I’m saved”.

I would hope that you know what you are saved from, but let me ask you this; do you know what you are saved into??

Salvation means: deliverance from sin and from the penalties of sin; redemption.
It is through Christ’s blood that was poured out; we have redemption, forgiveness of sins. (Col. 1:14)

We have been saved into much more than what people may think. We were brought out of the power of darkness and into His Kingdom. (Col.1:13) We are now a part of His Kingdom, not the kingdom of darkness. It’s time we start acting like we are citizens of His Kingdom.

Do you know that a lot happened in the spiritual realm during Calvary? Because Adam and Eve sinned, they lost the authority and dominion God had given them and the devil took it and ran with it. Because of Calvary, Christ took back all authority in Heaven of on earth (Matt. 28:18) and He disarmed the evil principalities and powers and made a public display of them, triumphing over them. (Col. 2:15)

Because Christ took back the authority, we now have that authority and we can use it to tell the devil to get lost!

Because of the Cross, we have been set free from sin and death, just read Romans 6.
Romans 6:14 says that sin will not have dominion (ownership) over us, because we are under grace.

So why do we struggle with sin so much? Could it be because we have believed a lie that we should expect to sin a lot? Could it be because we haven’t understood Calvary and the power of the blood? Do we dare say the blood wasn’t good enough?? See here’s the thing. Yes we do have a sinful nature, but we need to crucify the flesh and walk in the Spirit. You may say, “Well, it’s just not that easy”. I say if sin does not own me anymore, why should I let my flesh run wild? I’m not doing in it in my power or my might, but in God’s. We are temples of the Holy Ghost! (1 Cor. 6:19) We have the living God inside of us, the whole Godhead! (Col. 2:10) We are under grace! We think of grace as mercy. Grace is a divine influence upon the heart. It is the thing that makes it possible for us to be Christ-like. According to James 4:6 (Amplified):
“But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully)…”

Isn’t that too cool!? We have the power of the Holy Ghost to meet evil desires.

Because of Calvary, we can walk in freedom and power, and enjoy the love, joy, and true soul peace, without getting beat up all the time. Praise God!! There is freedom and healing power in the blood! There is so much more to say about Calvary, I encourage you to study for yourself and find out all the amazing aspects of Calvary this Resurrection Sunday.

Remember, it’s not about the bunny, it’s about Christ!!"

I'm still waiting for

2005-03-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

The following song is from Relient K's newest CD, "MMHMM" they're a fun secular/Christian band. But I heard this song and I always feel like they wrote and sang this song especially for me... So, here it is!

The way that girl can break a heart

It’s like a work of art

And this is the worst part

She knows it

And she’s so confident

That she’s what everybody wants

But nobody wants

Her to know that

So fall back on all of your premonitions

And just learn to listen

To those that have more wisdom than you

And just stop

Putting so much stockIn all of this stuff

Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for

You to be the one I’m waiting for

The way that girl can turn a head

Well she is such a threat

But don’t ever forget

She knows it

And she’s got it all

All figured out

And she won’t let you doubt

She knows it I’m still waiting for

You to be the one I’m waiting for

Something tells me that this is going to make sense

Something tells me it’s going to take patience

Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

I am fearful, hear me cluck.

2005-03-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

Last year on Common Fire we had coyotes running around outside out house at night, making all kinds of frightful noises. They scared me. They really did. I always thought that the coyotes were going to eat someone, even though I was assured this would not happen. It still scared me. It still does, actually... the memory of them waking me at night and me shaking alone in my bed as I would sit up and watch them run in the yard below. Coyotes, wolves and large dogs are often what my nightmares consist of. It's slightly pathetic, even sad... I know.

I am also afraid of monkeys. Also rather sad and pathetic. Did anyone hear the story a few months back about a monkey gone crazy at a zoo and attack this man and ate off his nose and thumb... the thought alone of a monkey near me makes me want to curl up in a ball on the purple rug and cry. Monkeys also frequent my nghtmares... what can I do?

I have a fear of deep water... no, more like just drowning in general. I liked to swim as a kid, but I was never very good. Last summer I enjoyed swimming across the lake with Andrea... but I'd usually get half way across, and start to get a little tired and I'd start breathing in quick gasps of air, like hyperventualting... More afraid that all of a sudden my body would just say, "nope, I'm done swimming" and I would sink 20 feet to the bottom and die, and no one would ever know. Terrible.... I am all too aware.

I feel it now.

2005-03-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

I know how it feels to be slipping,
I feel it now.

I know how it feels to be alone,

I keep pushing people away.

I want to forget the truth,
I want to live like I never knew it.
I want to forget my promises,
I want to live like I don't care.
I want to rebel from what is right,
I want to take the path most taken.
I don't want to catch myself,
I just want to fall.
I don't want to be bored again.
I just can't hear anymore.
I am ready to let go.

Hopelessly devoted

2005-03-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

I saw that beautiful boy, Nick again today. (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I was walking up the stairs and there he was, looking up at me. He said, "Hello" and I smiled down at him... Kind of a Romeo-Juliet-balcony-thing. Honestly, the conversation was nothing to even write about. For all those who think my life is never awkward and that I am always a smart, quick-witted, sweet little girl, be assured that I am not. I could think of nothing more to say then, "So, do you have a class?" and then, "Yea, me too." Oh, Steph Garver... We must work on your social skills. I get so shy and quiet around cute boys. Well, though my chances were slim on seeing him again, I did see him!! So perhaps my chances are not nearly so slim as I thought! Of course, if I wasn't old fashioned and hadn't been so stupidly silent, perhaps we could have gotten coffee... or gotten married. heh heh... No, just kidding. But he has a beautiful face. I wish that silly hopeless romantic in me wasn't quite so "hopeless."

On a side note, I am addicted to Halo. I don't know how it happened... I don't know when it happened -- Oh, yes I do! It was last weekend when I was bored and had nothing else to do... and now I dream about Halo.... I close my eyes and I am running through passages. The guys are drilling me on Halo trivia. I want to get good. Real good. I want to beat the boys and make them cry. I want to be quote a "hot gamer chick." I want to go to Halo parties and competitions and have guys go, "oh, why'd they bring a girl..." and then beat them and make them cry! haha! vI'm being trained this weekend. It should be a good time. I'm excited. Hooray! lol.... I've never played video games before last weekend, so basically, I suck... but I have an enjoyable time!

A chance meeting.

2005-03-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

I made a new friend today. His name was Nick. We were on the same shuttle up to the mail boxes. we crossed the street together and he held the door to the post office open for me. Then after we'd both checked our boxes (both were empty) he held the door open for me again. Boys: It's those little things girls like a lot. Then we walked back across the street together. Apparently he was paying enough attention to me to notice I had stopped at the corner (so as not to get run over by a semi-truck) and then we crossed the street together. We stood at the shuttle stop and I felt awkard... I wanted to say something... oh, but I am shy! So he said, "Do you live on campus." I answered yes and that I lived in Argenta. He said he lived in Lincoln. I asked his major, he said he was a theater major with teaching and philosphy minors. I enjoyed him, he was a nice boy. Where have all the nice guys gone to, really? He said he wasn't into the "party scene.." I told him I wasn't either. Then we had more awkward silence until he asked my name. Once the shuttle arrived, we sat near eachother. He said I looked a lot like the girl from the Mummy and told me, "you must get that a lot. You look just like her." I told him I thought she was beautiful and thanked him for the compliment but assured him that was one I had not heard before. He then agreed that he thought she was beautiful and he smiled at me. Then the shuttle stopped and he said, "It was nice to meet you." I told him I'd see him around, though really, the chances of that are slim.... unless we meet again tomorrow on another post-office shuttle run... but the chances there are slim as well. How many shuttles pass by in an hour? And just like that, he was gone. Honestly, I think I've had more fleeting romance on post office runs than I have at any other time during the year here in Reno. Nick was a pleasant boy... And I would enjoy seeing him again.

Making decisions

2005-03-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

Whenever you face trials, you should seek wise counsel.

I support this statement. And on occasion I do not seek wise counsel... but I do know the wisest counselor is the Holy Spirit. And wise counsel should ultimately direct you toward Him. Every person I have talked to about my newest "issue" has directed me, in some way, toward Him.

Yesterday I talked to Flan... today I talked to my wisest human counsel (my mommy) then I talked with Sydney and finally to Jamie. Basically, everyone gave the same advice. And honestly, this is one of the widest groups of people I could consult about this "issue."

"What is yout 'issue,' Steph Garver?!" you ask. My issue is overcommitment.

I've lost joy in things by over doing them. I really should not feel responsible toward certain people the way I do. Baisically, the ultimate praise toward God is doing things that glorify Him. Things that my heart finds joy in; by me doing things out of service toward Him and not out of obligation. I do need to prayfully consider the things I have been doing. Do I find joy here? Do I find satisfaction here? Am I content? And is this really where my heart is?

I have a heart for the unsaved, but I do not care too much for evangelism. I encourage people when it comes naturally, not when it is required of me. I love to teach, but only when people are seeking and asking it of me, individually. I love to pray when I am Spirit-led. I love to hang out with people when I feel like it.

I always love to spend time alone with Jesus, but I haven't been able to because I have been doing things I don't like doing nearly as much.

I am thinking hard about going home over Spring Break and not going on the mission trip to LA. That's not where my heart is. I would be very very good for me to be home. For me to be able to find time to breathe... my parents won't be home for some of my Spring Break, but me being home alone would be good... not only for myself and for my soul, but also (random, I know) because my kitties would be taken care of for the week. I can still get back all my money from the LA trip.

Perhaps it seems selfish. "I just need to be alone." But I would get to hang out with Tammi -- my best friend -- who I haven't really hung out with in over a year if I went home for break. I don't know, some stuff to really pray over. But stuff I need to make decisions on very soon. Because when I do things my heart is not in -- which is not glorifying to God -- the ministries I do love and would very much enjoy throwing myself into end up suffering.

A Pleasant Day

2005-03-14T14:41:00.000-08:00

Today is a pleasant day. This weekend was pleasant, but left me rather tired. I was never in my room for long this weekend, which was happy simply because it would have been lonely with Andrea Rea not being here, as she was out of town. However, this weekend, I got adicted to playing Halo. Only Heaven can help me now.

Today is a pleasant day. I am currently sitting here enjoying one of our last warm days for a while, as it is supposed to get chilly later this week. I am currently sitting here enjoying an avacado that I bought last Friday at Wal-mart for 79 cents, eating an avacado reminds me of happy days from last year on Common Fire. I am currently sitting here singing along with You're a Good Man Charlie Brown. What a happy musical.

Today is a pleasant day. But I still had to attend classes. In Drama today we discussed the play Desire Under the Elms, by Eugene O'Neil. A few ineresting things came up in discussion that I feel are important enough to mention via Blog. Thus I will list some of the highlights:

Control your desire so you don't have to face the consequences of your guilt.
You can not develop as a person when you feel guilty.
The desire for love can blind you into a temporarily, immoral insanity.
Desire consumes without realizing it.
Uncontrolled desire brings disaster and tradegy.
When you do realize your mistake, it is too late to start thinking and be able to change your circumstances.

Today is a pleasant day. I was realizing that I feel a great amount of community pressure. The communities I am involved in require great responsibility. Many that I can not commit to. I have this idea of freedom from community. I am over eighteen, I have not lived at home in two years. In many ways I can take care of myself. I learned long ago how to brush my teeth, look both ways before crossing the street and that every action has a consequence. I grew up with enough freedom that I was able to learn many many consequences as I was a "bad" kid growing up. (Don't believe me? Not surpring. Ask my Mom, she'll tell you! Its true!)

Today is a pleasant day. I feel that I am doing too many things. There is hardly a moment free for me to catch my breath. There are 8 weeks left, including Spring Break, and I am not really wanting to leave. Weird, I don't want to leave school... heh. No, I wouldn't mind leaving,I'd actually really like to go home for Spring Break... but there is simply too much to do, too many people to hang out with, and too many places to be. I feel over whelmed lately with people calling every hour wanting to hang out all the time. Last semester all I did was homework. I sat in my room and was never social... I didn't know anyone enough to be social. Now I'm too social, and I need to have space an breathe or be alone.

Today is a pleasant day. So pleasant. In a while, Eric and I are going to go for a walk in the park. Then, I will come back to homework and shortly after go to Bible study, then more homework and then sleep... and then it starts all over again.

Today is a pleasant day.

"Happy Birthday, Steph Garver!"

2005-03-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today, I turned twenty. Many people asked me if I felt any different. I don't really. Its rather crazy to think that I have been alive for two whole decades... twenty years.... What's more unfortunate is that basically, I don't remmeber the first 12 or 13 years... honestly, I can't remember what I had for lunch today, so it's not easy for me to think back 7 or so years. Perhaps I have early signs of alzhiemers...?

Beyond my memory, I had a lovely day. Of course, I still had to go to class, even though several people encouraged me to ditch. (Shame on them.) I began productively by waking up early... actually, I was up until 2 am last night writing a paper... so, I got up about when Andrea woke up, so only 20 minutes or so before my alarm was supposed to go off. Then I started 3 loads of laundry... I had no clothes left. (Obviously, no one does laundry when all their clothes are clean.) Then I went to math and was basicially bored... we learned about the Richter Scale. (woohoo!) After ward, I went to English... where my communist English teacher talked about how she is a "Humanist" and we shouldn't write about or use religious arguments iin our papers... that would explain my low grade on my last paper... heh... it was a Pro-Christian/Anti-Communist paper... or as she put it, "Extremist Anti-Chinese Propaganda." I'll have to post it soon for all of my faithful readers out there. After that was lunch with Andrea Rea... always a good time.

Then I had to finish spell checking and print out my Mid-term essay for my English-Drama. That was an utterly boring class today, and looking out the window at the bright blue sky made it all the worse. It was thenicest today then it has been all year! The sky was bright blue and it nevr got too breezy... it was about 75 degrees, really... basically, it was the first day I was able to wear short sleeves... not quite ready to pull out the shorts because in Reno the weather changes too fast. After class, I hung out in the sun for about 45 minutes with Matthew. Then I came back to the room, just in the same time Flan did! So, we took a smoothie break in which she got a number 5 and I got a number 13 and we sat outside by the lake and watched the geese go crazy. When we got back to the room, I folded some clothes and picked up a bit... entertained some brithday-well-wishers... and at 5:30, Andrea and I headed down to the parkinglot.

From there I was "kidnapped" by Jamie and Eric who had originally planned to take me iceskating... (We'll be doing that Friday instead. Hooray!) But since the times were odd, we went over to the Hilton and ate at Johnny Rockets... where they sang to me, brought me iceream and tied balloons to my wrist. It was cute. But we never heard the song "Brown-eyed girl" over the speakers... even though I put money into the jut-box. Next time!! We wandered around for a while after that before goin over to Marble Slab and having icecream (again). It was a lovely and pleasant day/night. I'm rather exhausted, so I'm glad I am able to sleep in tomorrow.

A Big Thank You Shout-Out to All those who called throughout the day and left me happy messages and even more so to those who sang "Happy Birthday" into the phone. Amazing. Also a big thanks to those who just left me messages over IM or e-cards. Thanks to all!! You helped to make it a GrEaT day!

Each Game of Chess...

2005-03-08T22:50:00.000-08:00

I met a man in a coffee shop, just off campus, tonight named Peter. He was of average height, brown hair and hazel eyes. He was friendly and offered me drink selections. He told me, "Go for the French Soda over the Italian." I smiled and asked the difference... I had been planning on getting a 16 oz. white chocolate mocha with a shot of toffee, just like always. He said the only difference was that at the end, a French Soda had half&half mixed in. I decided to live life on the edge and ordered a French Soda. Then, going with the flow I asked him what flavor I should get. He told me Orange was like a popscicle, the Amaretto was "too nutty" and Kiwi was the most often picked, and Banana made the half&half curdle. I told him I'd go with Mango. He told me if I didn't like it he'd me me another for free. I tried it. It was pleasant... not a mocha, but still refreshing.

When I told him I was early meeting people we sat down together, after all, the night would be slow until the stream of Crusade kids would wander in. We talked about our classes. We talked about taking time off from school. We talked about the death of some of our close friends. He needed to talk and I enjoyed listening. When he got passed the things he felt comfortable talking about with a stranger, he pulled out the Chess board and we sat in understanding silence and pushed tiny plastic pieces across the black and red checkered board. It was a mutual silence, neither with strategy, just two stranger playing Chess in a quiet coffee shop.

A new hat.

2005-03-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

Today, I bought a hat with some Birthday money that arrived early. I had been wanting a hat and now I have one. It is a white baseball cap with a hole in the back for my pony tail to go through. It says, "Nevada Wolf Pack" in navy blue letters. It is a pleasant hat. I am glad I invested in it. Especially since it was very warm and happy today. So it was nice to be wearing a pleasant new white hat with a hole for a pony tail. It made me feel like it was summer. I enjoy summer... much like I enjoy my new white hat. That's all for now.

When words are not enough

2005-03-05T23:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I talk, I wonder if I've said anything at all.
I wonder if I've made a difference.
I wonder if I've changed a life.
Sometimes, I think over a conversation and wonder,
"Have I said everything I meant to --
Did it come across alright?"
Sometimes, I wonder if I get too caught up in the moment,
When I let passion carry away my reason.
Usually I don't regret my actions or my words.
But sometimes, I do.
Some words and phrases are spoken too easily,
"I hate when..." or "I wish they'd..."
Somethings are supposed to stay locked up.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should have said more.
But most of the time, I wonder if I've said anything at all.

as God answers

2005-03-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know God's plan. I do not know God's plan for my life. I don't know my calling or where many of my gifts lie.

I am waiting.

I find it hard to be still, hard to wait... Hard to stay focused. I grow weak in waiting and often I am ashamed.
When will I know?
Do I dare to fit the whole universe into a single ball that might fit in my palm? "'Do I dare?' and 'Do I dare?'" Is it worth it in the end?
Sometimes I think so.

My heart is full with death... full with life.
Full with interpretations, dreams... longings.
Longings so great at times I feel I may burst open or split in two.
And sometimes full of such pain that it hurts to breathe.
It hurts to be.

There is much to say and yet nothing at all.

Random-ness

2005-03-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday night, walking home from Crusade, Andrea and I began walking across the street, and around the corner a car turning right zoomed by, just in time, we jumped back, out of the way. We kind of laughed and continued on across the street and then, turning left a car stopped about a foot from hitting me... once again, Andrea had jumped back, but I had not. It was clearly our turn to walk, but I guess cars don't often pay attention. Jesus was walking with me that night... and always. Andrea said she was ready to "assess the situation" if I had been hit and that she would have moved me to a safe place. I like Andrea, I feel safe with her.

On a side note, I am sick. Sick and dying. I love Andrea, but she got me sick. I slept for 13-some hours last night... it was amazing, but I'm ready to sleep some more. I met with Adrienne for lunch today.. I like her a lot, I could deffinately see her and I becoming very good friends. at 2:30, I'm meeting Joanna for coffee... I may just have tea though. I find that though "Physical Touch" is my Love Language, "Quality Time" is right up there as well. I love to snugle, but I also loving hanging out one-on-one with people.

Its almost my birthday, I'm pretty excited about that... the big 2-0. Just think, almost a year from now I will be able to drink. Too bad I don't really want to do that... If I really did want to drink, what would stop me from drinking now? hmm.. not much. Whelp, then when I turn 21 it doesn't look like my life will be drastically changing... Good. Good to know.

I wish I wasn't feeling weak and sick. I walked across the street earlier and got out of breath. That's no way to live. Adrienne wants me to go see the play "The Silent Woman" with her tonight. I would like to go, but right now I do not feel much like going and trying to be present in mind. I'm rather out of it. After hanging out with Joanna, I can sleep for the rest of the day. Except that I have homework due tomorrow. That's unfortunate.

Lots of my friends are getting married. I feel as though many of my friends are either in serious relationships or engaged (which in itself is pretty serious.) I don't have many friends in casual relationships. Last night Hope, Andrea and I went to dinner at Denny's. I had Chicken-fried Steak with mashed potates. Hope talked of wanting a boy friend. I don't want one. I mean, I'm a girl and I'm a hopeless romantic girl, so obviously I would like one. But I don't know anyone I would want to, or even consider actually dating. I just don't have time for a boy. And thats okay with me. I went through my hooker days and experienced enough boy junk that I'm cool about not needing one right now... or even for a long time yet. I've onlymet one boy I would even remotely consider dating on a serious note... and he did not feel the same, which is fine.

I really wish I felt better. I feel nasty. Okay, I'm going to go meet Joanna and then maybe I'll be able to sleep a little bit later....

Freedom

2005-02-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

Lacking stress, responsibilty, and obligation.

Choices.

Options.

Free of things that 'tie you down,'

Ability to soar, to run, to fly.

Trees stretching toward the sky.

Choosing for ones self,

No reason to 'stay,'

Free from Bondage.

Bending the rules,

Hands free, reaching,

Reaching.

No chains that bind,

"You decide,

The choice is yours"

To leave behind what is comfortable,

heading strong into the unknown.

Merging ahead,

With no oppression,

Not held backing.

Going, going, going,

To be relaxed,

To sleep.

Emotionally moving,

Free of stress,

Shrugging off responsibility.

Letting loose,

Cutting loose,

Breaking loose.

Vunerable,

Exposed,

Alone.

To be completely sure,

Completely relieved,

To be free of heaviness,

Free of weight.

No longer suffocating,

No longer dying.

To live,

To breathe.

The Cru

2005-02-25T11:47:00.000-08:00

This is Campus Crusade for Christ!

Here we are, all gathered around at the bowling alley. Many of the people I love very much, in all the world, are in this picture! We've got Matthew, Andrea, Monique, Hope... gosh the list could actually go on forever and you would probably be really bored by a list of names...I am also in this picture! Can you find me?

I'll give you a hint... I'm in the back and I'm going CrAzY!!

Being drunk!

2005-02-24T01:18:00.000-08:00

I am currently drunk on the Holy Spirit. Have you noticed that when being drunk comes up in the Bible, it also comes up with the Holy Spirit... like: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead be filled with the Spirit." ~ Eph. 5:18. So when Christians get together... or when you're working for the Lord you become Spirit filled.. with such huge joy it overwhelms you and you want to dance and sing and be happy for always and sing and shout.. no doubt you know the feeling.. you just want to praise God for all things everywhere... Also known as: Overdose of the Holy Ghost. And perhaps another reason alcoholic beverages are called 'spirits.' Just kind of a thought I decided I'd share. :) Personally, I love this feeling... especially knowing that in the morning I won't wake up with a headache.. or in a different place then I recall last being. Its on the verge of hyper, you know.. but there's total peace and happiness, only from Jesus... Oh yay yay! I love loving the Lord and praising Jesus. Such good good times... Oh yay! hehehe! Yay!! Yay!!! heheeee!

(like I said, drunk.)

Grace like rain

2005-02-21T23:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Andrea and I got "kidnapped" by some of the girls from Campus Crusade for Christ. They took us, blindfolded us and drove us out to the Sparks Marina, where it poured rain down on us. I had never been there before and even now I could not tell you where is was, as I had been blindfolded. Unfortuantely, neither of us had cameras.. but Andrea did have the camera on her phone! So, there we are, bundled up with cups of hot chocolate under umbrellas! Aren't we just precious!?

Jesus showed up

2005-02-20T21:18:00.000-08:00

When God says, "Seek and I will be found by you." He's not playing around. This weekend has been amazing, regardless of circumstance that have attempted to dampen my mood. I used to be the type who might conform to the emotions of others. Now, I just won't put up with it and thank heaven. Goodness knows I have enough junk of my own to deal with on a daily baises that I don't need someone elses baggage. Sorry, friends, no offense. But my weekend has been totally Spirit filled. It's a good thing. On Friday night, Andrea and I hooked up with some girls from Cru and went to "Grace" then fellowshiped afterward until the early morning hours. Then on Saturday morning we all met up again and had a cool Bible study.. just asking tough questions and getting answers from the Word. Good times! Afterward, we fellowshipped some more and I got to know some of the girls I didn't know well yet. Then I came back, had a nap and later in the evening, Andrea and I went to "Crosswinds" Their worship was very cool. And we fellowshipped again last night! This morning, Matthew and I went to church... we go to a Pentacostal church of God... basically, its not anything like the Presbyterian church and I enjoy it. They believe in Spiritual gifts.. and the Spirit always shows up... today was amazing, ask me, if you want to know details. :-) Then after a nap and some Andrea-Stephanie time, we went to "Jacob's Well." Where there was also some awesome worship. I LOVE it when Jesus shows up... and He's been showing up a lot. It's been some very good times.

"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. nd if we know that He hears us -- whatever we ask -- we know that we have what we asked of Him." ~ 1 John 5:13-15 (NIV)

2005-02-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

My Grandmother died this afternoon. From what I know she was not a Christian and never celebrated anything religious.

Some of my readers know she had been really sick and at the beginning of February was put into the hospital. After a heart attack and stroke, she was moved into hospice care( hospice is where they put someone who won't live much longer.) My Mom was up there with her through most of it. On Valentine's day we thought she'd have only a short while more... but she was a strong willed woman and did not want to go yet, though everything seemed to fight against her. This afternoon she opened her eyes and smiled weakly at my mom and uncle, her only children, took a few more breaths and passed on.

Kathleen L. Crislip was survived by her eder son Jim, his wife Michele and her two grandchildren Dan and Libby as well as her younger daughter Linda, her husband Steve and their daughter Stephanie. She was best known by her grandchildren as being able to crochet the most beautiful clothes, toys and objects. She always let her grandchildren jump on the couches and bed. She never got the chance to attend her grandchildren's weddings or meet her great-grand children.

But regardless, today she met Jesus.

Night Lights

2005-02-16T02:34:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to sleep lately. I feel tired and I go to bed but instead of falling asleep fast, as I usually do, I lay there and toss about. Last night was by far the worst yet... hot, cold, hot, cold, a noise in the hall way, cold, hot, start to relax and a phone rings.. and thus it continues all night. Tonight I will not even try to sleep yet, which worked out well because I procrastinated on a paper due tomorrow and only finished it about 45 minutes ago or so. I was oddly awake for the entire thing. I can not figure how but perhaps my internal clock is off.

In any case, all that is a different story. Because I have been sitting up in the dark, trying to keep my light to a minimum as Andrea is asleep a few feet away. I found myself contemplating what "light" is and what "dark" is. I know for a fact that I took a mental vaction when Mr. Gay (that really was his name, poor man), my 7th grade science teacher discussed light and dark and the whole color spectrum to us. Perhaps that would be useful in this particular post but I'm not much in the mood for any more research tonight, so you must excuse me. All I do recall, and please correct me if I'm mistaken, but dark is only an absense of light. When you turn off the lights there are still things around you even if you can not see them. Just because I can not see to the far corner of my room at the moment does not mean it is not there, there is just an absense of light in that area of the room. I would assume, and I could be very off, that light is the same way.. simply an absense of darkness. Only when a light is turned on you can see everything clearly. Probably a good reason I prefer driving in the day to driving at night, not to mention I don't like reflections on headlights in my rearview mirror.

Long story short I was realing that light is stronger than darkness. When light is present darkness flees. Light can dwell in darkness but darkness can not dwell in light. Darkness can dwell around light but ot in it. A rather simple thing to notice, but deffinately something I believe is worthy to notice. Come to think of it, Jesus states it perfectly in Matthew 5 when He says, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl, instead they put it on a stand and it gives light to everyone..." etc, etc... Actually, if you ever decide to do a Bible-word search on the word "light" you'll learn and find a lot of things. Things such as, "The light [meaning the light of God] shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it and the darkness has not overcome it" from John 1:5.

Christians are called to be lights in a world of darkness. I recall a strange memory from not too long ago in which I was sitting on a bench over looking a place which could have been a city although the lights were spread out. The tiny dots of light moved about from place to place bringing light to spots around it. Some of the little dot flickered and some stayed constantly bright. Some moved about as if avoiding something while others moved into the darkness and made more little dots of light and some of the dots stuck together, flickering. Some of the little dots flickered and dissapeared completely and while a small few shone unusually brighter than the others.

Why is it that moths are drawn to the light? Why is it that people, if lost in the forest are drawn to a camp fire or light on a distant hill? Is it simply a means of survival or a scientific 'fact?' I ponder these things as I sit here in my dimly lit room in the early morning, wishing I could be soundly asleep in my bed. I wonder why light can be in the midst of darkness and darkness can not be in the midst of light. I don't want (or need) facts about the color spectrum or any mathematical equasions that will -- excuse the pun -- shed light, on my curiosity. I know that 'where there is light, darkness can not dwell'... that I know from the Bible, and I don't need a 'fact' to prove to me such things... things like this, I'd rather take by faith.

Proverbs 13:9 says, "The light of the righteous shines brightly...."

Happy Valentine's Day!

2005-02-12T22:10:00.000-08:00

For Valentine's Day, my mom brought Andrea and I little Valentine animals. They're pink and red, as you can see. Now, as my own personal tradition goes, ever since I was a small child I used to name my stuffed animals after something that was going on in my life at the time or something that had recently gone on. Sooo, I insisted to Flan that we just had to name them together after something recent that had occured in our lives. So, I decided to name my griaff/cow (pictured at right) Joshua. And then I decided to name Flan's zebra (left) Phillip. (hehe!) So, I am pleased to introduce you to Joshua and Phillip! Aren't they cute?!

A grand adventure!

2005-02-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

This is us! Barefoot in the snow and mud and rock in the middle of winter! Anyway, that's me, Andrea, Phillip and Joshua! It's been a few days but that 3 mile treck barefoot has left my feet sore... but no wories! I'll live! Plus, I got to feel the textures of the earth beneath my feet.

2005-02-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

Today the Lark did not sing. I don't think it will be singing tomorrow either. All performances are canceled until further notice. Private appearances on request only. Please place reservations in advance. You can call, but no one will be answering as all operators have currently stepped away from their desks. Someone will get back to you eventually. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause. Thank you for your patience and have a nice day.

2005-02-02T01:09:00.000-08:00

God is God! God is living! God is on His throne! And He is crazy!!

The church..

2005-01-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

You can go to church everyday... you can even go twice a day as most people do on Sundays. My thought on Sunday services is fairly simple. I think that if you didn't get what you were supposed to get out of the morning service, you're not going to get it out of the evening. One service should have been enough to get yourself good with God and if it wasn't, you need to go home and get on your knees by yourself. Not that I don't enjoy evening service... usually I prefer them over morning ones, and I find myself more often attending evening services except with the church I belong to here in Reno. I love this church. Its a very different church. Its a Holy Spirit church... They move with the Holy flow. They have a rough outline that they follow, but over all, if the Spirit tells them to do something different, they are faithful and do what God tells them... it's a "Blessed Church" as my Oakhrst friends would say. Very cool things happen... and yes, it's out of my comfort zone having grown up in a very orthodox, organ-playing, white-haired people Presbyterian church.

Anyway, I sat thinking about "church" today. Its so often confused with being a building and not a body of people. The other day the girls in Crusade gather together to just hang out at the leaders house. I was prepared for food and fellowship, talking, ect... but instead we worshiped. Weplayed instruments and sang for hours... That's what a church is. People who gatehr togetehr to worship God. The church is too much about "doing," where as doing should be the biproduct of a relationship with Christ. And in a relationship with Jesus the outcome is fruit. You "do," not because your told to, but because the love from a relationship with Christ over flows from you. Back in the day the church got into too many "do"s and "don't"s and people have forgotten that it's not about us, but about Christ.

For anyone who knows me and has the wrong impression, the church is not what I'm about. Jesus is what I am about.

Someone once said to defend me that I am "not that religious." At the time I didn't know if I should be offended or greatful. Because, it's not about being "religious" its about Jesus. That's all it is about. Jesus is the answer to everything, the beginning and end of everything, and most certainly at the middle of my everything. It does not matter hwo mnay church services you sit in. You can sit in the front row or the back, that's not what its about. It's about loving Jesus, trusting Jesus with your life, and believing that He will rescue you. It's about the relationship. No one can teach you or show you, its something you must personally experience and ask for. Salvation is free, but a relationship is not free. Like a relationship with anyone, it will be hard, the Bible never promises us ease and comfort, but it does promise the opposite... it's not safe, but it's good.

We can sit through church service after church service and we will never get it. I love going to church. I love everything about it.. but if I sit there quietly every Sunday and never react to or apply anything I heard I may as well have slept in and not attended at all. I'm not saying don't go to church. I'm not saying we don't need the church. I'm saying that if you're not getting anything out of church its because you're not doing anything and you may not have a personal relationship with the living God.

I am the King of excuses... it's true. I make up every lame excuse out there and then some for reasons why I just "can't" right now. Jesus says the take up my corss, deny myself and follow Him. It is my responsibility to make sure I have a relationship with Christ and that I am bearing fruitn through Him. Last time, I got too caught up in myself... I wnated people to see what a "good little Christian" I was. But if I'm doing the will of He who sends me I will be noticed and they will see me. We must be willing to give everything to God. It really is time to put Jesus in control -- No more excuses.

We cannot, but Jesus can. With Jesus' help we can do all things. God says, "if you give it to me, I will do it, I will help you." Trust God. Champions take it and rise to the next level... With God all things are possible and he has done away withand buried the "can not"s that we seem to depend on.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Not to us, not to us Oh Lord, but to Your name... It's all about You, Jesus, all this is for You.

English and Dead Animals

2005-01-29T02:00:00.000-08:00

Our English building on campus is old. Most of our school is old, in fact; but the English building has a particularly interesting history. You see, now it is beautiful... with white walls and deep brown wood, a basement full of teachers offices and two floors of class rooms, with a beautiful staircase and huge windows over looking the lake. Its a gorgeous building... very elegant and classy... very much like an English building should look. But it wasn't always an English building. It actually used to be a slaughter house. Yes, you did read that correctly. You see, if ever you passed it and wondered why there was a large ditch/moat around the basement of the building someone might be wise enough to tell you about it being a slaughter house and the ditch actually where blood from animals was caught and ran off into the ground. Lovely, huh?

Tonight, Matthew and I discovered the old building to be unlocked. We're both English writing majors and o trying to see if the front door was open was more of a joke then the reality it soon became. It was warm... we'd been outside on campus a while, so warm was good... really good, as a few minutes prior I thought my feet were going to freeze off, so warm was feeling really nice at that moment. But we found it odd that the warm, still quiet buildingwas unlocked and many of the lights were still on. Matthew looked into an open class room where the light was still on and food sat out on a table. He shurgged and we decided that no one was home... but boys... with boys, that's never enough. "Let's explore! See if anyone's here!" Of course, it'd be worthy to note that it was 1:25 in the morning while all this was taking place.

"Do you think we could get in trouble for trespassing?" I asked-- always the cautious one. "No." he said simply as he continued up the stairs to the second level to see if any of the class rooms were open or lights on. We didn't try any doors, but from the lack of light under the doors nothing looked awake. So, we headed down to the basement where he checked to see if anyone was around their either... Nothing... just silence. "Matthew, can we leave now?" I asked. "What's wrong?" he asked, probably noting a horrified look on my face. "I just keep thinking someone could still be here and we could get in trouble." "Not likely. They would have heard us walking around by now." He had a point.

So, we started toward the side door, to exit the building when we hear a sound... The sound of a computer turning on... A little musical jingle, you know those sounds if you have a fairly new computer, I'm sure. Matthew and I froze and looked at eachother wide eyed. "Oh, someone's here.. let's leave, please!" I said, moving toward the door, "No wait, what if the fire alarm goes off?" "What?!" "Let's go back to the front door." I shook my head at him as that was the direction the computer jingle had come from. But before I could protest, another computer turning-on jingle was heard farther down the hall and Matthew had grabbed my hand and we were moving as quietly and quickly as possible down the hall toward the front door, where once outside we made a mad dash back toward the dorms.

I couldn't tell you why the building was unlocked and seemingly empty, or even why computers were turning on throughout the halls, or why no one was there and lights were on at 1:45, when we ran from it... But the building was creepy at night--

--just take my word on it.

“IF—”

2005-01-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you.
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

-- Rudyard Kipling

2005-01-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

Today, I became an official English Writing major at the U of N.

Hooray!

I still need a minor though... any ideas?

There's a place for us...

2005-01-25T12:39:00.000-08:00

Back in high school, my friend David and I used to sit and have deep talks about life... we'd usually sing together too, but that's another story. David once mentioned that he was scared to leave high school, scared to leave home, scared to leave all our friends, ect... who wasn't? High school was a scary place. But I recall a particular conversation our senior year, on a choir trip... we were sitting outside on the balcony of a hotel one evening watching the sun set and ignoring all the people being loud inside the room... we sang, "There's a place for us" from West Side Story... Then we cried... and I told him that if I had one very best friend wherever I went in life, I would be fine. He agreed as well... and tonight I realized that I truely do have a very best friend here in Reno. Praise Jesus for that... because I will be fine.

A change in my life...

2005-01-24T21:51:00.000-08:00

Its time for me to make a few changes in my life... I realize that originally it was a few "changes" that now cause me to have some changes back...

It was a lot easier to go backwards than to move forwards. But this is what I asked for. When I asked God to show me a particular aspect of his children and their walk He gave it to me in full... I asked and originally I saw it as a blessing, which I still hold it to be. But also, I now see it as another step out of the comfort zone and into faith... everything keeps leading to more trust.

In any case, there are some relationships that now need to be cut off. I am okay with that. In truth, I welcome this cut off... but the step after the initial cut off will be the most trying one.

Where will I go from there?

I don't know, but I do trust God's faithfulness and I have full confidence in Him durring this time of frustration and perhaps even tribulation... who knows? But I am undaunted in this step of my ultimate blessing... for I know that Christ has over come the world... He has deprived it of its power to harm me and has conqured it for me... and I am more than a conqurer through His love and grace.

Its too cold for a Saturday

2005-01-22T17:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my heart broke. I spent the afternoon, reading with Matthew. We took turns reading to eachother from the Bible, Just like Jesus and The Pilgrim's Progress. I enjoy Matthew... he is by far one of my best friends. For my readers who have not yet met him, you are missing out. He is an amazingly passionate young man who is seeking after God's will and deeply longing to live in God's presence. He reminds me of a lot of my favorite people and dear friends... he also reminds me a lot of myself... like I said, I really enjoy Matthew... but he was not the reason my heart broke. He actually was and is one of my bright spots in any day.

The last time I drove my car was last Sunday. We had just gotten back from church and I had parked the car in the garage. Happily, I had scribbled into the dirt on my back window, "Jesus loves you!" with my finger. I went out to my car last night and found, "Jesus ~~loves~~ hates you!" written instead. For a single moment Ifelt the Lord's pain over His children's disobediance and denial.

My heart broke.

Why is it okay for other people to have explicit pictures, vulgar words and offensive sayings scribbled in the dirt on their windows but it's not okay for me to have the truth written into mine?

I realized the harm I have done. I sat allowing things to be said for too long and when it came time to stop them I could not. Again, I sat and listened to harsh and judgemental words be said... listened to the mocking of Jesus... and I sat and allowed it to happen because I was not "man enough" to stand up for the little things before... and when things got bigger I had nothing to say.

2005-01-20T18:40:00.000-08:00

It's kind of like dirty snow...

To look without seeing

2005-01-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder if anyone notices you? I mean, obviously, people notice that someone is sitting next to them in class or they might happen to notice someone standing in line with them... but do people really notice you? In one of my English classes today, my professor immediately claimed to have an excellent memory when it comes to students names... and so she did, all the students went around the class and said their names and then something about themselves... everyone went around once and then she said their names back to the class... it was impressive... only she couldn't ever remember mine. Not only did she not remember mine (three times,) no one in the class remembered... not that this is a huge deal... but it is sad. Am I just not a memorable person? I recently met this guy from my high school... he's a nice guy, sits next to me in Psychology. Before class even started we had talked and seen pictures of eachother... and I knew I had never met him and he thought he'd never met me, but once in class he said, "I think I have seen you before." Maybe I'm just not photogenic... who knows... I don't know why this bothers me... but I often get that unfortunate feeling while sitting in class, "all these people don't care who I am, they don't even want to know and they are all missing out." But honestly, that thought is interchangable... the same could go for every person in my class that I don't talk to... Maybe I just don't really care about who they are, some of them, to be honest frighten me already.. but I get that same feeling of "missing out" when I think of them sitting in the chair next to me as well... I don't know, I wonder how many times during a day to I look at someone but never truely acknowledge them. How often do I miss out on meeting a new best friend? I know I'm a person who blends in. Inside, I know I am not the same and I do not belong in the world, thus I should be one of those people that stick out like a sore thumb.. a misfit, an outcast... I'd rather be a misfit than be someone who dissapears into the background. I'd rather be someone that people think something about instead of always just being a side, or after thought. I've never been one of those people that are the first invited to parties... or the first thought of when people are lonely or bored and need someone to talk to or hang out with. Perhaps I make myself seem unavailable... if that's the case it's not the truth. Once my friend, Matthew claimed that he would have remembered me... but I'm not exceptionally brilliant or celver or outgoing (at least not until I'm comfortable) I'm not one of "those popular people" I never have been and I won't claim to be because frankly I don't want to be one of those. I know that by the world's standards I am plain, I am simple... I'm just another girl in the classroom... But thank God that I know that that is not who I really am.

little-bitty ' i '

2005-01-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

at crusade, all the words on the overhead during worship are in lowercase, even the letter "i." it's an interesting use of grammar and language (leave it to the english major to find something like this 'interesting'). of course the only words still capitalized are words describing the Lord. however, i believe it keeps the focus less on ones self and more on God. i rather like that idea, actually (though it makes typing a bit harder).

on a side note, i am finding more and more that i have been putting myself in the place of God's. for instance, my thoughts lately have been along the lines of, "I can do it alone," or "I don't need god's help right now," or "I will show these people jesus." in a relationship with God, there should be no other capitalized words other than His perfect and powerful name. (psalm says that there is salvation in the name of the Lord). but in a perfect relationship with God, there should only be God alone, not "i" or "me" at all.

i've been reading "the screwtape letters" by c.s. lewis. good book... a very rare point of view and deffinately one to keep in mind. but screwtape talks about getting humans so focused on an item that 'represents' God or a symbol or thought that they forget who they are praying to or worshiping, or whatever the case may be. but his point is that by getting humans to focus on something human made they in turn begin to focus on themselves and not at all on God and who He is. my advice is to getting strongly rooted in the Word of God.

on a random side note, when i was in third of fourth grade we sang this song in children's choir at church and it went a little something like this: "there's a little-bitty 'i' in the middle of 'sin' and the 'i' in the middle is me." basically, i write all of this to you that you might look within yourself to see where your focus lies...and if you have to look far i'm betting it's not where it should be... which, unfortuantely is the "norm".

2005-01-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

While in Fresno we stopped at a gas station and I could not miss this photo-opp! Yes, that would be me, sitting on a bench between two hooker statues... or in so many words, "my new friends." haha. In any case, happy hooking!

2005-01-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

To my readers I offer an appology! I never did mention that I was going out of town, nor my change in plans... How shameful of me. :) Anyway, just to briefly catch you up, Andrea flew down from Reno, almost on a whim, and appeared in Las Vegas a week ago.. so last Sunday. She was trying to cross the pass, but was not able to, and since I was going to, we hooked up and went together! On Monday, we drive to Fresno to hang out anf stay with Kari Maddox and Christy Harrison. We ened up seeing so many other Calvin Crest people though, it was wonderful! On Tuesday we saw Juana, Rachael Rudy and Ben Musson in Dinuba and then when we got back to Kari's house we saw Nadia, Josh Hass and Sarah Damm! On Wednesday we met Phillip and Tammi for lunch, visited with Amanda and then saw Sarah Lowe for dinner. On Thursday Andrea and I drive up to Oakhurst, rented a room in the Days Inn and relaxed. She visited with Phillip up at camp and I got to hang out at a Bible study with Shawna, Keith, Karen, David, Christy, Jonathon and Paul. Originally, Andrea wanted to leave on Friday morning, but I convinced her that staying another day would be oodles of fun... and it was! On Friday, she and I walked around big O-Town, we Geocashed, had lunch, went to the Yarn Barn took a nap in the sunshine at the park and I danced and sang outside of Yosemite Coffee while she sang. Staying the extra day was well worth it.. the sky was bright blue and the sun was warm and breeze was light... I was so crazy happy it was amazing! Flanny and I kept wondering what was wrong with me as I seemed to have a bounce in my step, and a smile simply plastered on my face the entire day. It really was a lovely day... I even got to visit with Keith more which was really happy. The Garrett called me and we had an hour long, very interesting conversation over the phone. But on Saturday morning, we left bright and early... oh wait, the sun wasn't out... so we left dark and early at 7:00 from Oakhurst and drive home. Its always sad driving away from Oakhurst and I am always filled with solmn memories of forcing myself to drive away and not think about the past again.... We got home around noon and headed almost directly to Kathy's baby shower... it was a cute shower and I met the wives of lot of young men I once knew from camp or my home church. Anyway, after church today, Andrea and I will be moving back into our dorm room... I was glad to have such a long break off from school.. but I'm tired of moving and living out of bags and boxes... it will be nice to be back on a schedule again... and in all honesty, I'm really looking forward to my new classes and seeing/meeting a lot of new friends. I'll write again soon.

1 Corinthians 6:3-10 (AMP)

2005-01-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

"3We put no obstruction in anybody's way [we give no offense in anything], so that no fault may be found and [our] ministry blamed and discredited.
4But we commend ourselves in every way as [true] servants of God: through great endurance, in tribulation and suffering, in hardships and privations, in sore straits and calamities,
5In beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless watching, hunger;
6By innocence and purity, knowledge and spiritual insight, longsuffering and patience, kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in unfeigned love;
7By [speaking] the word of truth, in the power of God, with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand [to attack] and for the left hand [to defend];
8Amid honor and dishonor; in defaming and evil report and in praise and good report. [We are branded] as deceivers (impostors), and [yet vindicated as] truthful and honest.
9[We are treated] as unknown and ignored [by the world], and [yet we are] well-known and recognized [by God and His people]; as dying, and yet here we are alive; as chastened by suffering and [yet] not killed;
10As grieved and mourning, yet [we are] always rejoicing; as poor [ourselves, yet] bestowing riches on many; as having nothing, and [yet in reality] possessing all things."

"'but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD , who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth...' declares the LORD." -Jeremiah 9:24 (NIV)

Too much snow?

2005-01-07T23:23:00.000-08:00

So.... there has been a gliche in my vacation schedule. Yes, weather... "Mother Nature" if you will has decided it's best for me to stay in Vegas for the weekend... Doesn't that figure? There was so much sticking snow that my Dad and I made three snow-people. Yes, that's right, three... and we could have kept going but my hands got cold. Some of the snow people were really cool but unfortunately I could not get the pictures to load, so you can only imagine... and you'll have to!

"But what does this mean, Steph Garver?!" You ask... Well, allow me tp give you an update on my life since my post this morning... Updates can be dull, I realize this... But since it is my blog I choose the content of my posts. :-) To begin my updates, I would like to tell all my readers that I am still in Las Vegas, if you didn't catch that earlier in this post. Secondly, I will confirm that I am not currently in California. (Unfortunate, I know.) Thirdly, I do not know what this will do to the rest of my traveling plans, (ie: Fresno, Oakhurst, Calvin Crest, Tahoe, Reno, ect..) But since school starts back up on the 18th, I must be back to Reno by then, some way or another. and I still would really love to visit Kari and Christy this week, and be in Oakhust at least for Thursday and perhaps Tahoe or Reno by Saturday, I'm thinking plans that far in advance won't be any good at this point in time. Basically, since all the passes into California are closed, I'm stuck here until they open again and the weather lets up (haha... yea, I'm beginning to wonder when this "weather" will be past us for good... it just seems like storm after storm in hitting the west coast.. among other places). But at the moment, I'd like to leave Moday to Fresno and at least attempt to stick to some of my original plan... In the mean time, I have more time to spend with my family and that's good enough reason for me to keep sticking around at the moment.

So, who knows where I'll be and when! Stay tuned for more updates from the desk of Steph Garver!

Snow!?!

2005-01-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

It is currently snowing in Las Vegas. Yes, that's right. SNOW! I can hardly believe it... The only problem is that my family and I are supposed to drive to Huntington Beach, CA today. We're going to have a late Christmas with the rest of our twenty-some member family, it will be a good time... if we get there. We also have to cross two passes, that may very well also be covered in snow or rain. I did go get snow chains yesterday, so that's good... but I'm no so eager aout getting out of my van in the snow and putting them on... oh well, that's all part of the adventure, right? :) We should be leaving within the next half hour or so, and after Huntington Beach, my parents will return to Las Vegas and their lives without me and I will head North to Fresno, to visit my friend Kari Maddox... and anyone else in Fresno! Including Christy Harrison.. Yay! I'll also make a trip up to Calvin Crest to visit Tammi... and since I'm heading through Oakhurst, you can only imagine the excitement! hehe! Then, depending on the weather I'll either go through Donor Pass to Tahoe or go back down to Bakersfield and around to Carson... but we'll see... anyway, I'll have my cell phone with me and I encourage all of you, especially if you're from Fresno, to give me a call... or pray that my trip goes smoothly... You know, something else magical happened outside of the snow... This morning outside my door was a present from my Daddy.. and I opened it and it was a T-shirt that said, "My Dad can fix anything" Then it quotes Ephesians 2:1 and has a cross.. it's very sweet... I love my Daddy! Did I mention it's currently SNOWING in Vegas?!

2005-01-03T01:13:00.000-08:00

In response to my previous post Anonymous writes: "What do you think of the question: Why has God killed so many thousands of people in this tragedy?" So, you asked what I thought and I give you my response.

God does not kill people. He has a plan that is bigger than anything we can see or imagine. "Bad" things have been happening and will continue to happen because this world is fallen from sin. There is suffering and pain and death because of sin. Man is born into sin. Blessings and growth come from every tradgedy. I heard a pastor once tell a wonderful story about how his father used to get a truck full of manure and spread it all over the yard. The neighbors would look at that yard and think, "Look at that disaster! They've messed up their yard." But in a few weeks grass greener than any other yard on the street would shoot up through that mess. Wonderful things come out of junk and hurt and suffering and death. Things of importance, miracles, tradgedies, ect. are always occuring. God is always doing big things... Its part of life that people are born and that people die. Its unstoppable and its only a matter of time until everyone comes to this "fate." Death for me however, is only the beginning of life... Anonymous, you may see things differently, but your perspective will be based on where you currently are spiritually. On the news this is called a "natural disaster." But people die of "natural causes" everyday. Yes, this "natural cause" may have killed more people... but look at the lives that were spared. I am aquainted with death, for those that do not know, as I have had 4 dear friends die in the past few years as well as family members die in my life time. I do not pretend to take death for others lightly, but for myself I know that I live only because God wills me to live and when I die it will be a blessing that maybe no one else will understand, thus I believe that the will of the Father will always be greater than our own, no matter who you are, where you come from, or what you believe... but I eagerly await the miracles, blessings and the life that does come from this. For some questions, no matter what response I give to you, people may never understand. But I stand firm in my convictions and in my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Where is God?

2005-01-02T23:32:00.000-08:00

Today in church my pastor posed a slightly odd question: "Where is God while people are dying from a tsunami?" he asked.

To begin with, I was slightly disturbed that this question was asked at all in a church. "Where is God?" Matthew 1:23 states, “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” –which means, “God with us.” ( Also see Isaiah 7:14). I actually want you to pay close attention to God being with us.

The tsunami itself was not evil. It is a terrible devistation to land and families and people, but already I hear of miracles occuring in that area of the world. And I have yet to sit and the TV watching new and ponder where God is during all of that suffering. I know and understand that God is ever present, or omnipotent. (I can't explain how it works, but I know that it does.) And I know that when there is hurt and pain God is close and moving in hearts in a way He can not when we are too proud. Sometimes we have to break in order to see the truth.

"But Stephanie," You say, " What about those people who weren't Christian? Was God punishing them?" In response, I tell you no. God was not punishing people... even scientifically, things like this have been happening since the beginning of the earth. Mountains are formed by earth quakes, ect. As for those people who were not Christian I have to tell ask you this: Who was killed on those beaches? Children, teen agers, adults, elderly people, rich, poor, middle class, locals, vactioners, students, teachers, Muslims, Budists, Catholics and Christians (that includes Christian missionaries). It did not matter who you were. The only thing that mattered in that moment was how far away you were from the beaches.

I do not watch the news and wonder where God is. Because I know where He is. But I do wait in eager anticipation to learn about miracles that occured and continue to happen because of this. Someone told me that no good would come of this. I see so many miracles. People, around the world, rallying together with money and food and medicine and clothes. I think that is reason to celebrate in itself: The world came together... and still comes. People have a habit of not seeing the good in things and only noticing the bad which cause them to ask questions and ponder where God is while people suffer. Pain and suffering will always lead to a higher purpose.

"Where is God?" my pastor asked and one little blond girl near me whispered, "He's with those people." Yes, that's right, He's with those people and He is with us.

Teetering on the Edge

2005-01-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling of having to make a decision.... and either way you look at it, both decisions seem like they could be good or bad ones? I feel that way on occasion. I am forced to pray and pray and sometimes don't recieve a very clear answer. In some areas of life, I consider that a reason to continue praying and seeking answers but in other areas of life I feel that during this time of life, it is a moment to take a risk and step out in faith.

Its that hesitating, wondering... should you or shouldn't you... teetering at the edge of a pool trying to decide whether to dive in or not... You've weighed the pros and cons numerous times still praying about what to do next. I'm here to tell my readers to take that first step of faith.

There's really no reason to fear the future, God will be with you and will walk with you every step of the way, even when you stray off the path or make a wrong decision. All mistakes will serve a higher purpose. Psalm 118:6 says, "The Lord is on my side; I wll not fear: What can man do to me?" You knwo that old saying, "You can't steer a parked car."

So, when you face your next decision... ask God to guide you before you decide, make a decision and see where God takes you.

Things to be Thankful over.

2004-12-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

For Christmas, one of the kids from my church gave me a book entitled, "101 Ways to Enjoy God." It's a fairly simple book... a quick read, really... and though I find the basics of Christianity on the "simple" side. I also recognize that God is often found in those simplistic details. So I figured, 'what the hey!' The first chapter, which is really just a quarter of a page is titled, "#1 Cultivating a Thankful Heart."

Basically it states that we tend to focus more on what we want and what we don't have that we tend to miss the blessings God is bestowing on us... which is true. It then gives the verse from Psalm 35:28, "I will tell everyone on Your justice and goodness and I will praise You all day long." and finally it suggests that its readers make a list of 25 things they are thankful for. So, I once again figured 'what the hey!' but decided it complicate it for myself a bit.

Instead of being thankful for things that will pass away (although, in truth, all things pass away) like being thankful for a brand new pair of shoes that were on sale at the mall and oh-my-gosh a matching purse... I wanted to list things that were ruely God-given gifts... not that everything in our life isn't a God-given gift in some form... but I trust you'll catch on.

I am Thankful.....

1. For my Mom and Dad... a lot of people don't have them... and I was blessed enough that they've almost been married 25 years and are still going strong. Not to mention that I can't remember a single time they were not supportive in every way possible.

2. I have a house. In esence, I have two houses. I have my parents house and I have a dorm room in Reno. There are people living on the streets and I have a home wherever I go.

3. I am healthy. I have the occasional cold and allergies, but I am healthy. I am physically able to do anything I put my mind to, I have no disabilities that can not be corrected quickly.

4. Jesus is faithfully involved in my life, even when I don't realize it... and most importantly, even when I am not faithful to Him.

5. I have clothes. They're not the most stylish or popular (which is my personal choice) but I have enough clothes to last about a month... there are people that have only the clothes they're wearing, or less.

6. I have fresh running water within 5-20 feet of me at any given moment in my house. I don't even need to mention that I have the option of hot or cold running water... nor that I have the option to drink it or bathe.

7. Jesus is always answering my prayers, even when I'm not voicing them because He knows the desires of my heart that I don't even know.

8. I have never had to worry about money. I have change in my draws and money in the bank more than some people will have in an entire life time.

9. I have a queen sized bed all to myself... I also have my own bathroom... some people sleep on the cement and have never seen a bathroom.

10. I have more friends than I will ever know or be able to count.

11. I have a pair of shoes. Shoot, I have 8 or 9 pairs of shoes... there are people who have none.

12. My house has heat and air conditioning.

13. I have a car. My family owns three and I was blessed enough to have a car before I could even drive it alone.

14. I have more than one Bible. I think I have like 10 different Bible translations and yet there are people in the world who are killed if they have even a page of the Bible in their possession.

15. I do not have to work. The only jobs I had is because I have choosen to have them, for "extra" spending money.

16. I have an education. I have a continuing education and I am able to go to college even though I am a girl and I have a scholarship to school.

17. I can freely worship God anywhere and anytime I choose and in any form that I like. People around the world are continuing to be martyred for their faith in Jesus. I am never in danger when I enter a church or carry a Bible.

18. I never have to worry about food. If I wanted to, I could eat three solid meals a day and snack in between everyday. I can also eat out at restraunts.

19. I can read nd write. Many people can't do either.

20. I have excess of every single thing in my possession from books to soap to food and money.

21. I am able to travel alone and I can freely travel anywhere I choose to go (money and passport taken into account, but the point is I have the option.)

22. I have a computer and a cellular telephone and a television with hundreds of chanels.

23. I have had more opportunities and wasted them in almost 20 years than many people will ever get the chance to make a decision on in their entire life time.

24. I have experienced pain. Yes, I am thankful for that because I have grown more after pain than I have at any other point in my life.

25. I know what it feels like to be loved everyday of my life.

Past the alter and into the reception

2004-12-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

I saw people tonight I had not seen in 2-6 years. It was like a high school reunion full of people I never talked to while I was in school. It were those popular kids that ignored me in classes but tonight waved at me from across the room or gave me that same empty smile they'd always had ready in place when they saw my face. It was the same meaningless chatter they made when there was really nothing to be said at all. "What are you doing? Oh, how is that?..." and then awkward silence until I was bored enough of nodding politely and staring down at my shoes to excuse myself, or was bold enough to end everything right there before it did indeed turn awkward. It was that dull kind of conversation that one dreads at social gatherings. In so many words, "small talk." Yes, that void emptiness that most people fail misserably at and won't recall five minutes later save for that lingering awareness of uncomfortable aire. Most likely the same questions asked and same statements made to everyone in the room when the conversation began to nose-dive into a crash ending.

"How are your parents?" One asked guy, who I'm quite sure never actually met my parents in the 6 years we were in school together.

"You look great!" was the only thing one girl stated before turning away to other people.

Most of them people I had adored or admired in high school... then a few years ago, people I never wanted to see again. Ever. For me, only a few of the friendships from high school, were worth holding onto. Sarah and David, for instance; the only two people that I am regularly in contact with from my days of younger youth. I have nothing in common with these other people anymore. Choir held us together in school, but now that choir is far from being the master of my life, only memories are our future relationship. Most of them couldn't even make or hold eye contact. Honestly, could they ever? But by far my worst moment of the wedding reception, other than the fact that the bride and groom are not old enough to rent a car was when a sly comment was made about how something was "so Steph Garver." Perhaps they have not changed, but I for sure have. Tonight was deffinately one of those experiences mentioned in my previous post. And if nothing else, I learned one thing: I will not be attending any high school reunions.

2004-12-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have had nothing to write. I feel like I have had nothing to say. You can not write or say anything unless you first experience. But you have to live to experience. You have to notice and be open to beauty and honesty and hurt. One can not live without trusting. At some point in a relationship you must make a choice. You must decide to open your heart with complete trust (which also opens you to the possibility of pain and hurt and doubt) or close off the friendship all but petty exchange. I have not been living. I do not experience every moment of everyday as I would like to. I let my dreams slip away into wonder with no action at all. Perhaps distance brings a lack of care. Lack of care doesn't place themselves in a position of hurt. If one does not get close, open their heart and live, they will be content. Content. But what are the contents of a content life? Lonliness... yes. Lonliness. But wonder. Always wonder. Wonder of what could have been if a different decision would have been made. Suppose when I was fourteen I had taken that modeling/acting job. Where would I be? Suppose I had not done CommonFire and had gone straight to college. In all honesty, should either of these options occured rather than how things did turn out, I imagine myself drunk somewhere. Drunk, perhaps knocked up and no doubt skiny as heck from eating nothing but tofu and celery since the age of fourteen. Oh, but there's still the wonder. And there's still a thankful prayer on my lips that God blessed me with a hearty appitite and a desire not to drink or pop out children. Cautious is not the word for it... but I do believe blessed is. There's still wishes for the future, wishes as simple as a seeing a professional ballet or opera, a long trip to Ireland or riding a horse on the beach. I can not stop myself from wondering what could have been or mentally attempting to erase pieces of my past, or create the future in my mind. Sometimes I do not pray because I do not wish to hear the answer. Usually I hate hearing, "no." But on occasion I also hate hearing, "yes." Oh, I wonder what God would say and I ask but I rush through in an attempt not to hear Him answering. Because instruction requires an action. And I am afraid to live.

To: My Little Flan

2004-12-24T01:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Flanny,
I miss you. It's kind of lonely living in a room all by myself now... in fact, having moved back home for a month, I really ever hang out in my room unless I'm going to sleep or playing on the computer. I've been hanging out with as many of my youth one-on-one as planned, and boy do I have stroes for you about how crazy my church is. Tammi was only in town for about 2 days before she left and so I find myself generally bored... and its usually not until about 6 or 7 that people start calling me to ask if I want to do something with them. Maybe the reason I'm a night person is because all my friends here are! Flanny, you'll be glad to know that I've been eating a lot... Perhaps I don't need you to tell me when its time to eat, but I guess I need a mom. :) I've actually been cooking for my parents more than they have for me... its true, I don't usually like to cook, but after living at camp (even though I didn't work in the kitchen) I have a confidence with cooking that Inever had before.... but I'm leaving baking alone... I leave that to you and I hope you've baked lots of bread! Oh, and I only messed up one thing in the kitchen so far! Its was my latest dinner! Oh yes, I made stackie-ups (Thanks to Julie Oldroyd for the Receipe!) I had almost everything made and it was down to those last few minutes and then I pulled a Proverbs 31 crazy woman... Yea, its true. (and all the girls in Bible study laughed when they read it, and now I've lived it.) No, I didn't mix up the sugar and salt but when I was seasoning the chicken I was pouring seasoning like a mad woman because needed to go attend to my rice and I grab the red pepper and went to shake out a bit and nearly the entire shaker ended up on my chicken... as you know, my family and I love spicy stuff... but I was pretty sure this was going over board. So, as quick as I could, I rushed to the sink and rinsed it all off... you would be proud to know I saved the chicken... and that both parents were impressed with their first stackie-upie experience. (haha.. if Bink ever read that, I'm pretty sure he'd regret offering me a job in the Calvin Crest kitchen.) hey, everyone who has heard our semester CD wants copies of it.. too bad, I don't burn CDs... I had the privialge of driving some of the youth around for a preogressive dinner and I had a good laugh when they expressed a greater appriciation for the Devil is a Liar song than any other... after they heard that one, it remained on repeat the entire night... and whenever we stopped at lights (which happened a lot) it was full blast and my car was full of a bunch of little white girls in church clothes bouncing around to rap... I'lla dmit, it was a very memorable night. Hey, you know how I have a complete memory block on some people and events and things? I'm starting to think it's not just with certain people but with a lot of things... I know Juana has the best memory ever but she remembers detail I don't even recall when she'd telling me about it. I don't remember so much from Common Fire, its crazy! Although there is stuff I wish I did not remember and do... such is life! Last night I heard an interesting message on marriage at my parents church... its so nice sitting in church between both of my praents and praising Jesus. Hey, has it snowed since I've been gone!? Well, I guess that's it for now, as I said I love you and miss you Flan! Be good and we need to talk soon!
With Love in Christ,
Stephanie
PS. By the looks of things, you have deffinately spiked way WAY up on the charts as far as our "friendly competition/research project" is going... In fact I'd even venture to say you won all thogether and close the charts but then it'd be just my luck and there'd be some kind of activity from my end..... I wonder how our plants are doing?

Animal Farm

2004-12-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

2004-12-18T01:35:00.000-08:00

2004-12-16T23:44:00.000-08:00

2004-12-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

Life can change in a single moment...

2004-12-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

A Virus!

The Color Red

2004-12-12T15:43:00.000-08:00

"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." - Isaiah 1:18

"Much of the Old Testament -- and alot of the New, in fact -- is stained in red. This is not good news for our trendy mauve gospel. No color will stop people in their tracks faster than red. Real red. Blood red. No one bleeds rose. They bleed red, like Jesus did because of our sin.

"Red is an arresting color, especailly on someone else. When we see blood on ourselves, we automatically go into a state of shock which cushions our reactions, but on someone else, we are often repulsed by what we see. I have a recurring fear when I'm driving the freeways that sooner or later I will be the first on a scene of a serious traffic accident. I imagine someone pinned under a car while hundreds of gawking motorists pass on by, and I struggle hypothetically with whether I would care enough to stop and help. I imagine someone's life flowing out on the streets and wonder what I would do. I almost think I would rather be the victim of a terrible car accident -- rather have it be my own blood -- than to be whole and healthy and witness such an ugly scene.

"What was it like, I wonder, to se Christ bleed -- to watch the thick red life flow out of Him and turn dark as it slowly seeps into the brown dirt around the cross -- to want to put it back, and not be able to do anything about it?" - John Fischer's, On a Hill Too Far Away

I love the mountains...

2004-12-08T21:12:00.000-08:00

I think I need to get back into the mountains.

The other day Javier said to me after a choir concert, "Wow, you're wearing a dress... and your hair is curled and you have on makeup! I would never know you lived in the forest last year!" That comment made me sad.
Yesterday I was told that I was girly and delicate.
Today I had two showers... That's right. Two showers in one day.... I miss those days when one shower a week was still too many.

I hope I'm not sick or anything...!

because YOU first

2004-12-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the world doesn't understand love? They don't understand grace. (I really need to write about grace, but this post is not about that yet.. sometime, but not today.) How can you stress love to someone who does not know love? You can not know love if you do not have love living in you. And the only way for love to live in you is for Jesus Christ to be living in you. I don't want an answer, I'm not looking for an answer. We don't know anything about love except what God has taught us about it. The only reason we know how to love is because God frst loved us and sent His son to die for us. That is love. To sacrifice and lay down ones life for another is the greatest love one can give or recieve. I can live love because I am anointed by the holy spirit to do His work...I can speak love and show love... but outside of God, it remainds a mystery to me how anyone understands love. 1 John 3:14 says, "Anyone who does not love remains in death." (That's intense.) This is how God showed his love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. How much did God love us! Enough to give us His very precious and perfect son that we might find love and peace in Him. I have taken for granted this love and peace because I've had it since before I can remember.. and these wonderful people who God created perfectly seem to be missing Jesus whispering in thier ear, "I love you, can't you see?" Its through these people who love the world and ignore my Lord that I have found greater love and peace in the arms of Christ.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice to turn aside His wrath, taking away our sins."1 John 4:10

The Pacific

2004-12-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

Here is where I pause to consider:

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18 NIV)

How do you minister to non-believers and not be wit them? (although I think this verse is more directed towards dating and marriage, let's just go with it in this direction for a moment..) In most cases of evangelism, one must form a friend-relationship with the non-believer, not a romantic one. I'm sure you've heard it said, "You have to meet people at their level" so, we will! "what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" Well, we are both loved by Christ. He died for us both. Christ wants them in His kingdom as much as He wants us there. In truth, I (and all other Christians) are no more deserving or special than they are. If all sins are equal, which I believe because the Bible tells us that they are, then all really have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Here's a good place to talk about grace, but we'll save that for another day. Yay!) An example someone once gave me was this... This is our relationship with Jesus, ready?

Imagine, if you will that in order to get to God, all people have to swim across the Pacific ocean because God is in Japan waiting for us. (Of course, God does not live in Japan, please don't be confused) So, we all swim out into the ocean... I could maybe make it a few miles... Other people might make it ten... Those professionally people might make it 100 or so, but no one could swim across the Pacific from California to Japan. Agreed? Okay. So, God looked across the water and saw all his people still thousands of miles away and starting to drown. Well, He had compassion on those people and sent his son out in a huge ship to pick everyone in the water up who believed in Him and loved Him. No one could make it alone, so Jesus died to become our bridge to God.

Isn't grace a wonderful thing?

My heart goes out to those drowning and sinking. Jesus wants them. The Lord loves them. I recently have a new group of friends...They are not Christian, but I totally see God around them... Not in them, but around them.. Its like I can hear Jesus saying, "I love you!" right in their ears, and they're ignorant to it.. But I totally love these people now... Because I see that God loves them.. And things that they think are bad, I see as blessings from God. God is working in them even when they don't want Him to or don't think that He is. As Christians, we are the light of the world. If we live that way, we will not be swallowed up by the darkness of the water. Instead we will ride the waves on a giant ship bound for eternal life and glory.

Yes, we must remain Christian in a non-Christian world. We must uphold and persevere in Christ. It is easier to be a light to light than a light to darkness. But Christ loves them and so must we by showing them His grace and mercy and love in our actions, not just speech. It would be easier to blend and fit in and not notice sin (not not noticing is the same as being immune and complacent and accepting of it) but the easy way is most often not the right way.

Thanks, Juana!

2004-12-03T18:21:00.000-08:00

Granted, this is a not a list I want to have completed someday, it was kind of fun to pick out thing I'd done! Maybe, I'll write up a Stephanie's life goal list... oooh, exciting! Have fun, friends!

001. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
002. Swam with wild dolphins
003. Climbed a mountain
004. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
005. Been inside the Great Pyramid
006. Held a tarantula
007. Taken a candlelit bath
008. Said 'I love you' and meant it
009. Hugged a tree
011. Bungee jumped
012. Visited Paris
013. Watched a lightning storm at sea
014. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
015. Seen the Northern Lights
016. Gone to a huge sports game
017. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
018. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
019. Touched an iceberg
020. Slept under the stars
021. Changed a baby's diaper
022. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
023. Watched a meteor shower
024. Gotten drunk on champagne
025. Given more than you can afford to charity
026. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
027. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
028. Had a food fight
029. Bet on a winning horse
030. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
031. Asked out a stranger
032. Had a snowball fight
033. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
034. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
035. Held a lamb
036. Enacted a favorite fantasy
037. Taken a midnight skinny dip
038. Taken an ice cold bath
039. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
040. Seen a total eclipse
041. Ridden a roller coaster
042. Hit a home run0
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
044. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
045. Adopted an accent for an entire day
046. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
047. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
048. Had two hard drives for your computer
049. Visited all 50 states
050. Loved your job for all accounts
051. Taken care of someone who was drunk
052. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
053. Had amazing friends
054. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
055. Watched wild whales
056. Stolen a sign
057. Backpacked in Europe
058. Taken a road-trip
059. Been rock climbing
060. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
061. Midnight walk on the beach
062. Sky diving
063. Visited Ireland
064. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
065. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
066. Visited Japan
067. Benchpressed your own weight
068. Milked a cow
069. Alphabetized your records
070. Pretended to be a superhero
071. Sung karaoke
072. Lounged around in bed all day
073. Posed nude in front of strangers
074. Scuba diving
076. Kissed in the rain
077. Played in the mud
078. Played in the rain
079. Gone to a drive-in theater
080. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
081. Visited the Great Wall of China
082. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
083. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
084. Started a business
085. Fallen in *like* and not had your heart broken
086. Toured ancient sites
087. Taken a martial arts class
088. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
089. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
090. Gotten married
091. Been in a movie
092. Crashed a party
093. Loved someone you shouldn't have
094. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
095. Gotten divorced
097. Gone without food for 5 days
098. Made cookies from scratch
099. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. Lived in a dorm
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
142a. Had a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Been to Calvin Crest Conferences
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via e-mail/live journal/blog
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

Superman

2004-12-02T17:23:00.000-08:00

He smiled at me over a plate full of ribs. “I ate thirty-seven!” he cried raising his arms in triumph, as barbeque sauce smeared his face and clothing. I just stared blankly down at my two nibbled ribs and then across the table at the fifteen-year-old I had just met named Ryan. He claimed to be a sophomore in college. He was funny and our table had laughed the whole evening. He was loud; he commanded authority and respect, but most of all, he was smiling at me in a way no one had smiled before.
~.~
It was a Sunday, a few days after camp had ended and I was relaxing and watching television with my mom. The phone rang and I will never forget the conversation. It was Brittany, a girl I had met at camp just a few weeks before and she also lived in Las Vegas. It’s one of those moments frozen in history that I could never forget where I was and what I was doing. “Stephanie, Ryan was in a car accident and he’s in the hospital.” I didn’t ask questions, I didn’t wonder, I just knew he’d be fine, so I took my mom down to the hospital and we waited.
~.~
I looked up from a conversation on the back deck, over looking the lake and there he was, taller than the year before. I smiled and jumped up to greet him. Ryan returned my smile and we hugged, a moment later he exclaimed, “You look prettier every time I see you!” He loved me with all his heart. I knew he did, and I knew he told people that he was going to marry me someday, but I never took him seriously. But he didn’t care that I ignored his affections; he was never one to give up and everything he set out to achieve was his in the end. Ryan’s mom recently told me that he had said, “Stephanie isn't like other girls, she’s not the type of girl one dates, but the kind of girl that you keep on the back burner as a friend and then marry someday.” Never had more true words been spoken of me at that time of my life.

Ryan and I saw each other about once or twice a year and only for short weekends or a week at a time. We once spent a day together at the beach when I was in southern California visiting family, and another time he had eaten Thanksgiving dinner with my family. On one occasion, his parents took me out to lunch. But since we had met at camp we always saw each other there for a week or two out of the year. Mainly, our relationship was as long-distant friends with long phone conversations. Ryan and I talked at least once a week, having long philosophical discussions and talks about God and nature. We had a lot of laughs night swimming and getting lost, both in the city and in the forest.

He was one of the strongest people I knew, both mentally and physically. Ryan wore a size seventeen shoe and was 6’4”. He came from an acting family and when he would say he was “in the movie business,” you believed him simply because of his demanding presence. He was outgoing; he was the life of the party and when he entered a room, everyone knew it. Ryan could be friends with anyone, and he usually was, he never met a stranger.
~.~
When visiting time at the hospital began we asked if we could see him, but it was a trauma center where no one was allowed unless they were over 18 or immediate family. We didn't even know what had happened. A car accident, that was all. I was just seventeen, so I sat in the waiting room with my mom and a few friends, shivering. Isn't it funny how when you’re scared and nervous, even if you're in the warmest place on earth, you're still ice cold? A minute later, Ryan's mom, Peggy, rushed out. I'd met her only two weeks before when his parents had taken Ryan and me out to lunch. That lunch was the last time his parents ever saw him alive and I will always be in their last memory of him. Peggy walked straight up to the security guard and stated, "She is coming in with me. Ryan would want her there." Before the security guard could answer, she took my hand and led me back to the small ICU room where Ryan lay.
~.~
We had spent the last three weeks before the car accident at summer camp together. There was a lot of Ryan, both physically and with his charismatic personality and he was sometimes hard to handle. I can’t lie by saying our last three weeks were perfect, and that we were the best of friends, because they had been quite the opposite. I'm normally a patient person, but he tried my patience on a number of occasions and I know I tried his. I was with him for over three week and especially there in the last week I blew him off on a number of occasions and for what? A shower, a nap or someone else. I regret that most of all. But how can you know it will be the last time you see that person, talk to that person or hear them laugh or see them smile? We can never know such things and I will live the rest of my life wishing I could have treated him like he deserved to be treated; but also I will live thanking God for the time He blessed me with Ryan. It was a lesson to always treat others with sincere kindness and respect
~.~
I hadn't wanted to see him lying still in a hospital bed, I wanted to remember him as he was, as Superman, but at the same time, I never would have forgiven myself if I hadn't gone in to see him. It was hard to tell if it was really him. Yes, it was a big guy, but most of his head was wrapped up in a white bandage. "He's in a coma, but the doctor says that he can still hear you. Talk to him let him hear your voice," His mother, Peggy, told me. I bit my lip as tears formed in my eyes. What do you say in a situation like that? "Hey, Ryan," I whispered, choking back on tears. Then his mom said, "Just talk to him." I tried again, "Hey Ryan, it’s me, Stephanie." Tears streamed down my face and through blurry eyes, I took hold of his hand, wishing that if he could really hear me, I’d have something more to say. His hand was warm, almost hot compared to mine which were ice cold. I squeezed the hand of my dear friend saying nothing at all, hoping that if I squeezed hard enough he would squeeze back. In that moment, the entire world around me froze. It was just me standing there with my only friend in a hospital bed. He was squeezing my hand back and I had hope; I knew he’d be fine. But in truth, it wasn’t until I let go of his limp hand that I realized he was never squeezing back at all.
~.~
“I don’t think I’ll ever die,” Ryan turned to me with a smile. “Oh really?” I asked in response. “Yes, for one, I’m too alive to die and for another, I think I’d rather just live forever.” He was satisfied with his response to the possibility of death and all I could do was shake my head. “But if I do die,” he continued, “I’m not going to be one of those angles with white wings and a golden halo, oh no, I’m going to be dirty and wearing a black ‘Ozzie Ozborne’ T-shirt, I’ll be one of those arch angels!” I laughed, “Ryan, I’m pretty sure you’re not going to die anytime soon.” He smiled at me, “Nah, you’re right, but I want a mosh-pit and a fog machine at my funeral.”
~.~
In the family room, at the hospital, a large group of us sat, waiting. People from my church and some that had come all the way from his Burbank, California church, his parents, his pastor, a few friends and some of their parents, all waiting to hear the news from the doctors. Never had such a small room, filled with so many people, been so silent. I dabbed away tears, refusing to cry but try as I might, tears just kept slipping out. The doctors were testing to see if Ryan had blood flow to his brain or not; then they would know whether or not he could possibly be saved by an operation. Ryan had been driving from California to visit me and almost directly at the Nevada state-line, he made a quick turn and his car ran off the road into a guardrail (there are no guard rails along the highway, except in this spot of about ten feet). The guardrail had come up over the car, tearing the top off like a can-opener. The guardrail hit him in the head on the way through the car. The car then fell eight feet onto the lower highway. No other cars were involved, and the reason for his sudden turn is still unknown.
~.~
Ryan handed me a small red flower, “I thought it was beautiful, and I thought of you.” I had smiled at him in gratitude and put it in my hair. Granted, he'd been on my nerves there at the end, I never stopped loving him. Never in the way he had wanted me to love him, but I loved him in the only way I could at the time. And I thank God that I wasn't in love with him because my heart would have been utterly broken into unfixable pieces. “I would do anything to date you,” He looked intently at him under the shade of an apple tree, “I would drive every week to Las Vegas to see you.” I just shook my head, “Ryan, I don’t want to date anyone.” He set his jaw with a determined look in his eyes, “You know I would do anything for you, right? If I could I’d give you everything.”

His death caused a split in my world between real happiness and fake happiness. No one would know I was upset. No one would know that I thought about him and still do at least once a day, because I wouldn't and won’t let them. No one would know that this was the hardest thing that had ever happened in my life; that the death of my friend and confidante turned my world completely upside down; that for a long time afterward, God and I stopped talking. I watched my mom cry about it, and I watched everyone else cry about it, but I would not. Not in public, not in front of people. I had to stay strong, who was I to be crying when others needed comfort?
~.~
I'll never forget those words from the doctor, "I'm sorry..." I looked at Serena, Ryan's ever-true friend since childhood, who flew out to see him as she began sobbing. I watched her silently before I too began to cry. We were allowed to see him one last time, to say goodbye. I sat beside him, the heart machine still beeping, his chest still rising and falling. He didn’t look dead, just asleep. He did not have a broken bone in his entire body, only his head was injured. I took his large warm hand in mine once more and squeezed. All the while I'd been praying, hoping against hope that he would open his eyes, be suddenly healed and smiling at me again. I squeezed his hand, hoping it would bring him back if my will was only strong enough. I squeezed, praying that this wasn’t really my friend lying here and that there’d been a mistake, hoping that this hadn’t really happened and soon I’d wake up from this awful dream. Squeezed, wondering if I’d ever be happy and content again. "Ryan, I'm so sorry I never told you I loved you." And with that, I leaned over him, kissed him on the cheek, released his hand and didn't look back.

The King of the Jews

2004-11-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

An icon is something or someone who represents something bigger than what they at first glance appear to be. An icon would be a model of perfection, something or someone that holds conviction or values. Although, an icon can also be controversial to one or more groups of people, causing the icon to be both loved and hated by many people. In many cases an icon can personify something a mass quantity of people would want to be or strive to be. I believe that Jesus Christ is not only my personal icon but an icon of Godly perfection and sacrifice for many. In today’s society, there are millions of churches around the world that do their best to live the gospel and uphold the Messiah’s teachings. However back in the Roman days, when the Lord did walk upon the earth, He was not accepted by his own people, the Jewish people, particularly those of authority. I believe it is far easier to see why Jesus is an icon in our current world but I seek to explain why He was an icon in the time that He lived and walked upon the earth.

“One Sabbath (holy day) [Jesus] went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose right hand was shriveled. The Pharisees and the teachers of the law were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. But Jesus knew what they were thinking and said to the man with the shriveled hand, ‘Get up and stand in front of everyone.’ So he got up and stood there. Then Jesus said to them, ‘I ask you, which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to destroy it?’ He looked around at them all, and then said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ The man did so, and his hand was completely restored. But [the Pharisees and teachers of the law] were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus.” (Luke 6:6-11).

In the above passage, Jesus miraculously heals a man on the Sabbath and the leaders of the Jewish people seek to kill Him because of it. The Sabbath (most commonly considered a Sunday, or day of rest in our present world) was upheld to the highest degree. In the old law no Jewish person was allowed to carry anything, even a needle in their pocket, do any work or eat on the Sabbath day. This law would include healing because it was considered to be work to heal someone. Therefore, in the most controversial way, Jesus says that the laws of the people are not the laws of God and their definition of ‘keeping the Sabbath holy’ is faulty. He also claimed that He, as God, was Lord of the Sabbath in Luke 6:5, which was possibly one of the main reasons the Pharisees want him dead; because Jesus claimed Himself to be Lord. In the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John the Jewish leaders are angrily trying to find fault with Jesus so that they can put Him to death.

Throughout the Old Testament, many prophets spoke of the coming of God’s Messiah for the Jewish people and for all man kind. Many prophets foretold that this Messiah would come with power causing “all mankind to see God’s salvation” (Isaiah 50:5). Because of this passage and others similar to it, the Jewish people expected a military leader or great king to be their Messiah, not a simple carpenter. “The scripture had to be fulfilled which the Holy Spirit spoke long ago through the mouth of David [and other prophets]…” Luke tells us in Acts 1:16. According to the Old Testament, and the prophets, the coming Messiah was an icon of salvation and hope to the Jewish people. However, when He came, the Jewish leaders thought that Jesus was trying to destroy the laws they had set up, but Jesus clearly states in Matthew 5:17, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.” Therefore, Jesus understood that the scriptures needed to be fulfilled with His death and resurrection for the assurance of salvation for all people.

However, Jesus tells us, “No prophet is accepted in his hometown” (Luke 4:24). Thus when his own people, the Jewish people of Israel, hate Jesus for his miracles and teachings, it is not hard for us to accept that He became an icon of His time because He not only did extraordinary things but he also taught and spoke with extraordinary authority and went against the “norm.” Jesus’ miracles and teachings were different than anything the Jewish people had seen or heard before. The Bible also informs us that He had many followers and crowds of people came to see Him as Mark 6:33-34 explains; many people saw Jesus, recognized Him and ran to reach the towns ahead of Him so that He could speak and teach them. Later in that same chapter of Mark, people believed and again recognized Jesus and “ran throughout that whole region, bringing their sick to Him wherever they heard that He was.”

In the same way, the Pharisees and teachers of the law knew who Jesus was and, in vain, tried to find fault with His teachings and words. Though they asked Jesus many questions and tried to find fault with Him, the Lord always saw into their hearts, knowing their ways were evil; He always found a way to answer their deceiving questions that left all the people, including the Jewish leaders amazed. In the way that Jesus was hated, loved, and known by many in the Roman days it is easy to see that He was an icon of His time because there was hardly an ear who had not heard His name spoken. The elders, rabbis, and chief priests of the Jewish people feared Jesus’ teachings because they thought he would lead a revolt against them through the people. Not to mention that these important Jewish leaders were only important because of the laws they upheld and without these laws they would not have the authority over the people that they currently held. “Then the chief priests and the elders of the people assembled in the palace of the high priest…and they plotted to arrest Jesus in some sly way and kill him. ‘But not during the [Passover],’ they said, ‘or there may be a riot among the people.’” (Matthew 26:3-5).

C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity states that Jesus must have either been the Lord, a lunatic or the devil. “A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would have been a lunatic – on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg – or else He would have been the devil of Hell. You must make the choice. Either this man was the Son of God: or else a mad man or something worse.” Yet, in the time that Jesus walked the earth, He was considered Lord by those who loved him and a lunatic and upstart trying to overthrow the old laws and the ways of the Jewish people by those who hated Him. In Matthew 16: 15-16 “[Jesus] asked. ‘Who do you say I am?’ Simon Peter answered, ‘You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.’” Agreeing that Jesus was the Son of God and the Messiah, other than just a mere man would once again prove that Jesus was an icon because He was more than He appeared to be at first glance. Yet the people replied that surely Jesus must be, “John the Baptist, Elijah, Jeremiah or one of the prophets,” in Matthew 16:14. Clearly people knew of Jesus and His teachings and miracles and people would travel great distances to see Him and hear him preach. Therefore, the people clearly saw him as a figure of importance. Because Jesus taught on controversial issues of his time, not to mention that he healed on the Sabbath, He was indeed someone who held higher value on the things of life, thus proving that He was an icon in the days the Roman Empire was in control.

C.S. Lewis later adds in his book, “You can either shut [Jesus] up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at feet and call Him Lord and God. But let none of us come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.” As C.S. Lewis stated earlier, “You need to make the choice.” I believe that Jesus Christ was an icon of hope and salvation for all people, not just the Jewish people. In truth, Jesus remains an icon of perfection, sacrifice, salvation and hope to many people in the world.

-------------------------
* Please note that all scripture comes from the New International Version of the Holy Bible. All quotes from C.S. Lewis are from Mere Christianity (NewYork: MacMillan Company, 1960), p. 40-41.

2004-11-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

Flanny and I have footie pajamas... to see another picture, check out her website. YAY!!!

"I do."

2004-11-18T13:34:00.000-08:00

I realized something today... not that I didn't know it before, but it all suddenly came together today. I was sitting in Theatre class and at first I was looking at the pictures in the book from the chapter that I had not read, vaguely listening to my teacher talk about set design and scenery... but mostly, I was praying. Yep, its true... I pray in school. Anyway, I was praying and kind of looking around at all the people in my class wondering if they knew Jesus. And I was thinking about the plan He had for their lives, wondering if they even knew that God was working in their lives. After all, even if they didn't want His hand moving in their lives, He was still moving. (That's another thing I like about Jesus. He always knows whats best for us, even when we think we know it all.) Well, then God told me that all of those students were someone's future wife or husband. And my first response was, "Woah!" Of course then a moment later, I was like, "Yes, God, you are right... that makes sense..." Then God started telling me stuff about relationships in general... If you will, let's think about this together. If all of God's children (ie: the world) are our brothers and sisters, and only on the day we say "I do" are we anything more than brother and sister (and only with that one other person), then should we not be treating all of God's children (ie: the world) like brothers and sister. Now, from here I have a slight problem. You see, I don't have brothers or sisters, so I don't know how to treat someone as such. So, I went to someone who would know. Andrea! I asked my little Flan quite bluntly if she had ever made-out with one of her brothers. Her response was the most horrified look I'd ever seen. I took that as a "no." Then I asked her if she ever holds hands with her brothers. At this point I'm sure she thought I was a nut. But it was research that had to be done, for all of us who are the only-children in our families. Now, why on earth would we want to watch some woman dance around half-naked at a bachelor's party or a man strip at a club? (Please note that looking at porn does apply here too). Those people are our brothers and sister. I have to use my imaginiation here, but I think if I did have brother and sisters that I would not want to watch them dance naked, strip or pose for porn. These people are someone's child, someones sibling, someone's grandchild.. and someone's future spouse... possibly even someone's spouse right now. Let's put it this way. Would you want someone touching your wife? Would you want someone flirting with you husband? For those of you who know me, you would also know that I'm not married, but assuming that I was, I think I would be angry, jealous and hurt if someone was flirting with or touching my husband(its not really the best way to show your respect and support that couple). So, assuming that you agree with me, let me ask you this: Why do we do this sort of thing to other people? Those people we flirt with, lead on, ect. are someone's wife or husband. We live in a sick world, that doesn't care how other people are hurt but only how they can satisfy their own desires for a moment before moving on. As Christians we are called to uplift the body, not to tear it down. We are called to heal, not to make sick. We are called to help, not push aside. How can we understand how to love someone who is not perfect if we can't even begin to understand a LOVE that is perfect?

Emergency Exit Only

2004-11-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

You know those "Emergency Exit Only" signs? Sometimes I feel like there should be some of those for life. Sometimes, all I want to do is throw up my hands and declare myself done as I grab my bag and run for that "Emergency Exit Only" door. An alarm would probably sound and people would know I was running and they'd probably try to stop me. But it doesn't matter. I'll be somewhere else. Anywhere else. Because at times, anywhere else is better than where you currently are.

However, today is not one of those days. Today, regardless of trial(s), here I will remain. Too often in trials I have run away and given up... given up more than I can ever imagine. I've come to this conclusion: there are three kinds of trials we face.

1) God given trials (as in dealing with bondage and sins and such).
2) Trials brought on by other people and/or circumstances.
3) Trials you bring on yourself.

The outcome of these trails depends on your own personal response to them.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"If you falter in times of trouble and adversity, your strength is small!" - Proverbs 24:10

A Biblical Perspective

2004-11-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

The following paper was research done for my Anthropology class... Take that, Evolution!

The subculture of Reno, that I interviewed, is one that is not easily recognized. They do not dress in any particular attire or stand out as being “unusual” or “different” in any way. This subculture may very well be one you can only recognize by having a conversation with its members or by watching the way they interact with one another. Those interviewed were very helpful and did not mind being singled out as a minority. I interviewed eight members of this ever growing subculture, three males and five females. All were from different walks of life and they could not be easily picked out in a crowd as being of the same subculture. The informants I interviewed spoke mainly of their belief systems and not of ethnicity, background, or of anything else that might separate them from Reno’s majority. I set out to interview a subculture commonly known as Christians. I desired to know who they were, what they believed and what they practiced.

The Christians I interviewed ranged in age from eighteen to twenty-three. They cover the University of Nevada, Reno’s campus from freshman to second year seniors. Their majors vary from general studies, speech communication and therapy, math, biology and psychology to civil engineering. Many of them came to the University of Nevada, Reno from other parts of the country; as near as Reno itself, to Las Vegas, Florida, Colorado and California. Five of those interviewed have jobs as well as go to school full time and are involved in multiple clubs and organizations on campus. All informants in my study are involved either in Campus Crusade for Christ or InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. Five of those I interviewed grew up with a majority of their families being Christian. Informant B grew up in a non-Christian family, but says that all of his family has recently become Christians. Informant G grew up with only grandparents who were Christian, and informant F claims to be the only Christian in her family. The informants interviewed, expressed that though most of them had grown up in a Christian home, they did not become a Christian until middle school and early high school; although, informant C explained that he had accepted Jesus into his heart at seven years old. (See Chart 1: Age Informants Became Christians). From the ages my informants became Christians themselves, in comparison to how many members of their family were Christian as they grew up, it is apparent that family influence played a huge roll on the child and they accepted Christ at a much younger age than those who were not raised in a Christian home.

All of my informants attend local churches throughout Reno. When asked why they attend church, informant D stated, “I love the connection I have with other believers. It makes me feel at home.” Informant A said he enjoyed the fellowship that a church could offer. However, informant E expanded from fellowship and added, “I want to grow in my faith and knowledge of Jesus and to worship Him, and this is one way I am able to do so.” Though most of my informants grew up in churches outside of the ones they are now attending in Reno, they all seem to have similar occurring traditions. It seems that most churches have some form of musical worship whether through hymns or worship bands; churches also have prayer, sermons or messages, readings from the Bible, and fellowship. Likewise, all of my informants are involved in at least one Bible study, either on or off campus. When asked why they attend Bible studies, informant B smiled and said, “It keeps me accountable and I like to hear other people’s thoughts on Biblical issues… it helps me broaden my views.” Informant F added that she liked learning about Jesus’ teachings and applying them to her life. Six of the informants mentioned fellowship as a reason for attending Bible study. When asked about what drew them to fellowship, informant B replied, “The people are really cool, we usually have a lot in common.” The most general traditions of a Bible study is as follows (in no particular order): prayer, Bible reading, questions and discussions, encouragement, accountability, and discussing ways of practical application in a ‘secular’ world. Informant D happily added that there was usually food, as well.

When my informants were asked how they live their lives being a Christian at a ‘secular’ school, the main reply was that it took a lot of focus not to conform to the world around them. Informant B told me, “It is difficult at times, to watch the hopelessness of so many people.” Informant D explained to me how she tries to live like Jesus would, and be a light to a world of darkness, “I just hope others will see something different in me compared to the average person.” Informant E added that she thought being a Christian in a ‘secular’ school would be easier than being one in a private Christian college. “You have to be real about your faith and who you are, and you have to seek God on your own here,” she told me. However, all agreed that it took a lot of hard work to constantly live out being a Christian at a ‘secular’ school. “You really have to have a lot more faith and be able to support what you believe in, especially when you’re in classes that teach evolution and are ‘anti-Bible’ and ‘anti-Christian,’” informant H stated. They also informed me that most of the time they do not end up living out their Christian life as they had originally planned. “We’re not going to ever be perfect, that’s not the point,” informant G explained, “But it’s all about grace and second chances.” Those I interviewed also informed me that for the most part, a majority of their friends were Christians, anywhere between fifty percent and approximately ninety-five percent. (See Chart 2: Informants Approximate Percentage of Friends who are Christian). When I questioned my informants about how they share their faith with their non-Christian friends, informant C said, “I try not to push the topic. You can be a ‘living Bible’ when you are living by the Bible’s instructions. Actions always speak louder than words.” Most of the other informants added that they would invite their non-Christian friends to Christian events and will often try to start “meaningful conversations” about life and just try to reach their non-Christian friends at their friend’s level.

Next, I asked this subculture of campus Christians if they were currently involved in community service. Most of them shied away from the question with a statement about how they enjoy helping out with church projects, and informant A said that he was involved in “Big Brothers of America.” Informant E expressed her desire to get more into community service stating, “We are called to serve others and I should be involved in community service projects more often.” However, when I asked this question, seven of eight informants mentioned they had been on at least one mission project in their lives. These missions were widespread, from Reno itself, to the inner cities of California, Arizona, Washington, to Mexico and Argentina. Most mission trips for youth teach Vacation Bible School (VBS) to the country’s native children; work with inner-city youth and homeless people in the cities.

Following this question, I asked my informants if they worked while they attended school. All of my informants are full time students at the University of Nevada, Reno and five of the eight, work part time. When I asked them how many hours a week they spend doing work and homework, their responses ranged anywhere from 30 to 70 hours a week (doing homework, going to classes and working combined) Five of my informants said that they spent about 30 minutes a day praying and/or reading their Bible. The other three said they spend about and hour to an hour and a half per day in devotions. Informant B informed me that he had to plan his day to fit in time for his devotions and that there were lots of times he’d rather be doing something else. One informant said he likes to get up early and do devotions before he starts his day and another said that they would rather do theirs at night just before bed. Informant D said that she liked to pray while walking to and from classes or while driving. Informant G added that she always tried to make sure her devotions came before homework, “Sometimes things like social life and homework just have to take a back seat. Eventually everything will get done, but I’m not going to sacrifice my ‘quiet time’ for anything else.”

Finally I asked them what it meant to be a Christian and how it affected them in their daily lives. “Being a Christian has given my life purpose and hope,” Informant H replied, “I have gained a closer relationship with [God], guidance, love, eternal life and it has helped me to trust God and His plan for my life.” Informant F said that since she became a Christian she has been more patient with people and that she can understand and love them on a more meaningful level. “It’s like I can see people the way Christ sees them.” Informant E said, “Being a Christian means you believe that Jesus is Lord, that He died for the sins of the world and was resurrected so that anyone who believes in Him could have eternal life with Him. Following Jesus gives me hope, purpose and joy that I can’t explain.” Informant D proudly said that since she started following Christ, she feels a sense of forgiveness and hope, when there seemingly is none. Informant B said, “I have a personal relationship with the living God. He gives me hope and joy when times are bad and a greater joy – that I can not explain – when times are good.” “When I became a Christian,” informant A reflected, “I was into drugs and parties and girls. I had some bad addictions, and from the day I declared Jesus my Lord, my addictions disappeared. God healed me and freed me from things that were holding me to this world. I can’t explain it, but I just have this joy that seems to come from the deepest part of my soul. I know I’m forgiven and I know I have eternal life.”

In my research, I found that there are more Christians on the University of Nevada, Reno’s campus than I had imagined. They were very welcoming and supportive about this research project, and were also very open about who they are and what they believed. I believe that Christians are a step above the ordinary non-Christian student in their personal beliefs and ideals, as well as their overall outlook on life. Not only are they trying to keep up their grade point average, but many of them are working in jobs around the city, attending and helping out with their churches and trying to spend personal undisturbed devotion time with the Lord. Their world view is seen from a Biblical perspective, and they tend to be more focused on eternal reward and treasure, than on things of this earth which the majority of mainstream American culture holds dear. Christians are living for God and doing their best to serve Him before they serve themselves. They appear like everyone else, and it would be a challenge to pick one out as they walk across campus to their classes. But what makes them different, are their beliefs and ideals. They care about others and have an “unexplainable” joy deep within themselves. Christians may be living in the world, but they are not of the world.

Some Reflections

2004-11-13T14:59:00.000-08:00

I received the nicest compliment of my life last night in an elevator. I said hello to this guy standing in there with me and he looked at me in shock and then said, "You're one of those Bible girls, aren't you?" I blinked and said, "um... yea, I guess I am." and he said, "I can tell because you're so nice!" He got off the elevator on the fourth floor and I was utterly shocked. I'm "one of those 'Bible girls.'" I couldn't have asked for a better phrase to discribe me.

I was reading through a journal entry from one of my first weeks here in Reno and I'll post it!

Thursday, September 8, 2004

"At first I thought, how hard it must have been for Paul to speak to Jews and Gentiles about Christ and how hard for the Jews and Gentiles to accept and believe something so completely new and foriegn. And then I thought, surely there are more people from this time in history that are belivers than there were back in Paul's day, after all how much better off are we who have all of God's Word and were taught from birth about Jesus. But then I look around and I see I am surrounded by a world of sin. A world that still does not know Jesus. There were so many who walked with Jesus, ate with Him, saw His miracles and yet many did not believe in who He was. They saw Jesus face to face and yet they did not believe. Too many still don't believe and too many Christians continue to doubt. One will live forever and the other will die everyday forever. 'How long, oh men, will you turn My glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods and lies?' (Psalm 4:2)"

Five Chapters on Change

2004-11-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

Chapter One:
I walk down a street and fall into a hole. It is my fault and it takes a lot of work and a long time to get out.

Chapter Two:
I walk down the same street and fall into the same hole. It takes me a long time to get out, but this time it wasn't my fault.

Chapter Three:
I walk down the same street and fall into the same hole, its my fault but it doesn't take me so long to get out.

Chapter Four:
I walk down the same street, see the hole ahead of time and walk around it.

Chapter Five:
I walk down a different street.

2004-11-09T15:45:00.000-08:00

In the case of Flan and I, it took an "army" to rescue a sheepy. In the case of Jesus, it took was His life to rescue the entire world's sheepys. Perhaps I should explain.

Today I realized that my sheepy was lost and I turned to Flan and said, "Flanny, I can't find my sheepy." and she went looking for it, like any good friend would. She reached behind my bed, but her arm got stuck, "ack! My army is stuck." I started laughing, "Your army!?" and shortly after, up came my sheepy! YAY! (and the whole kingdom... that apparently Flanny owns, since she has an "army"... rejoiced!) And I thought.. wow, and it took an human "army" -- In this case, Andrea's -- to rescue one sheepy. But Jesus did it all by Himself! Except that He had every person in the world to rescue, not just one. So, see! Jesus rescued all the sheepys in the world! Yay Jesus!

Confused? Yea... I don't blame you...

P.S. I ~~fell~~ slid down about 8 stairs today. Feet flew out before me and just slid on down. My elbow will be bruised as will my ankle... but I live. Which just proves that Jesus does rescue His sheepys! Yay!

2004-11-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

Just for those of you that care - I know that you all do... and since its my Blog and I am allowed to brag occasionally... I just thought that everyone should know that I got an 80% on my Anthropology exam (the highest score was a 90%). I also got an 89% on my Archaeology midterm. And today in my Archaeology class, my professor said, "Who's Stephanie Garver?" and I raised my hand thinking, Oh no.. what have I done! and he read my four page outline for our research paper aloud to the class and then said, "Everyone's should have been just like this one." So, life has been good (test scores aside, life is still terrific!)

Just thought that everyone should know... since its my blog and I'm entitled... (winkwink)

Just jokes, guys!

2004-11-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine, who I always considered a strong Christian has lost his love for Christ Jesus. I am always sad when people who were once so on fire for God can forget who He is and get stuck in their sin. That really is the point... we have freedom from sin and bondage in Christ and its one of the saddest things to me to see Christians and churches stuck in sin. We have power over sin. It does NOT have power over us. Yea, it really is one of the most sad things to me. Please don't giev the devil a foot hold in your life. Avoid sin (I personally pray daily that sin would always revolt me even though it is constant in our lives and surrounding us, no matter how innocent the circumstances.) Pray for your firends that they would continue to seek and follow the Lord and that they would not become tied in bondage that they have power over.

I was reading through my journal from summer the other day and I came across this entry I wrote near the end of summer: Sunday, August 8, 2004

"You are the God of answering prayers! Holy, holy, holy are You and how the Lord has blessed me and prepared my heart for this. May this continue to be yours. Lord, make everything in my life, yours completely. Continue to put peace into my heart as I seek to follow Your will. I look back on all I've written and see how the Lord has heard my cry and come to my aid. He has prepared a table before me, with things I never thought to ask for. Speak peace continually to my heart. Your plans are great, your glory unmeasured and your love ever infinate! You bring joy to my heart and soul..."

2004-11-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

The Lord gave this to me on September 15, 2004:

I find it easy to see where Biblical people fall short or fail... or where they did something good and pleasing. We have their entire story and often even what God and other people think of them. Its easy to say to Biblical folk, "Why won't you wait? Why won't you trust God? Why do you fear and doubt after all God's done for you? If only you'd have waited a short while more God would have delivered you." Life is not so easy for us. God see's all of the past, presant and future, we see only a few fuzzy moments in time. Our Lord sees how things knit together (after all He's the one with the knitting needles doing all of the work) We can't see even the full ball of yarn. We see only a piece of our own little stitch, if even that! I find that I doubt easily. Doubt that deliverance is coming. Forget to ask, wait and trust on the Lord. I lose focus so easily. I forget that God will deliver me!

Its said that a goldfish has the memory of approximately 3 seconds. Well, so do I. How many times in the Old Testiment did God deliver His people and do miracles and in the very next chapter, or even verse His people have forgotten Him? How many times has God's hand moved to bless us and we forget to thank Him or don't notice the blessing at all... or if we've noticed lose hope the very next day/hour/minute? How often do we forget who GOD is? Do we even know at all? If we did, would we still forget? I look forward to the day when I won't have to forget at all!

We have to remember who Jesus is and not who we are and always keep in mind His power and mercy. Its a hard thing to do... but we can not have an intimate relationship with Him and dwell in Him in couples or groups. The Christian walk can be found only in fellowship alone with Jesus. No one is going to do my walk for me. No one is going to do your walk for you. But I'm starting to see that only in this relationship with Jesus can we experience peace in the midst of the storm that is life! Isaiah 26 says that the Lord will "give him perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon me, because He trusts me." God wants so much more for us than we can ever begin to imagine. And he's willing to give it to us if we are willing to give him our lives in exchange. So, every day, I keep asking myself, "Just how willing are you, Stephanie to give everything to Jesus so He can make you new?" and I always say, "I am so very willing... Jesus show me what to do first!" And because perfect unity with Him is - of course - in His will, He will show us each step at its proper time (according to His time, naturally).. because if He told us all the steps at once we would not be trusting Him to be who who says He is. That's faith.

So, I encourage you, dear reader, to wait and hold onto the Lord's perfect promises!

2004-11-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

In case any of you were wondering, as I fear some of of you were... I do not believe in or support evolution. I am in fact a Creationist. But more over, I am a Christian. Thus, I believe the Bible. Word for word (that's right, baby!) I believe that the Bible is God breathed. Thus, it is God's word. Thus wen it says, "God created the earth"(Genesis 1:1) I happen to fully believe and have confidence in it. Also, when the Word states, "My help comes from the maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:2) I interpret that as saying that God, our Lord, Jesus Christ, did indeed create the earth... and all the little animals and creatures that crawl upon the ground as well as humans, just as they are today. Please don't worry about my salvation. That is bewteen God and myself. Therefore, to sum this up, I would like to conclude that I do believe in Jesus and I believe that He is the same, yesterday, today and forever more... Therefore, He would have had to have created the earth and all things that live upon it. If you have any further questions or concerns about my personal beliefs please feel free to contact me or just open your Bible.

-This has been a public announcement from Stephanie's Blog service. Have a great day!

2004-11-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

Romans 13 (AMP)
1 LET EVERY person be loyally subject to the governing (civil) authorities. For there is no authority except from God [by His permission, His sanction], and those that exist do so by God's appointment.
2 Therefore he who resists and sets himself up against the authorities resists what God has appointed and arranged [in divine order]. And those who resist will bring down judgment upon themselves [receiving the penalty due them].
3 For civil authorities are not a terror to [people of] good conduct, but to [those of] bad behavior. Would you have no dread of him who is in authority? Then do what is right and you will receive his approval and commendation.
4 For he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, [you should dread him and] be afraid, for he does not bear and wear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant to execute His wrath (punishment, vengeance) on the wrongdoer.
5 Therefore one must be subject, not only to avoid God's wrath and escape punishment, but also as a matter of principle and for the sake of conscience.
6 For this same reason you pay taxes, for [the civil authorities] are official servants under God, devoting themselves to attending to this very service.
7 Render to all men their dues. [Pay] taxes to whom taxes are due, revenue to whom revenue is due, respect to whom respect is due, and honor to whom honor is due.
8 Keep out of debt and owe no man anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor [who practices loving others] has fulfilled the Law [relating to one's fellowmen, meeting all its requirements].
9 The commandments, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not kill, You shall not steal, You shall not covet (have an evil desire), and any other commandment, are summed up in the single command, You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself.
10 Love does no wrong to one's neighbor [it never hurts anybody]. Therefore love meets all the requirements and is the fulfilling of the Law.

2004-11-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

"Whatever you do work at it as though working for God and not for man." Colossians 3:23

You know, as I sit here attempting to study for my Archaeology midterm on Wednesday, this verse comes to mind. Then so does the thought, I just don't think God wants me to know about evolution. Too bad this is what the test covers. Then I asked Jesus about it, and He doesn't like the subject either. Thats a nice thing to know. God's always got my back on matter like this.

2004-10-31T22:08:00.000-08:00

I went to Las Vegas this weekend. It was good time... Mom and I hung out. Yes, it was a good time. My plane arrived back in Reno maybe 5 minutes late. I headed to baggage claim... had to wait for the bagge to start coming around... I waited. Then the baggage stopped coming... ("um... bag, where are you?" thought I.) So I walked over to an information desk where an old woman smiled at me. "Can I help you?" she asked. "Yea, my bag never came." She nodded slowly with an understanding smile as if I was telling her about boy issues. "Here, honey, have a piece of candy." ("Oh no! My bag has been sent to China!") Then she directed me to a baggage claim booth. From there I was told to wait about 30 minutes until the next flight arrived to see if my bag was just put on the wrong plane. ("Put on the wrong plane!?") So I waited... meanwhile, Andrea, who had circled the airport fifteen times pulled into a parkinglot to wait, pray and learn how to use a new GPS toy, given to her by her father. I stood when the next baggage came around...("I hate airports, they scare me... am I stuck here forever?") I went back to the baggage claim... "Oh, that luggage wasn't from Las Vegas, you have to wait some more." ("I'm never going to get my bag, I'll be stuck here forever... I have homework to do!") Then I waited until the next Las Vegas baggage came through...("Bag I'll never see you again!!") So I filed a report on my missing bag.. I was told if my Bag never showed up I would be given $2,500 compensation. ("Good bye, Bag! Hello, transfering colleges!") Of course as I was leaving the air port I suddenly recalled everything my Bag had inside. ("ACK! my homework! My crocheting! Macaroni and toilet paper! Ack!") About 4 hours later, I recieved a call from my airline. My Bag had been found! ("Good bye, college transfer...") So I left my room and headed for the library where I did a group study for a math test. At the library I recieved 4 calls from my Bag's lost driver. He wanted to deliver it to my room... ("Um... they will not let a strange man with a full bag into the dorms... on Halloween, none the less. Sorry.") He insisted on taking it to my room. ("No, it's okay! I'll go get it when I come back from the library. It's going to be okay, I promise!") He seemed troubled by leaving it with strangers. ("tough luck... sorry, kid. That's the best I can do for you right now. I need to study... stop calling me!") And thus, when I was done studying, I retrieved my Bag from the front desk and showed Flanny all my weekend treasures.

Daddy, the beef jerk is amazing! Thanks!

2004-10-26T23:51:00.000-07:00

The Following is my most recent English paper. The topic was "Identity."

Stephanie Garver
Denice Turner
English 101, 040
October 28, 2004

Salt of the Earth

It was near the end of summer and the staff was down in the little town of Oakhurst, as they were every Saturday afternoon to play Frisbee, eat Pizza, and drink coffee. It was on one of these Saturday afternoons that two young men showed up with a video camera. They were, at random, choosing people from our staff to interview on video for a lesson at their church the following day. I happened to be one of those “chosen.” The tall young man asking the questions began with this: “who are you? Not who people see you as or how you act around people, but who are you on the inside? Who do you say that you are?”

Throughout my middle school and part of my high school life, I was known to conform and “become” my friends. I began to pick up actions, ways of speaking and different words and phrases depending on the group of friends I was with. People have told me that I have my Mom’s boldness and class and my Dad’s humor and ears. I’ve heard it said that I am the “American Girl” or the “Girl Next Door.” When I am around my friend, Sarah, I pick up her “accent.” When I’m around boys, I act tough. When I’m around girls I’m “girly.” In short, I was a conformist. I changed according to the world and circumstances around me. One could still even go as far as to compare me to a student, a daughter, a friend because in each one of these situations I would respond differently. My perspective is formed by a lot of thoughts that no one else has access to, each thought a long history that no one but I know; a collection of what other people think of me that nowhere near approaches the way I think about myself.

For a time I found my identity in my outer appearance. I would get up early (about four a.m.) to take a shower, curl my hair and put on make-up. I cared about how I looked and I wanted everything to match. In short, I simply wanted to fit in. In High school I was a “choir kid.” I was voted, “Best Smile” and “Most Artistic.” But none of those things were really who I was. People saw, and can only see the shells of those around them. They noted that I loved to sing, they saw me smile often, and they saw me in all the musicals and at all of the art fairs therefore, assuming that I was “artistic” and that I always was smiling but all of these things mean little to me, because they are not lasting.

At a pivotal point in my middle school days I was made a “new creation in Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:17). It happened while I was at summer camp during seventh grade; God spoke to my heart. I had been sitting in the forest with a group of people about my age and someone began to pray. In truth, I would have rather not been there at all, as I recall wishing that I was been back home watching TV or playing around on the computer. Regardless of how I felt, God’s desire for me became much stronger and I began to fervently pray, asking Jesus to come into my life and make me whole. (At the time I had no idea how wonderfully my life would change after this night.) It’s hard to explain the intensity that occurs when God speaks to someone, but the first time was enough to cause me to both cry and laugh for over an hour. Since that time I have grown in my faith and in my relationship with the living God. I now realize that I am a “member of Christ’s body” (Ephesians 5:30) and that I am a “fellow citizen” with the rest of God’s family (Ephesians 2:19). I had never felt like I fit into the world that we live in and plenty of times growing up my mother would find me crying in my room because I did not feel like I was in the right place. She would always comfortingly say, “We are aliens and strangers to this world that we temporarily live in.” Later on I marveled at her quote of scripture from 1 Peter 2:11. The world will never completely satisfy, nothing in it ever will, only God fully satisfies and we will only be made complete when we are living in God’s presence. As I grew, this knowledge became ingrained in me and I knew that I had been bought by a price (Jesus’ blood); I was not my own and I belonged totally to God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Galatians 2:20 tells us that if we believe in Christ Jesus, that He lived, died for our sins and was raised from the dead, then we have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer ourselves who live, but Christ living in us and the life which we are now living is Christ’s life.

Ever since I first read Proverbs 31 I desired to be a woman of noble character, selfless, righteous and follower of Christ. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever known have been women who may not have been exceptionally beautiful by the world’s standards on the outside, but their faces and actions shone with God's grace and truth. They were women of noble character and I want to be like them. For the first time, this was not something I could fake my way through. Their shining light was something real and I longed to be exactly like them. Though I later realized that it is really Jesus that I long to live and seek after, because that’s what these women had done. Therefore the biggest compliment I think I have ever received has been from my friend David who not only told me that I had that same way of reflecting God’s grace and truth that I so admired, but also that I was, “most certainly a woman of noble character.” This compliment confirmed to me that in Christ was where I now placed my identity. I have always desired to be a proclaimer of the Gospel both in action and in speech and to be a real person in this fake world that we live in. “You are a blessing to everyone you meet whether you know it or not,” my friend David once told me.

In all truth, I try hard to place myself entirely out of circumstances around me and just let the Lord lead me and guide me. The Bible never tells us that a personal relationship with God is going to be easy, but it does say that our walk will lead to only good. It’s a long hard journey but it has proven itself to be good one-hundred times over. Trusting that God’s will is always done in my life is not an easy process, and I do not claim to have perfected it yet as I still have a long way to go, but as “Christ himself is in me” (Colossians 1:27) I know that all things work according to them who love God. Placing my identity fully in Christ has been one of the most rewarding and prosperous things I have ever done in my life.

“Who are you?” the young man doing the interview had asked me, “Not who people see you as but who are you on the inside? Who do you say that you are?” Hardly missing a beat, I took a deep breath, looked into the camera and answered, “I am a beloved child of God, with whom He is well pleased and I am made complete in Christ.” My interviewer and the camera man both smiled at me as I answered, and the interview was over.

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1 All quoted or cited scripture can be found in the New King James Version or New International Version of the Holy Bible